Still alive - but still in hospital

I'm still here.
But writing is too hard and I'm in constant pain. I can't use my laptop since it's too heavy, so this will be short.

I don't have sepsis. I may or may not have pneumonia. I have blood clots, one in my leg, two around my liver and possibly some lung embolisms.

The reason why I'm still sane here because of my wonderful dad whose the most important person to me, my bestest friend Hanna whose been an an angel, and all my other amazing friends from school and the the blogosphere (I'm sorry Manette, I can't remember your blog's address...)

I've also gotten help from the psych department and they've been great to me.

New Hospital Update

Alright, I think now is the time to really explain all of this.

I went to hospital because the lymphnodes on my neck were so swollen that my entire neck was in pain and swollen, my throat was swollen and incredibly painful, so I couldn't eat, drink or take my meds. Which is why I was admitted.

I was sent to Aurora hospital, which is the place where they have a ward for infectious diseases. They suspected three things; herpes, cytomegalo and EBV (mononucleosis). All tests came back negative. Although the symptoms were those of mono, that came back negative as well. This can mean two things, either the tests really were negative and I had something else or then because of my immunosuppression there were false negatives.

In any case a couse of antivirals, antibiotics and cortison has now gotten rid of my symptoms and I am in that sense healthy again. They might let me leave this week!

However, I have a new problem: my entire right hand and wrist is extremely swollen and painful. I have similar pains in my left leg and hand as well, but those are still functional. I cannot do anything at all with my right hand. And I'm right-handed.
They took an ultrasound to see if there are signs of trombosis (bloof clots), deep bruises or inflammationn, but saw nothing at all to suggest those. So now I'm on nervepainkillers, because they think it might be nerve related, and maybe I will have an ENMG later on (not in the next two weeks). It would show if there are changes or problems in my nerve pathways.

Writing this has been horrible, because I've had to use just one hand and I keep making mistakes with my left hand, so sorry for any typos I've missed. My right hand/arm is entirely immobile now, because it hurts even when I do nothing with it.

I'm also still in queue for the psychiatric department, and I might need to start my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills again.

Medication:
Lyrica 75 mg x2
Diapam 10 mg x3 (if needed)
Panadol 1 g x3
Zovirax
Some antibiotic that I can't remember the name of
My regular meds
Medrol 8 mg extra
And last night I got some benzo to help me sleep through the pain, which helped and now the nurses are trying to get it to me on a regular basis.

Snow, ponds and feeling better

Still in the hospital and probably will be here for quite some time to come, but I feel a hell of a lot better. The cortison helped to take away some of the swelling in my neck and throat - my lymph nodes are a bit swollen still but not a lot anymore and they don't hurt that much anymore. My throat still hurts like a bitch, but at least now (finally) I'm getting actual painkillers. I managed to plead long enough for them to agree to give me oxycodone when I really need it. Which is only about twice a day now, since the swelling has gone down.

I'm getting my antibiotics through the IV but everything else I'll be taking as pills, which is awesome. And I'm allowed to eat now that I can (thanks to the painkillers) and I feel so incredibly happy just to be able to drink a bottle of coke without wanting to die. Before it felt like one gulp could tear my throat in two but now it feels completely normal with just a slight sting. Slight sting. Jesus, one day and this much progress! It's fantastic!

And I'm pretty sure I'll be getting to speak to a psychiatric nurse soonish - I did ask the first day I was here, but it didn't go further, but today during the doctors' rounds, they told me that yes they know and I should get to speak to someone at some point. Which is great, 'cause I've really been feeling quite anxious here. I haven't had the time to see my regular psychologist, so this is already long overdue to speak to someone, so I really can't wait to load things off my chest!

Now that I have the catheter on my neck, I don't need to have an IV in my arm or hand or anywhere, so I can actually use my hands normally again! Which again, fantastic! Hopefully I'll only miss a few days of school next week and not the entire week. I don't know yet though, but all my teachers are fine with this so I'm sure I can deal with the courses even if I end up missing the entire week. Hope not though, we have team projects and I feel bad about not being there.

Also I got a text message from my post office that two shoes that I ordered have arrived! I cannot wait. They're awesome!

Yes, this painkiller might be making me a tad hyper, but hey, I'm almost pain free! So I don't care what's making me hyper, I am happy.

Every day I go out for a walk (and sorry to say also a smoke) and today there's snow on the ground as well! It's really pretty. Aurora hospital, though in Helsinki, is a nice place: right on a hill, old buildings scattered around, small unkempt park with a pretty little pond. Went to see the pond today and it was frozen over!

Aurora, Aurora

Yesterday was a horrible horrible day. Just plain awful. I woke up in the morning with the most dreadful pain I've had thus far being here and big surprise (thank you effing painkiller hating Finland) I got nothing to help with the pain. I cried hysterically for two hours until I got a very tiny dose of oxycodone (not even enough to get half of the pain away) after which I was sent to a ear-nose-throat specialist. They found nothing new and sent me back to my ward.
I did get some new medications from them to help with the swelling and the infection, but pain? No nothing. I did manage to get paracetamol, which they love to give around here, thank the Lord above. IT IS THE MOST USELESS PAINKILLER EVER.

So, later, after again crying hysterically, I lost my IV, it started leaking. So they wanted to put a new one, but found no veins, so they decided I'd get a central line catheter. For that, they need to know how quickly my blood coagulates, so new blood samples. Again, no veins to be found. Had a panic attack.

They sent me to the catheter place, place the anaesthesiologist finally got some blood out and managed to answer the coagulation issue - and they gave me such enormous amounts of sedatives and strong painkillers (this white diazepine stuff and phentanyl) that I was in no pain whatsoever for the first time in weeks. I felt so bloody happy! When I was finally done with the catheter - which took about thrice as long as normal, since they put it in the wrong way first and had to correct it - I ate and drank so much I was actually full! I can't remember when I ate that much last! Seeing as I haven't been able to eat or drink for ages.

Now finally I'm getting oxycodone as pills during the day so I can eat and drink. They're not high doses, so I still feel the pain, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. And I'm getting both antivirals and antibiotics through the IV catheter, and the swelling has slightly subsided. So today seems to be a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was horrible.
But I managed to get some photos from outside, Aurora hospital is a relatively nice place, old but pretty on a little hill.

Hospitals again and today's thoughts

I'm stuck in hospital. Again. And for the same reason. The lymph nodes under my jaw line have gotten enlarged due to some odd reason nobody knows of. Doctors are quite certain its virus based, so no antibiotics needed (though I'll explain later why I will need them) which also means there's no real treatment whatever it is. I'm getting Tamiflu - you know the stuff they use against influenza. It might and I hope it will have an effect and help me get rid of this at least for now, because I can't really eat or drink without strong painkillers (getting Tramal this time together with the basic paracetamol).

I also might have a urinary tract infection which is why, like I said, will need antibiotics at some point. I hope they'll give me some soon 'cause this is unbelieveably uncomfortable. Thankfully I have my laptop here so  I can bitch about all of this to you people out there reading my blog. Wohoo, I feel so lucky.
No but seriously, I feel lucky to have you guys, you mean the world to me, and I hope my urine doesn't scare you guys away, 'cause I need you in my life. 'kay? xoxo

I have my laptop, which gives me great pleasure here in the large three person room alone, while I sit by the window on my bed and wonder if I'll get out in a week or three this time round. Maybe I'll get a free pass for the rest of the year again. Positive thinking eh?
No but I'm scared. I'm seriously scared of this entire ordeal, because in the shortest time I've had the same problem and the same exact pain for the second time, and I just can't live like this. How can I go to school or work when every two months I have to stay in hospital for goodness knows how long?

I'm really glad I have my sedatives and all, since I'd be screwed without them, I wouldn't know what on earth to do or to think in this situation. They calm me a bit so I don't feel as distressed  as I would otherwise, because I really am scared of how my life will go with all these problems I have. I don't want to be a drop out just because I'm sick often! I want to be a normal person... 

I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have all this to worry about, if all my life just went around the normal day to day routines of getting up, working, going to sleep and that over and over again, without midnight phone calls to psychiatric wards or sudden moves towards the emergency room because I can't eat or drink anymore, I wonder. I wonder what my life would  be like and what kind of a person I'd be. Would I still listen to J-Rock, would I wear a Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt, would I have green hair?
Would I still have tattoos and long for a kitten?

Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Just Tired

All photos from Tumblr

Not Right Up Here

Thought's of today and today in my head. It's not a pretty place anymore.
Had to call my shrink again, 'cause I'm dumb and forgot to get more meds. Thank God I have some other sedatives too or I'd have done something really stupid. I'm too rash, I jump to decisions quicker than I think things through. But my mind is still constantly churning up more horrid imagery for me.

All photos from Tumblr.

Darkness in My Heart

All photos from Tumblr