Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Today's thoughts and workouts

So today I decided to get back on track with my exercising and weight loss, though I haven't really lost the track as more levelled into a track I don't want to be in. However, it's never that simple, because let's face it - the amount of sedatives I'm taking could keep a T-Rex asleep for three days, so how on earth am I going to have the sheer energy to even lift myself off the bed, let alone some weights to add?

I constantly feel tired, I feel like all I could do this moment is just sleep sleep sleep, and that's really all I want to be doing when it's this cold and dreary. I hope very much that it doesn't stay like this for very long, otherwise I'm seriously going to lose it. And I've basically already lost it, kinda why I'm in this mess in the first place.

It's also not the simplest way to try and motivate your weight loss when half the time you keep staring at a bottle of 40 proof and wishing you could just down it in one. Now there's some unnecessary carbs for you, way to go. The cheapo Estonian beer in my room aren't helping either, though it's not really their fault I want to drink them. I can really relate to Bugs's emotions here.

Butttt, here's my goal:

Today's Thoughts and MRIs

Woke up in the morning feeling nothing like I should after a good long sleep, seeing as I woke up at five am again and couldn't sleep any longer.
Waited till 7 am to really get up, but got bored a few moments later. Finally started eating breakfast, I usually skip the whole thing and it's not a good idea. I've started eating porridge now every day to keep me going in the morning. Drank a few cups of coffee too, but that doesn't help.

Today was dad's MRI, I went with him though I'm sure he could've done it without me. It's just nicer not being all alone in a hospital I think. We still don't know what's wrong with him and I'm really scared of what might come out of all of it. I'm really nervous for him. I hope it's something treatable, something cureable.

I should start drawing again, been itching to draw for days, but just haven't found the right sort of moment to do that. I need a good place to sit and watch something, but our living room is way too cold for drawing and my bed just doesn't give the right sort of seating for my drawing. I don't know. I'm rambling now.
I'm just nervous.

I should get a call from my future therapist either today or beginning of next week. Not going to see a shrink for my therapy but some other person, someone less important than a doctor I presume. I don't really care anymore, I feel fine now since half of my stress has been controlled. I did all my school work now and should get my BA out any day now! So I'm really excited about that and not at all nervous about school anymore. The only thing to do now is to empty the flat in Tampere and give back the keys to TOAS (Tampere student housing).

I need something to do. Something that'd keep me warm. I should clean too. I should get internet in my room so I could spend more time on my laptop,  but there's no internet cable there. So I have to sit here in the entree in the cold. It's not even that cold, but I feel cold. I feel cold all the time now. I don't even know why.

I I I I all my text start with that. So bye now. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst!

Art of Burlesque

I need some little help here. I'm going to have a burlesque themed photoshoot in a few weeks, and I'm not really sure what I should take with me as clothes and props go.
Do you guys have any ideas and suggestions? I've been studying photos from Tumblr (below) but have still no real clue. Help?

Behind a Lace Curtain

Today I've been feeling a lot less like myself. Again. A few days in a row. Or more like weeks. I don't feel the world the same way I did before, it feels like I'm watching everything through a curtain and only seeing parts of it. Or I'm in some way only a part of the world and not really in it. Not in any real way.

I don't know why these thoughts bother me so much, because my life hasn't really changed at all since  I got home from hospital and, yeah, life's pretty much routine around here. That should help, right? I know it should. It has before. But now, I don't feel like myself, I don't even feel the world is the same anymore, and I truly do not know why I think this.

I don't notice a difference, only that there must be one for me to feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've already gone through my panic attack pills, 'cause I keep getting them, but I can't get anymore pills so it's either panic attack and hospital (which in itself is enough to make me shiver already), or just try and suck it up or sit in my room for a day hyperventilating. Those are my options. None seems nice for me right now. I don't know what to do.

I should probably call the hospital. I know I should if I feel like this. I just don't want to. I hate hospitals, they freak the living shit out of me. And mental hospitals even more. They're like prisons. You get stripped searched while hyperventilating. It's horrible.
And I don't want to go. And I don't want to bother my dad. So this is it. Suck it up and sit in my room.

My room doesn't even have any curtains. I can't hide anywhere. All the thoughts will always follow me wherever I go. I can't save myself from them, I have to learn to live with them.

Thoughts of the day - how to clean in an organised fashion?

1. I don't know.

I just pour everything out of everything on the floor and try to make it into something that's at least halfway organised. Now please, if any of you have any sort of tips on how to clean (and by clean I don't mean vacuuming, but organising) in a manner that does not involve a catastrophe zone in the room in which the cleaning is done, I would be very very happy to hear them.

Not kidding about the catastrophe zone.

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.