Today's Thoughts on being rude and packing

I can be a bit of a volatile person, I'm really temperamental and I tend to react to negativity in an aggressive manner. I didn't used to be this way, but years of being bullied and having to make medical professionals believe me has made me a very guarded person.

 

I don't just let things slide, I react to them. And if I have made some of you undervalued or that I've been mean to you, I'm really sorry. I don't want to hurt people but I know how to do it. And this isn't just for my readers, it's to all that have felt me be negative towards them for no reason. I have seen a reason and thus reacted accordingly, but as someone pointed out to me today is that I don't know a commenter's agenda so being rude back gives nothing. Just a bad taste in the mouth as we say here.

 

Other than that I've been packing today, got all my clothes for my trip ready and only need to make sure I have my meds and all my papers and tickets with me when I leave on Saturday.

I'll be stuck at JFK for about four hours so I'll see some US as well! I really like airports. Hate flying but not airports or airplanes. Weird huh?

 

Also I don't need to go to my entrance exams this week because I got accepted to Haaga-Helia to study Multilingual Management Assistant studies. I'm super happy even if it was my third choice!

Today's Thoughts on drinking and working out

Last night was the night when all the new high school graduates went drinking and some of us older students went drinking as well in the village, since we have this small group of older students and the idea was the get more alumnis to join us, but that sort of failed so we just drank the night and had a lot of fun catching up.

Also I drank way too much again. I mean, not as bad as sometimes, I still remember everything and got home safely, but as I was on my bike, it wasn't too easy getting home. I fell like three or four times (not badly, just sort of keeled over) and twisted my ankle in the process. Now I can't do any calf raises for a while. Drinking+biking=BAD IDEA.

Otherwise I'm doing so and so, I feel a tad depressed, mostly because of random and anonymous bitchy comments, completely out of the question that I don't take them personally. I take everything personally, it's a fault that I'm trying my best to work on. Maybe it's something to do with my depression but I just don't know.

I've also been working out a lot more lately, I only have less than a week to my trip to Canada so I'd like to have a few muscles  before I get there. I know I'm not going to be a fit hottie there, but at least I'll have some power if someone tries to rob me or something.
My diet has been an absolute and total failure. I've just gained weight. I'm almost at my heaviest again and I hate it so much. But I've tried to step up again and eat healthy and exercise (mostly lifting weights, because I hate cardio), so I'm slowly on my way to becoming a better version of me again.
I also constantly crave something sweet, but thankfully we don't have anything and I'm way too lazy to start baking something so problem sort of solved.

We've also been trying to cut down on meat consumption with my dad, and eating a lot of vegetarian and vegan dishes. Not because we want to stop eating meat, we both love meat, but because the meat here in the stores is horrible - watery  and rubbery and tastes disgusting. And buying better meat costs so much that it's easier to just cut back.

My smoking has also gotten worse, I'm like a chimney now. I wish I didn't smoke that much, but I don't really know what to do if I don't smoke. I kind of smoke out of boredom, it gives me a minute or two to just enjoy a nice breeze and to stop me from eating out of boredom. Because that's what I do, I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat 'cause I don't feel like I have anything else to do. It's a really bad habit.

I'm also sorry about all the thinspo and fitspo photos I post now, I know they can be triggering to many of you, but they help me keep motivated with my own weight loss, since if other people can look fit and good like that then why not me too? I will look good at some point, I promise. I have to.

Also a small post scriptum: If you have nothing nice to say, don't bother saying anything, I hate jealousy so much and I cannot understand why some people put so much energy into bitching about people that have done nothing wrong. This is the internet guys, everybody edits photos and lies about something, get over it!

“Envy is when you want what someone else has. Jealousy’s when you also don’t want them to have it.”

—	Kirsten Hubbard, Wanderlove

Today's thoughts on getting back on track with weight loss!

So in the past few months I've let myself go completely and have gained weight rather than lost it (and no, it's not muscle, I assure you). But last night I got a terrible urge to lift weights again, so I started again with my workout routine.
It changes every day and since I have no gym nearby, I do everything at home. You may laugh, since I only have 5 kg dumbbells and a 16 kg kettleball (which is really nothing if you really wanna train) but it's sufficed thus far. Not to mention my muscles are so weak now, I can barely lift the 16 kg one. So I only use it for deadlifting rather than anything else.

I'm back on Fitocracy too again and now I levelled up onto level 20! Which is super duper exciting! Sadly the whole page is a bit glitchy so I can't see anything of my feed or anyone else's, just track my own workouts. Thankfully at least that!
I've also gone online to check for more workouts and routines and exercises so that I have some variety in what I do. Also I seem to be in a relatively good condition regardless of my laziness because all the "beginner" exercise plans are just really lame. It's like 10 crunches and 10 this and that. Jesus, I do like 60 in one go. And yes, I do do them correctly, I just don't feel like I've done anything after just 10.

My only problem with all of this is that I really like lifting weights, but I absolutely hate cardio. I just can't stand cardio exercises, mostly because of the immediate outbreak of sweat that comes with it. I hate sweating and I sweat really really really easily. But hey, I suppose it's the price to pay for a good lean body.

I'm also thinking of making my whole diet different and actually looking up on nutrients and where to get them best. Usually my dad cooks and let's just say his diet isn't the best in the world, so making myself eat clean and fresh is a tad difficult with a baconloving father. He's thin though, great metabolism. But I have managed to switch from eating junk snacks into eating healthier snacks like carrots and bell peppers with some cream cheese, so I don't eat chocolate everytime I crave something to eat.
Because let's face it. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I don't really get hungry however long I stay without eating. So I need to regulate my meal times and it's not easy since I usually forget to eat and then I get cravings for random stuff. I'm kinda like a bulimic who doesn't throw up. And yes there is such a thing.

I'd love to find a good PDF file online that talks about nutrition but it seems I'll have to buy an actual book to find anything out. I hate reading stuff online, so I prefer having them as paper.

Now to talk about my problem areas. Okay, I'm fat, so all of my body is a problem area, but nevermind that now. I'm talking about muscles. My arms are so and so, my stomach muscles are surprisingly good, but my leg muscles are absolutely crap. I can barely do squats and god knows about my lunges. I have to hold onto something while doing them 'cause I shudder so much that I lose my balance! I also have huge amounts of scars and cellulite which would be lovely to get rid of. Thankfully I have none of that hard fat in my stomach so I'm basically a healthy fatty but I'm really wibblywobbly. All my fat is under the skin and it looks dreadful.

Last year I was down to about 60 kg. Now I'm almost back at 80. Which is horrible, absolutely horrible. I need to step up and really take control of my life. I should also go jogging which I hate, I prefer running on a treadmill but the nearest treadmill is five kilometres away.

Today's thoughts on Summer and clothing

Hello there again, it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't really had anything to say, no that's not true, I just haven't felt like being online.

I have had a lot of things to think about. Firstly, I am going to Canada, though it seemed like I might not be able to. So I'm really excited and a bit nervous about the whole thing, but in a good way. I've also been checking what sort of things I could go and see as I'm spending more than two weeks in Toronto. My first stop will definitely be Canada's biggest zoo. I love zoos with all my heart and am probably going to spend two days there! There's also a huge amusement park which I really want to go to and a bookstore named "The World's Biggest Bookstore". Not to mention all the shopping and Chinatown and everything. I just can't wait.

Secondly, I've been feeling a tad better, I don't have as many panic attacks but I still got some diazepam for my trip so in case I get an attack I don't need to go to the hospital since it's outside of EU and thus more expensive for me. That's sort of making me a bit nervous 'cause just knowing I might not be able to pay for the care is giving me a bit of anxiety.

Thirdly, I've been thinking of trying to get going my own clothing line. I draw a lot, I love drawing, and I have some ideas, but I'm not sure if my talents are good enough for doing something like that. It'll be a small thing, I think I'm going to start with just t-shirts and jumpers and maybe bags. I just need to start drawing some sketches and see where I'll be able to publish them.
Do any of my readers have ideas concerning this? I mean, do you know any good sites for ordering or also printing t-shirts? Maybe even so that they do the work and I just gather up the drawings and give to them?

And fourthly, how do I get this crummy blue hair dye off my hair? I've already bleached it and it's still sticking to my hair like glue it's really weird.

Oh and my anti-anxiety pills are giving me some trouble. You know how some pills can give you mood swings and dryness of mouth and maybe some constipation. Well guess what, I'd love to have those instead of my problems. I can deal with the decrease of libido, jesus I was a complete slut before I started my pills so a bit of calming down is just good for me, but lactating. Lactating. I am not kidding. I am not pregnant and I am jesusfuckingchrist lactating.
Now it's waiting for my test results of my prolactin levels to see where the problem lies and how big the problem is. Has any of you who use pills for anxiety and depression ever had this problem?

Also it's a crappy day today, but oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Today's thoughts on panic attacks and working

So I had to quit work now because I've been starting to get panic attacks again at completely random times with no noticeable trigger (at least none that I can notice) and thus can't call random people selling them stuff and suddenly start hyperventilating and crying. No, that won't do it.

Also I seem to be addicted to benzos, which isn't a big surprise seeing as I have a huge tolerance for them and need a lot to stop my panic attacks. I need a lot less if  I can take a tablet profylactic but that's again not the best of ideas just constantly taking them since I do feel anxious all the time again, like seriously right now too. I can write and I can think, but I shiver and speaking isn't very easy and my breathing is always a bit whacky. I go from really slow to really fast and then I get scared that I have another panic attack, which might be a cause for a panic attack later.

I hate hospitals too btw. Like you didn't know that already, I hate them with all my heart. First you have to wait 7 hours in the emergence to know anything and at that point I've already gotten at least three panic attacks (that's my number one trigger: hospitals), and if I'm alone with the car they won't treat me because you're not allowed to drive while under benzos. I am laughing my fucking ass off, I drive with benzos all the time, it's the only way I can live my life without being stuck at home: panic disorder + need for tranquilisers = never use a car, just doesn't do it in the country side. You can't not drive a car, it's a must here, otherwise you won't people to go even just grocery shopping. So two fingers up to the *uckers at Meilahti. Besides driving while having a panic attack is a hell of a lot worse than driving while on benzos, I was freaking out the entire drive home.

Not to mention that bitch of a nurse in Porvoo hospital who gave me a bill to pay while I was panicking before they even thought of giving me diazepam. I mean seriously greedy bloody bastards and this is the public sector.
Slowly I'm wishing I had money to go private. But for me it's a matter of principle, if there's public health care - you use it. But that's my socialist attitudes running through my veins...

So today in about an hour I'll be picking up my dad at the airport, so finally won't be alone again. I have to say, I prefer sleeping in a house with someone else in it as well. Although Billie helps a lot, she even slept with me on the bed a few times that cutie. And I did have a sleepover guest twice during the weekend cause I had such a crappy weekend otherwise. It was lovely and he's really sweet.

Piercing update: septum now at 2 mm and going to probably go to 3 or 4 mm.
Health update: addicted to benzos
Private update: still single and still fat

Today's Thoughts on early mornings and photoshoots

I just had my entrance exam yesterday and I'm pretty happy about how it went down, at least the one on one interview went really well in my opinion, but we'll see in July if it went well enough!
Today it's been a long day already since Billie decided to wake up at five so I couldn't just sleep, so I woke up and here I am.
I've been trying to catch up on blogging and I did another short Youtube video (the TMI tag) and hopefully my Easter is going to be lovely!
I'm home alone now since dad's spending his Easter in Switzerland, and I'm kinda enjoying this peace and quiet. I have all kinds of things lined up - I have a photoshoot coming up with JBM and I'm going to be doing some photography myself (thought why not, if I can stand in front of a camera, I can probably learn to stand behind it too!)

Photos taken by Jukka Jalkanen