Till my head is filled with them

During the following month I'll be seeing doctor's till my head is filled with them. I don't know really how I'm going to survive it all, since I have to write those essays as well and clean out my flat in Tampere at the same time. Half of the doctor's visits aren't even mine, they're my dad's, and I'm really nervous for him, because I'm so afraid they'll give him bad news and worse news. I hate this whole situation so much I can't even describe it.

Thankfully my trip to the hospital went better than I hoped, and now I have enough everything to last me till my shrink's visit. I have sleeping tablets, because I haven't been able to sleep very well in the last few weeks, probably a side effect of some other pill I'm taking - hard to tell which since I take so many and most I can't stop taking. Well actually all of them are pills I really shouldn't stop taking, otherwise it's either death or horrid pain.

I'm feeling less depressed at the moment, I've gotten to go shopping and driving and everything and it's been fantastically frightening but so enlightening. I even drove with Billie at the back, that was fun! She loves being in the car, didn't want to come out anymore!
We should really go on a longer trip with her and my dad. Take her out a bit more since she obviously enjoys it.

I've also been thinking about my relationship issues. I am in a relationship, I can't deny that, I'm not really single and though I really really believe one shouldn't date ones ex, I am doing exactly that. And I think it's right thing to do for me and it feels right and good and I really love him. With all my heart, I know I love him. It's a weird feeling, because we're so temperamental the both of us, that if there's a fight, there's a real  fight and both give up on the whole relationship thing, but he, he's been fighting for me for a year, he's shown me such commitment that I have no reason to doubt that he wants to be with me more than anything else.
It's also easy, since he's amazingly smart, has a good sense of humour, reads a lot, writes and his mum is awesome!

But now I should really get on with that essay writing, because  otherwise I've lost a whole day again to other things.

from Tumblr

Panic attacks and doctors

I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing  you.

Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.

I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.

My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.

Day VII: I wonder about videos and tea

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour, around sevenish, which make me rather glad, because at that point I wasn't deep in sleep anymore and did remember quite clearly that I was in hospital (I've been waking a few times now not remembering and directly getting a panic attack as a result).
I weighed myself and realised I had gained almost a kilo back, but that's nothing to worry about. It'll go down in a few days again, it's not like I've eaten more. Nothing's just come out yet (yes yes tmi).

I feel like today I should put some make up on. I feel like being pretty today. Actually I feel quite pretty right now anyways, I don't feel hideous in any way. Actually mostly when I'm sick I feel like I'm at my prettiest. Not because of the white skin, or the really dark circles under my eyes, but the fact that I look so relaxed. Then again, I am on high doses of painkillers and I tend to get tranquillisers as well when I panic, so no wonder I look relaxed. My skin also looks cleaner in hospitals. Maybe it's the fact that there's no street dust inside and good air conditioning. I mean, it's not like I ever do anything to my skin to make it look good.

Yes, I will put on make up today. I will also take pictures of it, and I thought about making a little video.
Just a short introductory one, telling who I am and what's been happening to me. Five minutes or so. Put it on here and on Youtube and we'll see what happens. No one will watch it of course, but I feel like talking to a camera right now.
You'll also get to hear my accent! Decide if it's still very Finnish or not ;)

But all that I'll do after my doctor's have visited me, since I think they'd laugh at me if they knew my plans. And since I got some bad news yesterday, I don't feel like looking happy in front of them. Or making them laugh. Even though I really do like them.

Here's some pictures of tea:

I REALLY want one of these!! It's a Tea-Rex!

So true