Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.
All there is
and panic attacks
and walls crumbling down
and the sky falling on all of us
but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".
Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me.
She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).
Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now.
I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help.
(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).
(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on).
It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help.
I learned that today and will never forget it.