Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.