Just one more week!

I am starting to get really really nervous now.
In exactly one week my uni starts. In six days I have my Swedish exam. I am terrified.

Also I'll need to find myself a new calendar since  I doubt the new uni gives one for free. I hate this, I loved my old uni calendar! Anyway, I am excited though in a way, finally I'll have something else to do than just lie around doing nothing, but other than that, I am pissed. Why?
Because my busroutes have changed completely.

A. My busses do not go where they used to go.
B. All early morning and evening routes have been cancelled, meaning that I will have to go a 15 km detour above my 40 km normal route to actually get where I want to.
C. I will have to use three different connections each morning to get to uni because I can't take a bus from my house to Helsinki. There is not even a bus from my house to the place where the busses to Kerava go. So - I will have to get my dad to drive my to a Kerava bus, then go to  Kerava (15 km), then take the train into the city. Before this enormous change I had ONE bus from MY HOUSE to HELSINKI. Direct route. Which was FULL every effing morning! So they don't even have the right to go saying "well not enough people used that route" cause it's BS.

So I'm annoyed.

Here's cute food.

Back from a long holiday

So this has taken me forever.
Sorry about that.
Well not really, I am sorry for being MIA but I'm not really sorry for having enjoyed my summer. So in June I was in Canada for two weeks, mostly in Toronto (just a day or so in Montreal, out of a whim really), and I had the most amazing time. Safe to say it was the best holiday I've ever had. However, more about that later on when I finally get my photos posted here too.

The summer's been unbelievably warm. Hot actually, and I think I've melted a few times, it's dreadful. I'm  really not one for warm weather, I can't do anything other than drink bottle after bottle of mineral water and it's driving my dad insane. I think I drink like seven litres a day (and to anyone who thinks it is dangerously too much - I'm still alive so booyah get over it, at least I can drink).
I can't sleep whatsoever, so basically this summer has just made my insomnia much much worse, and I can't really ask for help because my shrink is on holiday. So I have my old pills for it, but seeing as they never helped, well, tough luck I suppose.

Speaking of shrinks.  Since I went on holiday in June, I haven't taken a single anti-depressant, anti-anxiety or anti-anythingpill and I feel fabulous.
I think it's safe to say I'm no longer depressed. I am a tad worried about the start of my new school year, because if I start stressing out again, I might need to start taking pills too, but let's just wait and see, shall we?

And yes, I was accepted to Haaga-Helia to become a multilingual management assistant. So from the end of this month on, I will be studying business and languages. Hopefully by the end of the next four years (that's about as long as the studies will take), I'll be able to speak over ten languages. That's my goal anyway. I'd like to get to twenty before I die.
On the 19th I will have a Swedish test to maybe get exempt from the course, because if I have to take another Swedish course with people who can't even say their own names in Swedish I will kill someone. I use Swedish every single day, seriously need to get a free pass.
Anyway other than that I'll have to start studying Chinese, German and French, and I hope that I can choose Russian at some point.

I've also been writing quite a bit. I had about 65 pages of a book written, and I think now it's more like a hundred pages. I always write by hand on paper, so I actually don't know how many pages it really is since I've yet to copy it on the PC. But we'll see. Hopefully! Maybe one day I'll get the courage to let someone actually read it. Would anyone actually be interested?

Today's Thoughts on being rude and packing

I can be a bit of a volatile person, I'm really temperamental and I tend to react to negativity in an aggressive manner. I didn't used to be this way, but years of being bullied and having to make medical professionals believe me has made me a very guarded person.

 

I don't just let things slide, I react to them. And if I have made some of you undervalued or that I've been mean to you, I'm really sorry. I don't want to hurt people but I know how to do it. And this isn't just for my readers, it's to all that have felt me be negative towards them for no reason. I have seen a reason and thus reacted accordingly, but as someone pointed out to me today is that I don't know a commenter's agenda so being rude back gives nothing. Just a bad taste in the mouth as we say here.

 

Other than that I've been packing today, got all my clothes for my trip ready and only need to make sure I have my meds and all my papers and tickets with me when I leave on Saturday.

I'll be stuck at JFK for about four hours so I'll see some US as well! I really like airports. Hate flying but not airports or airplanes. Weird huh?

 

Also I don't need to go to my entrance exams this week because I got accepted to Haaga-Helia to study Multilingual Management Assistant studies. I'm super happy even if it was my third choice!

I should be writing essays, instead I'm writing a blog

I have two more essays to write before the end of the week, and one essay to write before the 21st, but goodness me, I haven't done anything really fruitful in over three days when it comes to those essays. I've been writing my blog like mad, but not my essays.
Although, I have written 7 pages of one of them, but it still needs another 5 pages, so it doesn't really count.

I should also be reading two books in Swedish for my literature course, but oh I've just about begun the first one, so I think I'll have to tell the teacher I won't be able to finish the course after all. I'm just so busy trying to get my head straight, that all this school stress is making me wanna do things I really really shouldn't be doing.
I wanna drink so bad, but I can't 'cause of my pills. I wanna smoke, but I stopped already and it's been going great, but oh the wishful thinking of all these mindaltering substances with all my pills, not a good idea and I won't do them, but oh I'd love to.
I've already had to tell a multitude of teachers, yes, a multitude, that I cannot finish their course. One I've told I'd love to, but she hasn't even answered me back. I find that offensively rude.

On a brighter note, I got my new IKEA bed and it's half finished! Spent all of last night sleeping on the floor on my blanket under a second blanket, 'cause there was no room for a mattress...

Day XIII: My academic day

Yes, today will be a very academic day for me. I will stop thinking about all other things apart from essays. I will only write my essays.
As if that's going to happen. But no, seriously, I do need to write. I need to write alltogether about 60 pages of essays before the end of the year, which to be honest, sounds horrible but isn't all that much. I'm at the moment writing a 20 page essay, haven't gotten past page 2 but I still know I'll manage twenty pages in no time. It's always the subject that's the problem. If the subject feels bad, something boring or difficult, you know immediately that you can't write that much about it. But if it feels interesting, it doesn't matter how hard, you'll still do it.

I suppose I have mentioned about my studies and about the fact that I'm 20 ECTS (study points) away from being a Bachelor of Arts, yes? I studiy humanities, or to be precise, English philology (yes yes I know it sounds like philosophy but it has nothing to do with that). I've been studying for 3½ years now, and I feel it's time to move on. I will finish after my BA and start something else.
I would really like to get into a polytechnic and study international business, but we'll see if I get through the exams. In any case, I don't want to go to Tampere anymore, I want to stay at home, in the south. I want to stay at home with my dad and our dogs. So for at least half a year I won't attend any school.
I will get my BA done before the end of the year, which means that spring semester I will ask Kela not to pay me any benefits, and will just be on a unpaid holiday for the time being.

All this illness and being in hospital and the stress of school alltogether have made me realise that I really need some time off, I just can't do it anymore, not like this. I need some time just for me. Just for my family and enjoy my life so that I get my mental health into order as well.
I will also get rid of my apartment in Tampere, so I'll have to go there with my dad to pack up things, and then I'll sell all the furniture and give the keys back to TOAS.
This is my plan, and personally, I feel it's a good plan, I've gotten approval for it from many people I know, people who are very close to me, so I think it will go just right.
But now, it's time for me to write those essays, otherwise I'll be stuck in blogger all day!

Day IX: Sleepiness, essays and friends

I had a lovely day today. Though I had that terrible panic attack last night after my tomography, I slept like a baby throughout the entire night (no wonder, I was so drugged). My nurse told me I babbled something about only seeing blue things and that she asked me if I was okay, and my answer was a very happy "Ohhh yeess".
So yeah.

Painkillers are starting to work, I got some new ones above all the rest, and I don't get injections anymore, only Oxynorm as liquid, which is sort of awesome and sort of horrid since it tastes dreadful. I also felt like eating today, which is why I ate a lot of sweets. Shouldn't really, but hey, it's almost weekend.

I woke up at six am, which is when I also started writing my ten page essay on why christianity became the dominant religion in ancient Rome. It's not that easy writing an essay when you're so drugged that you can barely even read your source texts. But I don't mind, I've written seven pages thus far, so I'm doing quite well. I think I'll write one page more today and then the rest tomorrow. Or just all the rest tomorrow. Then it's off to other essays!

I probably mentioned this earlier, but I'm probably going to start studying something else next Autumn and now in Spring I'm just going to have a nice long holiday.

Got some visitors as well, other than my dad. Actually my dad didn't come at all today, because I had so many other visitors. Three of my friends from Tampere came to visit me, one tutorcolleague, her friend and one of my freshers. I love them, they're such lovely people! It was wonderful seeing them after such a long time.

Also, all these painkillers are making me really really drowsy so all the time I feel like sleeping. Which is why I'm going to say goodnight to you now and have some really nice dreams!
Here's a few pictures of sleepy corgies and a picture of me from this morning, after I just woke up:

Day IX: Food and Medicine

Food diary
Breakfast: 1½ dl strawberry yoghurt 120 kcal
                1 dl berry soup 100 kcal
Lunch: 1 dl mushed salmon and peas 200 kcal
           1 danish pastry 400 kcal
Dinner: 2 tblsp of godonlyknowswhat 50 kcal
           1 small ice cream 200 kcal
Evening snack: 1 dl Gefilus yoghurt 95 kcal
Alltogether:  1145 kcal


Medicine diary
Regulars+
10 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Oxynorm oral x2
5 mg Cipralex x1
x mg somethingtheyhavetoldmethenamebutiforgot x2
14 g Colonsoft x2
1 g Paracetamol x3

Exercise 

A bit of walking around, but I'm way too tired from al the medication to actually do anything. The most exercise I've gotten is writing about 7 pages of a 10 page essay! I did walk around with my friends who came to visit! I was so excited, they're lovely <3

Day V: Comments and studying

I changed the comments for this blog for what in my case is better - no more Google+ comments, but ordinary blogger ones. Nothing censored and anyone can comment (anynonymously as well).
I will disregard comments which are purposfully mean but have no real constructive criticism in them. Trolling is allowed, but will be ignored.
Other than that, please do comment! I appreciate any and every comment I get and I promise to answer all of them (and if you have a blog, I will check that out as well). Possibly not immediately (I do sleep sometimes, I'm so tired from all the painkillers), but I will still at some point, so don't fret! I'm a nice girl on the inside, though sometimes difficult to believe when I get punished this badly with all these sufferings...

Secondly, I'm thinking of taking at least half a year off from my studies. I've been sick for so long that my mental health just can't take it anymore. I still have a few ECTS to go before I get my BA papers (thesis and exam done already), but after that I'll be a free woman for a while.
I've discussed the matter with a few teachers and have the possibility of writing a few essays per course, instead of attending class (which I can't from hospital) or exam since again I don't know if I can attend. I also live 200 km away from my university town, so travel is quite arduous especially if you're still basically on sick leave. Today I already wrote 5 pages on tuberculosis in literature, and tomorrow it will be time for some ethics of historical research. Also my Latin teacher is trying to think of essays for me to write. I have some really amazing teachers, I'm so lucky. They make my life much easier!

After I'm done with my BA, I'm thinking of not continuing to Master's in my own field. I am considering International Business and Administration since it seems to suit me much better, since I actually see a future in that field rather than in mine now. I'm not planning on becoming a teacher, a translator or a researcher so what else is there with English philology? I'd rather do something worthwhile. And not that literary research isn't worthwhile! It's just better someone else does it...
Also I am still young, so changing my "career path" now seems like a much better idea than later in life, when I would be too old to work in Finland once I graduate. I'd like to graduate before 30, thank you very much.

XOXO
Frankie Savage


PS. If  you have any tips on any good internet based game to play, I'd be very greatful! I don't have any games on my laptop and can't get the ones from home since my dad won't know where they are and explaining it would we way too difficult...

Day I: A week here already

I decided to start writing again with a new blog, since I have nothing better to do here in my hospital room. I am 22 years old, heart transplant patient, cancer survivor and now out of the blue sick again. With something. The doctors seem a bit puzzled.
I am also a young woman with a nice body form but that's where it ends. I am chubby, have been fat and due to both fat and high doses of cortisone, I look like a ninety-year-old woman under my clothes. Cellulite. Stretch marks. Huge huge stretch marks.
At the moment I weigh in at 69,2 kg. Which is for my height of only 162 cm way too much, and am hoping to lose (at some point in the future) 15 kgs.

As I am sick now, in hospital, not capable of moving much since I'm not allowed to, I won't exercise. And dieting is actually unbelievably easy right now, seeing as I can't eat really either. You see, my biggest problem is a horrendous pain on the side of my throat, neck and in my mouth. So food - no way can I eat food.

I've been surviving on juices, berry soups and weirdo nutricious drinks for the last five days, so I should be losing some weight soon.

I'm a university student and tend to put on weight when each school year begins, mostly due to alcohol, seeing as we party quite a lot. Luvvvv it.
Sadly it does nasty things to my body, so yeah....change coming now!

I'll be writing about both my weight issues and my medical issues here, and will be posting just random pictures as well (not of me though, keeping my pricavy for now). I will say I am writing from Finland, and Frankie really is my nickname.