Today's thoughts and photos - flu season and make up bags

I got a fever today, not a high one, but high enough to keep me away from the gym and stuck in bed all day. I can barely breathe, my nose is so stuffed. I hate having these tiny little colds every month, I'm so tired of always being sick and not having the strength to get up and do something. I just want to live a normal unsick life. Although I suppose these days that sort of thing isn't normal at all, everybody's sick with something and nobody can get away from life.

I did go see my psychiatric nurse today, even with the cold. Had to go to the pharmacy and bank too, but that's unimportant. I got a BDI test to do, and it seems I am depressed. It's up to her to define how depressed and up to me to figure out why and how to get rid of it. I don't know why I'm depressed. Not really. I know why I'm sad, but sadness doesn't create suicidal thoughts. I think? I don't know. I wish I could see her tomorrow and ask these things from her, but I have to wait a week. I can of course always call her, but I think that would border on annoying.

This is my first month without school work. Without studying. Without essays or exams or lectures. This is my first month of my sabbatical and I don't really feel much better. I feel a bit empty to be honest, but  I know I couldn't handle studying now. I just couldn't handle having to stress over minute things when I'm struggling with life itself.

I pierced my ear yesterday, made a second hole in my left ear. Now I'm letting it heal. I'm stretching my right earlobe now, but first only a little. Hopefully soon I'll get to change the pin into a bigger one. I know it's a slow process, because we don't want any injuries.

Noticed I have way too much make up for one make up bag. I have like five make up bags all full of things, and that's not even all of my make up. And it's stuff I use every now and again, can't just throw them out. I need to get a bigger make up bag, but don't really know where to look or what to look for! Maybe I should go to one of those manly building stuff stores and buy me a huge box for nails and hammers and use that for make up. Might be even a bit cheaper than getting a big make up box...

Today's thoughts: 30 Shreds and Fire

We went to my dad's neurologist's appointment today. I won't tell you anything more about that now, not yet.
I should hear from my shrink's office for days now, but nobody tries to call me. I should get a nurse assigned to me, but nothing's happened yet.

It's been really cold now a couple of days, and today it got so cold that my dad was okay with us starting to heat the wood oven in our kitchen. It warms up the whole house really well, so maybe I turn off my radiator once  it's all warm and cozy in my room.

Haven't been feeling very well the last few days. Today I threw up in the morning, felt really really ill. And no, I can't be pregnant. But still, feeling sick like that is not normal for me, I wonder if all the visits to Porvoo hospital gave me some annoying bug that's now reeking havoc in my system.

I bought some bleach today, should dye my hair again, but that'll have to wait till the weekend when we go to sauna. Without the sauna warming the shower area, it's way too cold to strip and shower there... way way too cold. Like 14 degrees centigrade. In our kitchen it's now a nice 16 degrees. In my room more like 22...I really take heat better these days, I need warmer climates.

I haven't had a panic attack today, haven't felt any anxiousness either, just nausea. I feel worried though, but that's because of my dad's thing.

Got something wonderful in the mail as well today! I ordered Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred from CDON.com last week and have been anxiously waiting for it to come and today I got it. It's a real toughy for me, but I'll try my best to keep up! I'll tell you about my progress as the month goes by. Boy did that first 20 minutes shred me totally, but it felt really good finally doing something again, and twenty minutes aren't that much so I can easily do this every day now!

Also got something to collect from the post office, but that I'll do tomorrow.

Health Update - Lymphoma Free

I got some really good news now from my doctor. They didn't find any trace of lymphoma in me in the biopsies or the MRI, so I'm now definitely in remission rather than still scraping by!
Of course as I haven't had any symptoms since May it wasn't really far fetched to expect good news, but still, they make me really thrilled!

We still have no idea about my dad's results though as goes his neck, but hopefully inside a week that'll be sorted as well...

Photos XXVIII: Foxes are loveable! Oh and I'm home again!

It seems as though many people when seeing pictures of foxes in Finland go immediately to the barking mode. Have to call them sick, unhealthy, dangerous, have mange, shouldn't be allowed near people. Why on earth not? A fox is about the size of a big big house cat. What's so dangerous about it? Not to mention most of the pictures I have seen in the news of foxes have had beautiful thick coats of red and black, nothing to be seen of mange. The reason they come to humans is food.
If there was enough food for them in the wild, and enough shelter, they wouldn't have to come to humans, it's not like they're tamed. So get your asses up your couches and start looking at ways to help the foxes rather than want to shoot them from your windows!

I like foxes. All foxes.

Also, I just got home from hospital today, and am feeling very lucky to have such an amazing home, but I feel so so cold, since it is actually really cold in our house and I feel I need to wear outerwear indoors, it's horrible. I wish I had the coat of a polar fox, but I suppose they feel cold as well. I do have a fur coat, but it's a bit too fancy to wear just to watch the Simpsons....

Anyway, tomorrow we're planning on going down to Gigantti to look at phones for me, so that maybe I get that Lumia for Christmas or my birthday which is also coming up. It'll be about three hundred euros, but thankfully I really need a phone to phone people, so I'm allowed to have something so expensive. Also the bed, I'm getting the bed. It's supposed to arrive in a week or so, and I can't wait.
I've already done so much work in our bedrooms (because the switch is sort of still on-going, we haven't switched bedrooms completely yet, like all our stuff and that sort of thing). I feel really tired, and I'm going to feel even more so, but I haven't had a bad pain spike tonight, so I'm really hopeful that I won't get a panic attack. Maybe, and this is just me being hopeful, having diazepam in the house will also calm me down enough to not get one in the first place. Wishful thinking.
Oh and I've eaten waaaaay to much today as well, so no list. I hope to fix this problem for tomorrow.

But back to foxes:

Starting over and leaving this ward and this hospital

(Hopefully for quite some time too).

Even though I was in extreme pain, and am still on really heavy painkillers even now, I do feel a lot better. I'm having less pain issues, and fewer panic attacks. (Though at the point I started writing this I had just had a panic attack about fifteen minutes ago). Now never mind that, because I have, all things considering, had a rather good experience here. The dctors are wonderful, the nurses lovely and all the rest of the workers are fantastic as well. So I can't really complain. I can complain about my symptoms but not of my treatment.

I'm getting psychiatric help as well, which at this point in my life, feels absolutely necessary and I don't know how to thank everybody. I may have to come back at some point and bring some Christmas presents!

From now on, I won't be counting days, so you won't see me writing Day something on the post line, I will write smething else. Because I haveno point of writing at home while counting days.It's my home, I don't count days of being there, I just enjoy them.

Day XV: Getting out of hospital

Well, not quite yet, I still have to wait till Saturday, but still. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm nervous about it too, because of the random pain spikes I get every now and again, and  the fact that I tend to get a panic attack because of them, but all that might change once I'm home - safe. I feel so safe at home that it's the only place where I usually feel completely relaxed.
I'm not really an anxious person, or well, in certain cases yes, but usually I'm really laidback and all this hospital business has removed all that from me.

I'm really really happy to get home again.

But first I have a day of only eating clear liquids and tomorrow and enteroscopy. They look through my intire intestinal tract. All of my bowls. Yay, sounds like fun doesn't it? Nah, I'm not too concerned, it's under anesthesia so I don't feel a thing, but do need to be slightly sedated beforehand, because I might just get a panic attack when they try to find a vein for the IV...

Oh, and the mouse on my laptop broke, and I turned off the touch pad ages ago, cause I hated it, and I find it way too arduous to try and get it on without a mouse so now my dad is going to bring me a mouse to hospital in the evening, so I can continue writing my essays. I still haven't finished the second one... And I need five essays now. Jeez Louise.

Today I'll get guests again, more than my dad that is, he is here every evening if he just can - we're really close. I've always been a daddy's girl, and I'm really lucky to have a dad that really cares about me and supports me in my decisions through my life, even though I'm already technically an adult. Plus I think he'd be really bored if he didn't have a chatterbox like me around!

Day XIV: Food and Medicine

Food diary

Breakfast: 2 slices of thin ham 12 kcal
                ½ berry yoghurt 60 kcal
Lunch: ½ cup of lamb soup 100 kcal
           1 cup berry crumble with vanilla quark 300 kcal
Dinner: 1 cup of potato-cauliflower-turkey-gratine 350 kcal
Snacks: 2 pieces of chocolate 60 kcal
              1 small hot chocolate 200 kcal
Alltogether: 1082 kcal

Medicine diary

Regulars+
5 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex x1
x mg Neurontin x3
14 g Colonsoft x2
5 mg Zyprexa x1
2 mg Oxynorm x2
x mg Diapam x2 


Exercise

Short walk to the cafeteria
80 crunches
20 squats and 10 minute sitting against a wall, whatever it's called
10 lunges on each leg
30 pushups
And one hour long panic attack

Photos XIX: Make up to cheer me up!

Every once in a while between writing this blog and writing my essay, I do get a tad bored. And a tad sad. So what I do to cheer me up, is take a lot of selfies, put some make up one and again take a lot of selfies. So this is what I did: I have with me a part of my collection of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows (I love them, and on Friday I will place an order there to get more!) and decided to play around with them. The shades I used were Born in Fire, Kingslayer and  Ambassador.

I also used my old Wet n' Wild black eyeshadow to slightly darken my eyebrows. I have nearly black eyebrows, but I've been plucking the hell out of them, so they don't seem as dark anymore. Also used some as eyeliner under my bottom lashes. Ambassador is a dark purple shade, sort of more red than blue with these beautiful golden glitters, Kingslayer is a creamy white with white sparkles and Born in Fire is a violet shade with really bright pink glitters. They're my absolute favourites of all the shades I bought last time, and but we'll see if my new order on Friday gives me new favourites!

Ambassador and Kingslayer

Ambassador and Kingslayer

Ambassador and Kingslayer

Ambassador and Kingslayer

Born in Fire and Kingslayer

Born in Fire and Kingslayer

Born in Fire and Kingslayer

Born in Fire and Kingslayer

Day XIII: My academic day

Yes, today will be a very academic day for me. I will stop thinking about all other things apart from essays. I will only write my essays.
As if that's going to happen. But no, seriously, I do need to write. I need to write alltogether about 60 pages of essays before the end of the year, which to be honest, sounds horrible but isn't all that much. I'm at the moment writing a 20 page essay, haven't gotten past page 2 but I still know I'll manage twenty pages in no time. It's always the subject that's the problem. If the subject feels bad, something boring or difficult, you know immediately that you can't write that much about it. But if it feels interesting, it doesn't matter how hard, you'll still do it.

I suppose I have mentioned about my studies and about the fact that I'm 20 ECTS (study points) away from being a Bachelor of Arts, yes? I studiy humanities, or to be precise, English philology (yes yes I know it sounds like philosophy but it has nothing to do with that). I've been studying for 3½ years now, and I feel it's time to move on. I will finish after my BA and start something else.
I would really like to get into a polytechnic and study international business, but we'll see if I get through the exams. In any case, I don't want to go to Tampere anymore, I want to stay at home, in the south. I want to stay at home with my dad and our dogs. So for at least half a year I won't attend any school.
I will get my BA done before the end of the year, which means that spring semester I will ask Kela not to pay me any benefits, and will just be on a unpaid holiday for the time being.

All this illness and being in hospital and the stress of school alltogether have made me realise that I really need some time off, I just can't do it anymore, not like this. I need some time just for me. Just for my family and enjoy my life so that I get my mental health into order as well.
I will also get rid of my apartment in Tampere, so I'll have to go there with my dad to pack up things, and then I'll sell all the furniture and give the keys back to TOAS.
This is my plan, and personally, I feel it's a good plan, I've gotten approval for it from many people I know, people who are very close to me, so I think it will go just right.
But now, it's time for me to write those essays, otherwise I'll be stuck in blogger all day!

Day VII: Medical updates and news

So, the biopsy results from my enteroscopy in September finally came a day ago. They showed that I still had some abnormal cell growth, aka cancer, but that the samples were too small or degraded or something not to give an ambiguous result, so now I am going to have another CT scan (computer tomography for those who don't know, it's like an x-ray just better and uses iodinebased contrasting agent) and a new enteroscopy (it's a procedure where they go through your entire digestive tract with a tube, camera and a biopsy snapper). Thankfully the enteroscopy is done under anesthesia, so that's no problem.

I will have to get a new IV done though, because both procedures require one, but thankfully my doctor already promised that I'm allowed to be really sedated before they try to put the IV, since I tend to have panic attacks when they don't find a vein. And they never find a vein, I have such crappy veins it's not even possible hitting them the first time round. So yeah, sedation. Tranquillisers.

Also some paindoctorperson is going to think about the painkillers I'm using, since they don't like me getting injected all the time. The pills don't seem to work and there are no opiate patches with oxycodone, just phentanyl and I hate phentanyl, so...yeah, we'll see what they come up with.

And I'm going to see a shrink in about half an hour. Because I wanted to see one. Because of a reason I can't remember anymore.

Also this all probably means I won't be getting out of hospital for quite some time to come, but thankfully I've managed to clear things up with a couple of teachers....I'm just really nervous about the rest. Because I'd really like to FINALLY get my BA out so I can start concentrating on other things. Like doing smething worthwhile.

I also bought this t-shirt last night just for the fun of it:

Day VII: I wonder about videos and tea

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour, around sevenish, which make me rather glad, because at that point I wasn't deep in sleep anymore and did remember quite clearly that I was in hospital (I've been waking a few times now not remembering and directly getting a panic attack as a result).
I weighed myself and realised I had gained almost a kilo back, but that's nothing to worry about. It'll go down in a few days again, it's not like I've eaten more. Nothing's just come out yet (yes yes tmi).

I feel like today I should put some make up on. I feel like being pretty today. Actually I feel quite pretty right now anyways, I don't feel hideous in any way. Actually mostly when I'm sick I feel like I'm at my prettiest. Not because of the white skin, or the really dark circles under my eyes, but the fact that I look so relaxed. Then again, I am on high doses of painkillers and I tend to get tranquillisers as well when I panic, so no wonder I look relaxed. My skin also looks cleaner in hospitals. Maybe it's the fact that there's no street dust inside and good air conditioning. I mean, it's not like I ever do anything to my skin to make it look good.

Yes, I will put on make up today. I will also take pictures of it, and I thought about making a little video.
Just a short introductory one, telling who I am and what's been happening to me. Five minutes or so. Put it on here and on Youtube and we'll see what happens. No one will watch it of course, but I feel like talking to a camera right now.
You'll also get to hear my accent! Decide if it's still very Finnish or not ;)

But all that I'll do after my doctor's have visited me, since I think they'd laugh at me if they knew my plans. And since I got some bad news yesterday, I don't feel like looking happy in front of them. Or making them laugh. Even though I really do like them.

Here's some pictures of tea:

I REALLY want one of these!! It's a Tea-Rex!

So true

Day V: Bad news

I am not lymphomafree as I previously thought. My temperature is being kept down solely by paracetamol. My lymphnodes are still enlarged. I can't eat properly, everything hurts.
I may have more lymphoma. I scared and I get massive panic attacks.

I hate my life right now.

Day V: Food and Medicine

Nothing new to report here, I will now discontinue telling anything about my regular meds since it's so utterly boring to write about them. Other than that here goes:

Food diary
Breakfast: 1 dl porridge 120 kcal

Lunch: 0,5 dl mushed up meatballs 100 kcal
            2 dl berry quark 200 kcal
Dinner: 2 tblsp of mushed up salmon soup 50 kcal
             1 icecream stick 159 kcal
Snack: Five candies 70 kcal
Alltogether: 699 kcal


Medicine diary
10 mg Oxycontin x2

6 mg Oxanest IM x5
20 mg Diazepam x1
1 pill Zyprexa x1

Exercise
Small walk to the cafeteria and back with my dad

Day III: Midnight panic attack

This was the first night in a while when I actually slept thoroughly and saw a dream that didn't involve hospitals or being sick in any way.
Actually it was about a neighbour who came to show us a dead white rat (which looked more like a mix between a mouse and a moth) and told us that they'd a few years back found a small white kitten as well, and just knew it came from us since we had cats at that time.

Of course in the dream none of this seemed odd to me, not the fact that my neighbours weren't my neighbours, were talking of a kitten they'd got rid off and the fact that both our cats had been castrated males, so no kittens possible.
Anyway in the dream I was just plain saddened by the fact that we'd lost a cat we'd never even known about, but it all sort of felt okay and drank a cup of coffee with my neighbours.

Dreams, right? Never any logic.

Then I woke up, to pee I assume, but the second I woke up I remember I was in hospital and just started panicking. Crying and hyperventilating, and then all the pain in my jaw just hit me like a hammer, and all I could do was wait for the nurse to come and help me. I've never been able to stop a panic attack once they start without tranquillisers (thankfully today is Monday so I can talk about that breathing therapy the psychiatrist mentioned to me), so I just waited for painkillers for the jaw and knock outs for the panic.

And this is me now writing this completely relaxed and painfree after 6 mg Oxanest IM and a pill of Zyprexa. It's not really a tranquilliser at such, but it is against panic disorder and together with the strong opiates it worked rather well.
Why I'm still awake is a mystery, but oh well. Might as well be now, it's a hospital, I sleep when I want to.