The Day After Pain

Yesterday evening was dreadful and I cried out of pain for hours on end, but today has been so much better. So so much better.
I had an examination that required quite a bit of preparation, but it went well and took longer than expected, which of course was annoying. My nurses for the day were absolutely lovely, I have no bad word against them - especially my evening nurse is such a bubbly happy personality that I immediately become happy as well.

Tomorrow some of my relatives are coming to visit me, which is amazing, since I see them way too seldom and I love them to pieces (escpecially their little boy whose the smartest kid I've ever met and sure I'm biased but it's still true). Today my godmother came and I missed her so much already and it hadn't even been that long since we last saw each other. I love my family.

Hopefully one day this week my school project team is going to come here and film my part of our video presentation (me acting all drugged up and sick and mumbling words referring to finances, I love being the comic relief).

Next week is going to be hectic. On Monday if all goes well, I'll have a little photoshoot here in the hospital with Mr. Miettinen, who has photographed me before many times and is eager to test these kinds of surroundings. And on Wednesday I'll have my ENMG which is to check if my nerve pathways are healthy or not and if my pain is nerve related or not. Also in the evening an old friend of mine from school might come and help me with some energy healing (she's taken courses and everything), and though I'm sceptic towards things like that, I've been in the hospital now for over a month and I need to keep my mind open and let people help me. At least they can't do any harm, so what would be the point in not trying, right?

Also, eating veggie meals in the hospital is the best thing ever, the meals are just so much better without that crappy meat! I'm loving this lacto-ovo-vegetarianism.

Inspiration for my new diet

When I get out of the hospital that is. And it won't be a diet in the sense that I'll stop it at some point, it will last as long as I am too poor to afford ethical meat. (In my mind ethical, doesn't need to conform to your views of ethics). Except for that one Christmas duck. That is a tradition I won't give up. Otherwise me and my dad will have no traditions at all. Just the Christmas datura plants, which is already sad enough, since they don't look their best during the holiday season.

Weight Loss - New Starting Point

Today I decided to measure myself completely, which was easy as I'm in a hospital and there's a scale and a measuring band in the room. Here's the data that I'll share with you:

I am at the moment 75,2 kg heavy. I wish to lose at least 15 kgs, but 20 kgs would be amazing.
Chest: 96 cm
Waist: 85 cm
Hips: 112 cm

I will be checking these measurements closely while I diet. As  I said, I will be dieting healthily, so that my body gets what it needs but still loses weight.

Oh and by the way, I have now decided to go lacto-ovo-vegitarian. I won't be eating any meat at all from now on till I don't know when. I want to eat ethically produced meat (cows and sheep that have had a happy life) but I just can't afford that now, so I will have to wait till then to start eating meat again.
With one exception: we always have a whole duck for Christmas dinner. So that's still going to happen.
I will be eating eggs and milk products the same as usual though, I  would prefer to get them ethically as well, but for now not eating meat will have to suffice. At least I'm doing something, right?

Today's thoughts on sushi, fangirling and diet

I had a wonderful day today.
Seriously.
I skipped my class to listen to a panel discussion about religion. Which ended up being one of the most boring panel discussions I have ever heard. It also brought a lot of thoughts to my mind about last night but yeah it was dull so we skipped the rest of the panel and went to eat SUSHI.
I.love.sushi.

It was fantastic. It also ruined my day's dieting which brings me to the next point of the day:
1. When I diet, I notice feeling slightly light-headed. Good since I used to eat way too much and now it's normal
2. When I get light-headed - I start fangirling. No seriously, I become a little teenager going "OMIGODHE'SSOHOT" while scrolling through Tumblr. It's kinda worrying since ordinarily I'm not like, I'm not a huuuuge fan of anything, and I feel a bit too old to be going this crazy about a person I'll probably never meet. Though good God do I want to meet them!

Wanna know who's on my list of 'letsgetcrazyexcitedaboutasinger'?
No?
Well I'll show you anyways.

I.am.ridiculous.

Alright and end this weird rant there's two songs:
One from fangirlinducingguy #1 Machine Gun Kelly (song's a cover version with Kellin Quinn: Swing Life Away)
And one from fangirlinducingguy #2 Oliver Sykes, singer of Bring Me the Horizon (song's Deathbeds)

Tomorrow I'll have some actual photos for you! Oh stuff and me! Oh yay finally I'm photographing something again jeez it's been so long.

Day One of Making Sh*t Happen

Alright.

Now.

I

have

had

enough.

For the past year I've been doing really really badly, I've been depressed and panicky and anxious and gaining massive amounts of weight, wanting to die and just plain giving up. Not anymore, just no, it's no use anyway. I won't kill myself. So I should really make this life something nice enough to enjoy so I won't feel bad all the time, right?

Finally, now I started school again, I've been going to the gym. Well not for the past week, I had guests and seriously no time, but I did walk a lot. Next week again, I promise. It's a lot of fun, I've always liked going to the gym. Let's face it, it's nice to feel sore muscles. The sweating not so much, but I like being sore.

On Friday I finally started eating healthy, I threw all the crap into a box and I'm not gonna touch it. It's mostly chocolates so they'll keep well anyway, I don't need to worry about stuff getting bad. So now I have plenty of really healthy stuff, and I've been keeping a book again because even though it's all obsessive, it's the only way I can keep myself from overeating. And I mean way overeating, like thousands of calories overeating. Not like 20. I don't care about 20. I care about the tub of ice cream I could eat. So, I keep track of everything I eat, so I know it's been nutrious and healthy, and still filling enough to keep me full without having loads of empty calories. And I feel really motivated, so I know this'll hold. Once I get to this feeling, I know it won't go away for quite some time.
I also bought a beautiful skirt from a friend, and it's like 6 sizes too small so yeah, weight loss needed! (Oh and I am way over weight. Not just a bit, but a serious amount that's really really not healthy).

Also, I've been doing really badly with school lately, it's just been way too much and I've had no energy whatsoever. To be honest, I'm not awake until I've slept 9 hours. Right now, I get to sleep about three to five hours every night. I honestly thank God when I can sleep till 7 am. Not kidding. One hour more and it's like heaven.
But hopefully with eating better and exercising, I might actually get some much needed energy, so I won't get sick all the time. And since I obviously suck in Russian, I really need to do my homework. Otherwise I will not get a good grade and I very much need a good grade from languages, 'cause I'm so scared of all these business classes which are all new information to me. Never had to think about market segmentation before.

Oh and just because I'm all motivated and happy and stuff, does not mean I don't fall into despair every now and again. *cough*everynight*cough*
But. I will Homer worry about that.

Today's thoughts on getting back on track with weight loss!

So in the past few months I've let myself go completely and have gained weight rather than lost it (and no, it's not muscle, I assure you). But last night I got a terrible urge to lift weights again, so I started again with my workout routine.
It changes every day and since I have no gym nearby, I do everything at home. You may laugh, since I only have 5 kg dumbbells and a 16 kg kettleball (which is really nothing if you really wanna train) but it's sufficed thus far. Not to mention my muscles are so weak now, I can barely lift the 16 kg one. So I only use it for deadlifting rather than anything else.

I'm back on Fitocracy too again and now I levelled up onto level 20! Which is super duper exciting! Sadly the whole page is a bit glitchy so I can't see anything of my feed or anyone else's, just track my own workouts. Thankfully at least that!
I've also gone online to check for more workouts and routines and exercises so that I have some variety in what I do. Also I seem to be in a relatively good condition regardless of my laziness because all the "beginner" exercise plans are just really lame. It's like 10 crunches and 10 this and that. Jesus, I do like 60 in one go. And yes, I do do them correctly, I just don't feel like I've done anything after just 10.

My only problem with all of this is that I really like lifting weights, but I absolutely hate cardio. I just can't stand cardio exercises, mostly because of the immediate outbreak of sweat that comes with it. I hate sweating and I sweat really really really easily. But hey, I suppose it's the price to pay for a good lean body.

I'm also thinking of making my whole diet different and actually looking up on nutrients and where to get them best. Usually my dad cooks and let's just say his diet isn't the best in the world, so making myself eat clean and fresh is a tad difficult with a baconloving father. He's thin though, great metabolism. But I have managed to switch from eating junk snacks into eating healthier snacks like carrots and bell peppers with some cream cheese, so I don't eat chocolate everytime I crave something to eat.
Because let's face it. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I don't really get hungry however long I stay without eating. So I need to regulate my meal times and it's not easy since I usually forget to eat and then I get cravings for random stuff. I'm kinda like a bulimic who doesn't throw up. And yes there is such a thing.

I'd love to find a good PDF file online that talks about nutrition but it seems I'll have to buy an actual book to find anything out. I hate reading stuff online, so I prefer having them as paper.

Now to talk about my problem areas. Okay, I'm fat, so all of my body is a problem area, but nevermind that now. I'm talking about muscles. My arms are so and so, my stomach muscles are surprisingly good, but my leg muscles are absolutely crap. I can barely do squats and god knows about my lunges. I have to hold onto something while doing them 'cause I shudder so much that I lose my balance! I also have huge amounts of scars and cellulite which would be lovely to get rid of. Thankfully I have none of that hard fat in my stomach so I'm basically a healthy fatty but I'm really wibblywobbly. All my fat is under the skin and it looks dreadful.

Last year I was down to about 60 kg. Now I'm almost back at 80. Which is horrible, absolutely horrible. I need to step up and really take control of my life. I should also go jogging which I hate, I prefer running on a treadmill but the nearest treadmill is five kilometres away.

The Charm of Fitocracy

I've been going happily on this site for a while now, and just can't get enough, and now I'll explain why.

At this minute I'm on level 16, and am 2583 points away from level 17. Like in a game, where you get exp to level up. So I go do a workout (there's a 3 workout max per day, but no limit to how big one workout is) - this time a workout like this:

• Bent Over Barbell Row
  • 10 kg x 20 reps 29
  • 10 kg x 20 reps 29
  • 10 kg x 20 reps 29
• Dumbbell 2-Arm Triceps Extension
  • 5 kg x 20 reps 12
  • 5 kg x 20 reps 12
  • 5 kg x 20 reps 12
• Barbell Bench Press
  • 10 kg x 30 reps 59
  • 10 kg x 30 reps 59
  • 10 kg x 30 reps 59
• Reverse Crunch
  • 30 reps 50
  • 30 reps 50
  • 30 reps 50
• Dumbbell Bicep Curl
  • 5 kg x 10 reps 32
  • 5 kg x 10 reps 32
  • 5 kg x 10 reps 32
• Body Weight Squat
  • 10 reps 8
  • 10 reps 8
  • 25 reps 21 
   

And voilá, I have only 2000 points to go to level 17 and I didn't even break a sweat yet!

I usually try to get about a thousand points  per day, so that I keep up with the routine, rather than just getting to an even number, but now I'm a bit pressed for time, so a whole workout was out of the question. But a short 583 point workout went perfectly well, and I do feel it in my muscles. My arms and legs are slightly shaky...

 

Today's thoughts, tomorrow's photoshoot and some workout

I bought a new weight today and a yoga matt, super happy now! The weight's 16 kg so it's perfect for deadlifting and such, wonderful. I feel my muscles growing by the second!
And the matt I really needed since I have nothing and doing ab exercises on hardwood floors hurts a LOT.

Tomorrow I have a photoshoot signed up, during the day and in natural daylight, so I'm really nervous what kind of make up I should put. I should really ask the photographer also if he's got some hopes for the make up.

I'm not writing much today, I'm feeling really tired and fully exercised so I feel exhausted in all possible ways. I'm starting over with my weight loss plan, so the side bar there ->
will look a bit different from now on, since I'm seriously restarting the whole process.
I'm also on a rather unnatural diet of eggs and ramen noodles, but don't worry, I eat my greens and fruits ;)

How are you guys? How are your lives going?

Vegan Foodporn

All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts and workouts

So today I decided to get back on track with my exercising and weight loss, though I haven't really lost the track as more levelled into a track I don't want to be in. However, it's never that simple, because let's face it - the amount of sedatives I'm taking could keep a T-Rex asleep for three days, so how on earth am I going to have the sheer energy to even lift myself off the bed, let alone some weights to add?

I constantly feel tired, I feel like all I could do this moment is just sleep sleep sleep, and that's really all I want to be doing when it's this cold and dreary. I hope very much that it doesn't stay like this for very long, otherwise I'm seriously going to lose it. And I've basically already lost it, kinda why I'm in this mess in the first place.

It's also not the simplest way to try and motivate your weight loss when half the time you keep staring at a bottle of 40 proof and wishing you could just down it in one. Now there's some unnecessary carbs for you, way to go. The cheapo Estonian beer in my room aren't helping either, though it's not really their fault I want to drink them. I can really relate to Bugs's emotions here.

Butttt, here's my goal:

Today's thoughts: 30 Shreds and Fire

We went to my dad's neurologist's appointment today. I won't tell you anything more about that now, not yet.
I should hear from my shrink's office for days now, but nobody tries to call me. I should get a nurse assigned to me, but nothing's happened yet.

It's been really cold now a couple of days, and today it got so cold that my dad was okay with us starting to heat the wood oven in our kitchen. It warms up the whole house really well, so maybe I turn off my radiator once  it's all warm and cozy in my room.

Haven't been feeling very well the last few days. Today I threw up in the morning, felt really really ill. And no, I can't be pregnant. But still, feeling sick like that is not normal for me, I wonder if all the visits to Porvoo hospital gave me some annoying bug that's now reeking havoc in my system.

I bought some bleach today, should dye my hair again, but that'll have to wait till the weekend when we go to sauna. Without the sauna warming the shower area, it's way too cold to strip and shower there... way way too cold. Like 14 degrees centigrade. In our kitchen it's now a nice 16 degrees. In my room more like 22...I really take heat better these days, I need warmer climates.

I haven't had a panic attack today, haven't felt any anxiousness either, just nausea. I feel worried though, but that's because of my dad's thing.

Got something wonderful in the mail as well today! I ordered Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred from CDON.com last week and have been anxiously waiting for it to come and today I got it. It's a real toughy for me, but I'll try my best to keep up! I'll tell you about my progress as the month goes by. Boy did that first 20 minutes shred me totally, but it felt really good finally doing something again, and twenty minutes aren't that much so I can easily do this every day now!

Also got something to collect from the post office, but that I'll do tomorrow.