Today's thoughts on panic attacks and working

So I had to quit work now because I've been starting to get panic attacks again at completely random times with no noticeable trigger (at least none that I can notice) and thus can't call random people selling them stuff and suddenly start hyperventilating and crying. No, that won't do it.

Also I seem to be addicted to benzos, which isn't a big surprise seeing as I have a huge tolerance for them and need a lot to stop my panic attacks. I need a lot less if  I can take a tablet profylactic but that's again not the best of ideas just constantly taking them since I do feel anxious all the time again, like seriously right now too. I can write and I can think, but I shiver and speaking isn't very easy and my breathing is always a bit whacky. I go from really slow to really fast and then I get scared that I have another panic attack, which might be a cause for a panic attack later.

I hate hospitals too btw. Like you didn't know that already, I hate them with all my heart. First you have to wait 7 hours in the emergence to know anything and at that point I've already gotten at least three panic attacks (that's my number one trigger: hospitals), and if I'm alone with the car they won't treat me because you're not allowed to drive while under benzos. I am laughing my fucking ass off, I drive with benzos all the time, it's the only way I can live my life without being stuck at home: panic disorder + need for tranquilisers = never use a car, just doesn't do it in the country side. You can't not drive a car, it's a must here, otherwise you won't people to go even just grocery shopping. So two fingers up to the *uckers at Meilahti. Besides driving while having a panic attack is a hell of a lot worse than driving while on benzos, I was freaking out the entire drive home.

Not to mention that bitch of a nurse in Porvoo hospital who gave me a bill to pay while I was panicking before they even thought of giving me diazepam. I mean seriously greedy bloody bastards and this is the public sector.
Slowly I'm wishing I had money to go private. But for me it's a matter of principle, if there's public health care - you use it. But that's my socialist attitudes running through my veins...

So today in about an hour I'll be picking up my dad at the airport, so finally won't be alone again. I have to say, I prefer sleeping in a house with someone else in it as well. Although Billie helps a lot, she even slept with me on the bed a few times that cutie. And I did have a sleepover guest twice during the weekend cause I had such a crappy weekend otherwise. It was lovely and he's really sweet.

Piercing update: septum now at 2 mm and going to probably go to 3 or 4 mm.
Health update: addicted to benzos
Private update: still single and still fat

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 2 - What I wore today

So a basic outfit of the day post then, with my brocade trousers from New Yorker, Falling in Reverse t-shirt from Osiris Clothing and lace cardigan from KappAhl.
I look dreadful, just woke up and took these. Ridiculously tired and fat. 

I've got an hourglass figure too, it just cointains a few extra minutes

Though trying to lose my extra pounds and having thinspiration pictures on my blog, I have nothing against a healthy curvy girl with some extra pounds. I don't think a person's worth can be measured by their size or interest in jogging. I know some really skinny girls who can't run half as long as I can, and that's minimal, so really - a person's worth is not in the body, it's in the personality of that person where you can find that quality that makes a human being.
So here's some curvespo:

Some inspiration in a fitspiration place

Though  I write about dieting, and getting thinner, and losing weight, and being fit, and I post fitspo and thinspo things, it doesn't mean I hate fat people.
I don't mind fat people. I even know people can be fat without their own fault. And I know a person can be fit and have a lot of muscles and strength and still be fat AND healthy.

Fat is not the worst a person can be.

My own weightloss #1 (only adults)

I'm going to start a small series now with pictures of me on my journey to a good, healthy, comfortable and hopefully pretty body.
If someone recognizes me from these pictures, fine, I don't really care. I am just too lazy to remove my tattoos from the photos. They are all censored otherwise so no porno-y bits visible. This is only to inspire weightloss, and notice the difference.

I've also tried recording the amount of cellulite and stretch marks I have (they tend to intertwine as well, so differentiating one from the other is not easy) so you'll be able to see what havoc strong amounts of cortisone can do in a short perioud of time. Please understand that though I these days eat way too much and am overweight because of bad habits, all of the horrible scarring and most of the cellulite is a result of extreme doses of cortisone (methylprednisolon) when I was just 12 years old. I was not fat then, I was just eating my meds that kept me alive. So this sort of change is not always due to "greed".

Here are the shockers (and trust me, they are shocking):

Top: From the front with no underarm flab, bottom: with flab

From behind all muscles relaxed

Stretch marks on the side of my hips all the way to my waist.

More side stretch marks, and some marks from my hospital trousers

Stretch marks on my upper arms, they go all the way from my armpit to my elbow bend

Stretch marks all through my legs, they go from my *krhm* ladyparts all the way down to my ankles

Cellulite showing while butt muscles are not held relaxed

Butt muscles relaxed, you can also see my side hip stretch marks on both sides

Day II: Firminators and stretch marks

When I was in England a week back (spent a nice eight days there and loved every second of it!), I went to Boots to check out what I always missed.
Annnnnd I ended up coming out of there with two creams. One against stretch marks (which I have so so many) and one that's supposed to firm your skin and get rid of some of that cellulite.

As I have only used these for the last three days, I can't give any absolute reviews on their ability to keep their promises.
However, I still love both creams. The Firminator is a very weird looking green lotion, smells rather nice and applies extremely well. I'm really picky when it comes to lotions since most feel very uncomfortable on the skin and sticky and yuck, but this is just fine. For some it might even be excellent! And I like the colour green, and especially this one, since it reminds me of the hand soap my grandpa used to have. All sort of retroish.

Soap&Glory Firminator!

The stretch mark cream I like even more, it's thicker, so it is a bit sticky on the skin, but it smells wonderful (very cocoay) and it really feels like velvet, so even if it doesn't get rid of my extreme stretches, it does make them feel so much nicer!

 

 Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula Massage Cream for Stretch Marks

Let's wait and see it they actually hold their promises as well!