Hospital Photoshoot with JBM: Lonely

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of death.

Every day I try to stay positive and look at the good things that have happened:
- I can walk without a cane now, I don't need a wheelchair anymore
- My CRP levels have steadily gone down without the help of antibiotics or anything
- My hemoglobin levels have stayed the same and not sunk, which is great, I'm still anemic, but not that much at least
- I can eat and drink without any problems
- My legs and hands aren't as swollen as they were
- I have regained the use of my right hand, which is amazing

But.

Still I can't help but be afraid of what they might find in theiir biopsy of my small intestine. Do I have cancer? What if I have cancer? Do I need chemo?
I'm 23 going on 24, can I even be released from hospital for my own  birthday party or do I have to stay here that long.
Will I live to see the day that I turn 30. Will I ever have children and see them grow up. I would love to have children, I want to see them grow up. I don't want to be under 30 with a deadly disease.
Who would even want me? Who would be so sick in the head that they would want to fall in love and marry a woman who's always sick and might die and leave them a single parent?

These questions keep running through my head and I cannot shut them down. I wish I could. I wish I could just have an off switch for thoughts like that, but I don't. I try my best to be happy and positive but I'm so afraid and feel so alone in the evening and just want to fall asleep and wake up healthy and above all NORMAL.

30 Day Blog Challenge - On Being Single

Heya, found this interesting 30 day challenge on Pinterest and thought I might try it out. It's just a 30 day post challenge, so a topic for each day and do one blog post on that said topic. I might not do one every day, but I will go according to the list.

So I'll start with Day 1:
I am single, so will have to discuss that. I've been single for a while now, I tend to have really short relationships if that, and though I really do like being with someone special, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So if I don't honestly think I could survive with someone indefinitely I don't even bother starting something up; I don't think it's fair for anyone.

Anyway, I like being single. Sure it gets a tad lonely sometimes listening to all these taken people talk about their happy relationships, but no, I'm not alone. I would probably feel lonely in a relationship as well. At least at times. And okay, I don't get to hug and kiss and cuddle and whatnot with anyone, but that's mostly fine. If I feel really desperate for affection I have a big teddy bear at home willing to hug me. Sure she's a dog, but still. Warm+fuzzy+enormous = good hug.

Fine it's not as good as from a guy/girl you love, but it's enough for desperation at least!

I've been single for most of my life, so I've gotten extremely used to it. It gives a level of freedom, I wouldn't have in a relationship. Not that I couldn't deal with that, I don't need to go out and flirt with anyone, but still, it is a plus for being single. I don't need to make time for anyone, I don't need to move in with anyone (I can stay in my lovely house and enjoy my quiet alone time) and I don't need to feel guilty about having a bad day or landing in hospital - because I don't want to hurt anyone I love so having to tell something like that to a loved one is for me pretty painful.

And to be honest, I really do need my quiet alone time. Just because I'm really social and these days mostly an extravert, doesn't mean I want to spend my entire life in the company of others. Ooooh no.
Which is why I'd be perfectly content (at least for a while) in a long distance relationship. Sadly people these days don't seem to value the deep emotional connection you get with someone, if you are away from them for longer. People just want everything RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING. It's very frustrating, how are people these days to impatient that they can't wait like three months for someone? What about a year? Ooh no. It's weird in my opinion. If you love someone, you love them no matter what distance.

Yeah, I really do like being single. And I'd like being in a relationship just as much. I'm just not in a relationship. It's one those things - when you're single, you think how lovely it would be to be with someone and when you're with someone, you think how lovely it would be to be single. I don't really care either way. I'm not deprived of love in my life and I love plenty of people. Just not in a romantic way. Besides, it's kinda uncomfortable telling my dad I have a boyfriend and he's coming over (especially 'cause none of my boyfriends have been exactly "normal") so it's quite a bit easier to just not date anyone and be happy. And I am. Quite happy with my life.


......but I'd still like to meet someone wonderful, some nice guy who smiles a lot and is a geek and gets my brand of craziness.

The Morning of Philosophers

It's been another month gone by
they go so fast but so slow
sleep and eat and drink and sleep and
neverending circles keeping
awake for a month
Another month.

I don't know if it's the pills I keep taking or what, I suppose it's the pills, but I can't sleep anymore. I fall asleep and then wake up almost immediately and it's making me so frustrated I don't know what to do. I already spent a weekend in the psych ward getting my head together, I don't need another visit. I need to see my shrink and get more pills.
More and more medicine to swallow every night, as if it's not already a handful, a fistful.

Sometimes I don't even know if it's day or night, because at night I can't sleep properly, I fall asleep during the day and wake up thinking it's a new day. Each day just flows into the next and the previous, and I don't know where we're going. Where am I going?
Where's my life heading?

I hope the answer is simple and I get into business studies, but I fear it's more complicated than anyone could think and I manage to mess things up as usual. Such a fucking failure. I wish there was a pill to make me into a good and hardworking daughter. A good and intersting young woman. Someone to look up to rather than down on.

All alone and I still manage to have baby fever. It seems like all my friends are paring up and getting children and getting married, and I'm left out to be a maniac all by myself. But it feels like I'm abandoning them and not the other way around. I'm the one that quit. I'm the one at home and away from my friends. I'm the psycho, not them. They're awesome as ever and I'm a headcase.

Love me love me not

This time it's going to be really personal. For most of my life I've been single, big surprise since I'm under 30, and it's never really bothered me that much (except in my teen years, again big surprise). I've grown accustomed to being on my own, I like my own privacy and the freedom that comes from not being tied to anyone. I like the fact that I can choose home and my dad over someone I hardly know, and I don't have to explain why I'd rather be with my family than some guy who likes me.

However, my relationships have all been turbulent and very short, not only because of my up and down temper, but because  I tend to attract men of the same sort. I've gotten sick and tired of this. I'd like to meet a guy who likes me for who I am and isn't as insane as I am. Someone calm who'll calm me down as well.

In short - I'd like to meet someone nice, because I'm sick and tired of being alone all the time, and I'd love to finally have a decent relationship with a decent person and feel good about myself. Feel good about them. Want my dad to meet them. Want to choose them over my dad. Want to choose love over my family. I'd like to finally really honestly fall in love and not have to repress those feelings away because of a broken relationship and a broken heart. I've been in love, but I've never been allowed to stay in love.

Actually, a correction to the about text. I wouldn't mind finding a lovely calm lady to steal my heart as well. I go both ways and love is love.

Olen ollut yksin kauan, suhteeni ovat olleet lyhyitä ja todella temperamenttisia, ja toivon kaikin sydämin, että löytäisin jonkun rauhallisen miehen, joka pitäisi minutkin rauhassa. Haluan saada olla rakastunut, kun tiedän, että joku rakastaa minua takaisin, eikä pakota pitämään tunteitani poissa, kun niille ei ole vastakaikua. Korjaus: en välitä onko rakkauteni mies vai nainen, molemmat tuovat rakkautta yhtä lailla.

Darkness in My Heart

All photos from Tumblr

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

I lost a friend today, I fear. Not one I'd like to have lost and it was all due to my actions or to be a lot clearer - my inactions.
If I had done something, said something, apologised, I might not have lost them, but I didn't, I couldn't and now I'm here alone without them.


This sums up my feelings at the moment, my highly sedated feelings as I almost got a panic attack due to all of this:

Passenger - Let Her Go

Songwriters: ROSENBERG, MICHAEL DAVID

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

You and me, we'll all go down in history...

...with a sad statue of liberty and a generation that didn't agree.

Father Into your hands I commit my spirit
       Father Into your hands, why have you forsaken me?
             In your eyes, forsaken me?
             In your thoughts, forsaken me?
      In your heart, forsaken me?


I still have 11 days until I see my new psychiatrist. 11 days I have to survive with talking to no professional. I don't know if that'll work.

after all this time i still don't know how to end it