Day IV: Food and Medicine

Food diary
Breakfast: 3 tblsp porridge 25 kcal
Lunch: 1 dl mushed up meatballs and peas 200 kcal
           1 dl apple juice 100 kcal
Dinner: 1 dl mushed meatballs 150 kcal
             1 chocolate flavoured Nutridrink 302 kcal
             2 chocolate pieces 60 kcal
             a small handful of candy (hurtttttt) 70 kcal
Altogether: 882 kcal

Medicine diary
Morning and evening: Regulars

10 mg Oxycontin twice a day
6 mg Oxanest IM every three to four hours
14 g Colonsoft
Primperan when needed
20 mg Diazepam

Small walk with dad and some major hyperventilating.

Top five songs of week 47

Pierce the Veil - King for a Day ft Kellin Quinn

Black Veil Brides - I am Bulletproof

All Time Low - Time-Bomb

Aristocats - Thomas O'Malley (german)

Mathieu Chedid et Sean Lennon - L'Eclipse

My own weightloss #1 (only adults)

I'm going to start a small series now with pictures of me on my journey to a good, healthy, comfortable and hopefully pretty body.
If someone recognizes me from these pictures, fine, I don't really care. I am just too lazy to remove my tattoos from the photos. They are all censored otherwise so no porno-y bits visible. This is only to inspire weightloss, and notice the difference.

I've also tried recording the amount of cellulite and stretch marks I have (they tend to intertwine as well, so differentiating one from the other is not easy) so you'll be able to see what havoc strong amounts of cortisone can do in a short perioud of time. Please understand that though I these days eat way too much and am overweight because of bad habits, all of the horrible scarring and most of the cellulite is a result of extreme doses of cortisone (methylprednisolon) when I was just 12 years old. I was not fat then, I was just eating my meds that kept me alive. So this sort of change is not always due to "greed".

Here are the shockers (and trust me, they are shocking):

Top: From the front with no underarm flab, bottom: with flab

From behind all muscles relaxed

Stretch marks on the side of my hips all the way to my waist.

More side stretch marks, and some marks from my hospital trousers

Stretch marks on my upper arms, they go all the way from my armpit to my elbow bend

Stretch marks all through my legs, they go from my *krhm* ladyparts all the way down to my ankles

Cellulite showing while butt muscles are not held relaxed

Butt muscles relaxed, you can also see my side hip stretch marks on both sides

Day III: Midnight panic attack

This was the first night in a while when I actually slept thoroughly and saw a dream that didn't involve hospitals or being sick in any way.
Actually it was about a neighbour who came to show us a dead white rat (which looked more like a mix between a mouse and a moth) and told us that they'd a few years back found a small white kitten as well, and just knew it came from us since we had cats at that time.

Of course in the dream none of this seemed odd to me, not the fact that my neighbours weren't my neighbours, were talking of a kitten they'd got rid off and the fact that both our cats had been castrated males, so no kittens possible.
Anyway in the dream I was just plain saddened by the fact that we'd lost a cat we'd never even known about, but it all sort of felt okay and drank a cup of coffee with my neighbours.

Dreams, right? Never any logic.

Then I woke up, to pee I assume, but the second I woke up I remember I was in hospital and just started panicking. Crying and hyperventilating, and then all the pain in my jaw just hit me like a hammer, and all I could do was wait for the nurse to come and help me. I've never been able to stop a panic attack once they start without tranquillisers (thankfully today is Monday so I can talk about that breathing therapy the psychiatrist mentioned to me), so I just waited for painkillers for the jaw and knock outs for the panic.

And this is me now writing this completely relaxed and painfree after 6 mg Oxanest IM and a pill of Zyprexa. It's not really a tranquilliser at such, but it is against panic disorder and together with the strong opiates it worked rather well.
Why I'm still awake is a mystery, but oh well. Might as well be now, it's a hospital, I sleep when I want to.