Day V: Going back on my word and posting self portraits

I was thinking of keeping my privacy with this blog, but that went out the window when I posted the nearly-naked-slightly-censored-before-weight-loss-photos of me. So I decided, why the heck not post something else as well.
The lighting here in my hospital room is marvellous! They have about four different types of lamps - giving four different types of light, not to mention the abnormally large window (for a hospital that is) which gives ample sunlight during the day. It's really a great place to play around with a camera!
These pictures I took two nights ago after relaxing from the panic attack.
I only used the lighting behind my bed, the slightly larger reading light (I think it might be fluorescent) and I used my Canon EOS 500D for the photographing. I only have that one camera and it is very dear to me. It has it's quirks and oddities, but I've gotten used to them by now.

As it was the middle of the night, it is clear I had no make up on, and had not brushed my hair in a while. However, since I am in hospital, I rarely wear any makeup anyway and only brush my hair when absolutely necessary. Mostly because I'm too annoyed of hospitals to be bothered.
Although, I was thinking that tomorrow I would really do something - put some nice make up on, make my hair nice and put on my civil clothes and play dress up! Because this is a hospital, what else am I supposed to do? 

This would be a much nicer picture if there wasn't the annoying computer phone behind me making me look like an alien

Day V: Comments and studying

I changed the comments for this blog for what in my case is better - no more Google+ comments, but ordinary blogger ones. Nothing censored and anyone can comment (anynonymously as well).
I will disregard comments which are purposfully mean but have no real constructive criticism in them. Trolling is allowed, but will be ignored.
Other than that, please do comment! I appreciate any and every comment I get and I promise to answer all of them (and if you have a blog, I will check that out as well). Possibly not immediately (I do sleep sometimes, I'm so tired from all the painkillers), but I will still at some point, so don't fret! I'm a nice girl on the inside, though sometimes difficult to believe when I get punished this badly with all these sufferings...

Secondly, I'm thinking of taking at least half a year off from my studies. I've been sick for so long that my mental health just can't take it anymore. I still have a few ECTS to go before I get my BA papers (thesis and exam done already), but after that I'll be a free woman for a while.
I've discussed the matter with a few teachers and have the possibility of writing a few essays per course, instead of attending class (which I can't from hospital) or exam since again I don't know if I can attend. I also live 200 km away from my university town, so travel is quite arduous especially if you're still basically on sick leave. Today I already wrote 5 pages on tuberculosis in literature, and tomorrow it will be time for some ethics of historical research. Also my Latin teacher is trying to think of essays for me to write. I have some really amazing teachers, I'm so lucky. They make my life much easier!

After I'm done with my BA, I'm thinking of not continuing to Master's in my own field. I am considering International Business and Administration since it seems to suit me much better, since I actually see a future in that field rather than in mine now. I'm not planning on becoming a teacher, a translator or a researcher so what else is there with English philology? I'd rather do something worthwhile. And not that literary research isn't worthwhile! It's just better someone else does it...
Also I am still young, so changing my "career path" now seems like a much better idea than later in life, when I would be too old to work in Finland once I graduate. I'd like to graduate before 30, thank you very much.

XOXO
Frankie Savage


PS. If  you have any tips on any good internet based game to play, I'd be very greatful! I don't have any games on my laptop and can't get the ones from home since my dad won't know where they are and explaining it would we way too difficult...

Day V: Bad news

I am not lymphomafree as I previously thought. My temperature is being kept down solely by paracetamol. My lymphnodes are still enlarged. I can't eat properly, everything hurts.
I may have more lymphoma. I scared and I get massive panic attacks.

I hate my life right now.

Day V: Food and Medicine

Nothing new to report here, I will now discontinue telling anything about my regular meds since it's so utterly boring to write about them. Other than that here goes:

Food diary
Breakfast: 1 dl porridge 120 kcal

Lunch: 0,5 dl mushed up meatballs 100 kcal
            2 dl berry quark 200 kcal
Dinner: 2 tblsp of mushed up salmon soup 50 kcal
             1 icecream stick 159 kcal
Snack: Five candies 70 kcal
Alltogether: 699 kcal


Medicine diary
10 mg Oxycontin x2

6 mg Oxanest IM x5
20 mg Diazepam x1
1 pill Zyprexa x1

Exercise
Small walk to the cafeteria and back with my dad