Every day I try to stay positive and look at the good things that have happened:
- I can walk without a cane now, I don't need a wheelchair anymore
- My CRP levels have steadily gone down without the help of antibiotics or anything
- My hemoglobin levels have stayed the same and not sunk, which is great, I'm still anemic, but not that much at least
- I can eat and drink without any problems
- My legs and hands aren't as swollen as they were
- I have regained the use of my right hand, which is amazing
But.
Still I can't help but be afraid of what they might find in theiir biopsy of my small intestine. Do I have cancer? What if I have cancer? Do I need chemo?
I'm 23 going on 24, can I even be released from hospital for my own birthday party or do I have to stay here that long.
Will I live to see the day that I turn 30. Will I ever have children and see them grow up. I would love to have children, I want to see them grow up. I don't want to be under 30 with a deadly disease.
Who would even want me? Who would be so sick in the head that they would want to fall in love and marry a woman who's always sick and might die and leave them a single parent?
These questions keep running through my head and I cannot shut them down. I wish I could. I wish I could just have an off switch for thoughts like that, but I don't. I try my best to be happy and positive but I'm so afraid and feel so alone in the evening and just want to fall asleep and wake up healthy and above all NORMAL.
Ah yes, there's always Monty Python for the moments when only the truly surreal or silly will do, as a counterpoint to the granite block of fear.
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear of the improvements in your health and physical symptoms - hooray for each small step: the literal and the figurative.
And the 'buts' and the questions... so very honest; so very raw. I can't think that anyone - unless they have had a similar experience - can truly imagine or put themselves in your shoes. There's such light and shadow in this post. So, thank goodness for the opposites in dark humour and for Monty Python lyrics when we most need them. Thinking of you with fingers very firmly crossed for the outcome of the biopsy you mention.
That was such an amazing comment that I can't find words to tell you how much I want to thank you
DeleteTry and keep positive and have positive people around you who make you laugh and distract you from your worries.
ReplyDeleteLots of couples have unfortunately gone through something where one partner has cancer, and stayed together, some people have become single parents sadly, but they never wish they had not shared love with that wonderful person. If (touchwood it will never happen) my partner passed for some reason, I would still be grateful for the time we had had together! You are special and someone will want you!
That I am doing,,I havve such an amazing support group behind me, I can't even describe it. Even you and all the others who always comment something, you make my day <3
DeleteI know what you mean, it happened to my parents too (my mom died of cancer) but who wold even want to date someone who already has something? Most couples get hiit by tthese things once they're already together and have no choice but to stick with it, but I don't have anyone already, I'm single. Try to find someone who isn't sick in the head and still wants too date someone who might not live to 30.
I am a firm believer that you don't get to choose who you fall in love with, that God is the matchmaker. And, "'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." So when the time is right, you will find love. You are a beautiful, brave, intelligent and loving young woman! Who wouldn't love you?!
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