Today's thoughts on depression and manga

Saw my psychiatric nurse today again, and she's really the sweetest ever. I am happy I'm seeing such a lovely person and I don't have to be afraid of being judged or considered insane by the person who's talking with me and trying to help me. She's really sweet and even though I got dreadful scores on the BDI test (seriously depressing scores), she was really nice to me about it and we went to agree that a high score doesn't mean you're crazy, it's just natural after such a taxing life as mine (and seeing as my life is easy compared to some people's...)

Went to see my gran too today, she can be taxing at times herself, but she's a nice old lady all in all. These days. She didn't use to be. But I won't get into that.

Went to the store too and bought some danish pastries which I'm not going to eat before Saturday since I'm on my 30 day no sugar challenge. Yay, go me. I'm really a weirdo buying cakes when I'm not even allowed to eat them. It's like buying food when you're trying to starve. Well no, not even in the least. It's idiotic to starve yourself, it's a good thing not to eat too much sugar.

Also bought some Japan inspired magazines, one about anime and manga and the other one about both those and music. There are a few events in the next few months about manga and anime and cosplay, and I'm not really sure if I'll go or not, but I wanted to get myself updated on the latest news, 'cause I've been out of the loop for a loong loooong time. It's sad though since I used to be really into both, though much more into manga than anime, but I lost touch with it after beginning my studies and not having any money to buy books and not wanting to read anything online, it just sort of went away. I've lost touch with a lot of my favourite activities because of my studies, and it's sort of sad.

Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Today's thoughts and photos - flu season and make up bags

I got a fever today, not a high one, but high enough to keep me away from the gym and stuck in bed all day. I can barely breathe, my nose is so stuffed. I hate having these tiny little colds every month, I'm so tired of always being sick and not having the strength to get up and do something. I just want to live a normal unsick life. Although I suppose these days that sort of thing isn't normal at all, everybody's sick with something and nobody can get away from life.

I did go see my psychiatric nurse today, even with the cold. Had to go to the pharmacy and bank too, but that's unimportant. I got a BDI test to do, and it seems I am depressed. It's up to her to define how depressed and up to me to figure out why and how to get rid of it. I don't know why I'm depressed. Not really. I know why I'm sad, but sadness doesn't create suicidal thoughts. I think? I don't know. I wish I could see her tomorrow and ask these things from her, but I have to wait a week. I can of course always call her, but I think that would border on annoying.

This is my first month without school work. Without studying. Without essays or exams or lectures. This is my first month of my sabbatical and I don't really feel much better. I feel a bit empty to be honest, but  I know I couldn't handle studying now. I just couldn't handle having to stress over minute things when I'm struggling with life itself.

I pierced my ear yesterday, made a second hole in my left ear. Now I'm letting it heal. I'm stretching my right earlobe now, but first only a little. Hopefully soon I'll get to change the pin into a bigger one. I know it's a slow process, because we don't want any injuries.

Noticed I have way too much make up for one make up bag. I have like five make up bags all full of things, and that's not even all of my make up. And it's stuff I use every now and again, can't just throw them out. I need to get a bigger make up bag, but don't really know where to look or what to look for! Maybe I should go to one of those manly building stuff stores and buy me a huge box for nails and hammers and use that for make up. Might be even a bit cheaper than getting a big make up box...