Still alive - but still in hospital

I'm still here.
But writing is too hard and I'm in constant pain. I can't use my laptop since it's too heavy, so this will be short.

I don't have sepsis. I may or may not have pneumonia. I have blood clots, one in my leg, two around my liver and possibly some lung embolisms.

The reason why I'm still sane here because of my wonderful dad whose the most important person to me, my bestest friend Hanna whose been an an angel, and all my other amazing friends from school and the the blogosphere (I'm sorry Manette, I can't remember your blog's address...)

I've also gotten help from the psych department and they've been great to me.

New Hospital Update

Alright, I think now is the time to really explain all of this.

I went to hospital because the lymphnodes on my neck were so swollen that my entire neck was in pain and swollen, my throat was swollen and incredibly painful, so I couldn't eat, drink or take my meds. Which is why I was admitted.

I was sent to Aurora hospital, which is the place where they have a ward for infectious diseases. They suspected three things; herpes, cytomegalo and EBV (mononucleosis). All tests came back negative. Although the symptoms were those of mono, that came back negative as well. This can mean two things, either the tests really were negative and I had something else or then because of my immunosuppression there were false negatives.

In any case a couse of antivirals, antibiotics and cortison has now gotten rid of my symptoms and I am in that sense healthy again. They might let me leave this week!

However, I have a new problem: my entire right hand and wrist is extremely swollen and painful. I have similar pains in my left leg and hand as well, but those are still functional. I cannot do anything at all with my right hand. And I'm right-handed.
They took an ultrasound to see if there are signs of trombosis (bloof clots), deep bruises or inflammationn, but saw nothing at all to suggest those. So now I'm on nervepainkillers, because they think it might be nerve related, and maybe I will have an ENMG later on (not in the next two weeks). It would show if there are changes or problems in my nerve pathways.

Writing this has been horrible, because I've had to use just one hand and I keep making mistakes with my left hand, so sorry for any typos I've missed. My right hand/arm is entirely immobile now, because it hurts even when I do nothing with it.

I'm also still in queue for the psychiatric department, and I might need to start my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills again.

Medication:
Lyrica 75 mg x2
Diapam 10 mg x3 (if needed)
Panadol 1 g x3
Zovirax
Some antibiotic that I can't remember the name of
My regular meds
Medrol 8 mg extra
And last night I got some benzo to help me sleep through the pain, which helped and now the nurses are trying to get it to me on a regular basis.

Back from a long holiday

So this has taken me forever.
Sorry about that.
Well not really, I am sorry for being MIA but I'm not really sorry for having enjoyed my summer. So in June I was in Canada for two weeks, mostly in Toronto (just a day or so in Montreal, out of a whim really), and I had the most amazing time. Safe to say it was the best holiday I've ever had. However, more about that later on when I finally get my photos posted here too.

The summer's been unbelievably warm. Hot actually, and I think I've melted a few times, it's dreadful. I'm  really not one for warm weather, I can't do anything other than drink bottle after bottle of mineral water and it's driving my dad insane. I think I drink like seven litres a day (and to anyone who thinks it is dangerously too much - I'm still alive so booyah get over it, at least I can drink).
I can't sleep whatsoever, so basically this summer has just made my insomnia much much worse, and I can't really ask for help because my shrink is on holiday. So I have my old pills for it, but seeing as they never helped, well, tough luck I suppose.

Speaking of shrinks.  Since I went on holiday in June, I haven't taken a single anti-depressant, anti-anxiety or anti-anythingpill and I feel fabulous.
I think it's safe to say I'm no longer depressed. I am a tad worried about the start of my new school year, because if I start stressing out again, I might need to start taking pills too, but let's just wait and see, shall we?

And yes, I was accepted to Haaga-Helia to become a multilingual management assistant. So from the end of this month on, I will be studying business and languages. Hopefully by the end of the next four years (that's about as long as the studies will take), I'll be able to speak over ten languages. That's my goal anyway. I'd like to get to twenty before I die.
On the 19th I will have a Swedish test to maybe get exempt from the course, because if I have to take another Swedish course with people who can't even say their own names in Swedish I will kill someone. I use Swedish every single day, seriously need to get a free pass.
Anyway other than that I'll have to start studying Chinese, German and French, and I hope that I can choose Russian at some point.

I've also been writing quite a bit. I had about 65 pages of a book written, and I think now it's more like a hundred pages. I always write by hand on paper, so I actually don't know how many pages it really is since I've yet to copy it on the PC. But we'll see. Hopefully! Maybe one day I'll get the courage to let someone actually read it. Would anyone actually be interested?

Today's thoughts on Summer and clothing

Hello there again, it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't really had anything to say, no that's not true, I just haven't felt like being online.

I have had a lot of things to think about. Firstly, I am going to Canada, though it seemed like I might not be able to. So I'm really excited and a bit nervous about the whole thing, but in a good way. I've also been checking what sort of things I could go and see as I'm spending more than two weeks in Toronto. My first stop will definitely be Canada's biggest zoo. I love zoos with all my heart and am probably going to spend two days there! There's also a huge amusement park which I really want to go to and a bookstore named "The World's Biggest Bookstore". Not to mention all the shopping and Chinatown and everything. I just can't wait.

Secondly, I've been feeling a tad better, I don't have as many panic attacks but I still got some diazepam for my trip so in case I get an attack I don't need to go to the hospital since it's outside of EU and thus more expensive for me. That's sort of making me a bit nervous 'cause just knowing I might not be able to pay for the care is giving me a bit of anxiety.

Thirdly, I've been thinking of trying to get going my own clothing line. I draw a lot, I love drawing, and I have some ideas, but I'm not sure if my talents are good enough for doing something like that. It'll be a small thing, I think I'm going to start with just t-shirts and jumpers and maybe bags. I just need to start drawing some sketches and see where I'll be able to publish them.
Do any of my readers have ideas concerning this? I mean, do you know any good sites for ordering or also printing t-shirts? Maybe even so that they do the work and I just gather up the drawings and give to them?

And fourthly, how do I get this crummy blue hair dye off my hair? I've already bleached it and it's still sticking to my hair like glue it's really weird.

Oh and my anti-anxiety pills are giving me some trouble. You know how some pills can give you mood swings and dryness of mouth and maybe some constipation. Well guess what, I'd love to have those instead of my problems. I can deal with the decrease of libido, jesus I was a complete slut before I started my pills so a bit of calming down is just good for me, but lactating. Lactating. I am not kidding. I am not pregnant and I am jesusfuckingchrist lactating.
Now it's waiting for my test results of my prolactin levels to see where the problem lies and how big the problem is. Has any of you who use pills for anxiety and depression ever had this problem?

Also it's a crappy day today, but oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Today's thoughts on short hair and photoshoots

I just haven't gotten used to having short hair yet, I keep getting a cold neck and wanting to open my bun and realising I don't have my hair in a bun, I've cut them. I think they look good on most days, maybe make me look a bit more boyish than I like, but nevertheless on a grand scale I quite like them. Just a matter of getting used to not having longer hair. Kind of like when you don't have a wristwatch and you keep  checking the time off of an empty wrist. It's so frustrating, but it's not somehow terrible, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I might have a photoshoot today, might. A photographer should come round and look at our sheds and woods and see if he'd like to have a photoshoot there, but  I don't know if he's only coming to check things out, or if he's prepared to have the photoshoot right then and there. I'm a bit nervous.
Especially since my dad doesn't like the idea one single bit, he's absolutely refused the house and garden to be in photos, so it'll only be sheds and woods for us, which is perfectly fine for me, as I was thinking of those anyways, but I wish he was in a better mood of the whole thing. I think he needs to eat first too...

Anyway the photographer is coming at noon, so we still have plenty of time to get used to the idea.  I hope it all goes well.
I'm a lot nervous actually. I'm kinda afraid he'll want to photograph some of the house and I'll have to deny him from that and I'll get a bad reputation as a model, which is ridiculous loss of self-confidence at this point, but hey, that's me. I have no self-confidence no matter what I sound like or seem like here or in real life. I always have this voice of absolute and incessent insecurity rambling idiotic thoughts in my head.

I've packed a bunch of clothes and make up ready in a bag in a room where my dad doesn't have to meet the guy and Billie can't get in there, so it'll be easier to work around the whole "seeing the house" bit. God I'm so nervous.

My sleep has been a bit of an issue here as well. I'm still not sleeping very well and I take a lot of medicine to try and make me sleep. It's ridiculous. I've already years ago tried everything medical and non-medical and now they're just redoing all the medical stuff, just with bigger doses. I take like  five different meds to help me sleep and that's not counting diazepam which I need when I get really anxious. And I do still get anxiety breakdowns, it's even more ridiculous. Nothing in my life is worth getting anxious about and still I can't shake the feeling of insecurity and fear, plain fear running through my body. And then I start hyperventilating. Thankfully I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite some time now, I'm really happy about that.

All photos are from Tumblr.

And here's a small vlog in Finnish:

Bad day's thoughts

I don't know how  I manage to do this, but the simplest thing just ruins a  day and I fail to see a future for myself any longer and I feel like just passing away into oblivion. I wish I didn't have people who cared about me so I would be able to get rid of this feeling and get rid of this life. But then I realise that's a horrible thought to have and just go on like nothing happened.
But a bad day. On a bad day I can't be happy, I can't even really be sad. I just am.

Also I can't sleep anymore at all so I got some more pills to try and help with that. Yay great. More pills, just what the doctor prescribed. Literally.

Hyvä päivä, hyvä päivä, älä tule paha päivä, tule hyvä päivä, ei. Ei se niin toimi. Saan huonon päivän mitä tyhmimmistä ja pienistä syistä ja yhtäkkiä kesken päivän se muuttuu hyvästä huonoksi ja minä menetän haluni elää. En edes tiedä mikä siinä on enää, pelkään vain kuollakseni tulevaa enkä näe siinä mitään hyvää. 

Today's thoughts and grans

My day started as well as a day could, I felt good, I cleaned a bit, I did my Fitocracy even though it's technically my rest day. And all the while I just felt really good and quite happy.
I've been chatting to random people again too, which is always nice getting to know people from all over the world, and I feel like writing letters again - I've been a terrible penpal for the last year.

But then came my gran. For the last four hours I've felt as dreadful as I could under the circumstances, and I hate it. I hate her ruining my day. I had everything carefully planned and I know this is all really childish because I should be happy and I'm lucky to have a gran and everything and it's her birthday, but she just is capable of pushing exactly the buttons to piss the hell out of me.

Anyway I'm going to head off to my room and do some more random cleaning and organising, make me do something to keep my mind off of my gran. Off of all the negative things in my life and concentrate on something useful. I have some ideas for my room so I'll have to check them out as well, I think I'm going to replan some of it!

All photos are from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts and photos - flu season and make up bags

I got a fever today, not a high one, but high enough to keep me away from the gym and stuck in bed all day. I can barely breathe, my nose is so stuffed. I hate having these tiny little colds every month, I'm so tired of always being sick and not having the strength to get up and do something. I just want to live a normal unsick life. Although I suppose these days that sort of thing isn't normal at all, everybody's sick with something and nobody can get away from life.

I did go see my psychiatric nurse today, even with the cold. Had to go to the pharmacy and bank too, but that's unimportant. I got a BDI test to do, and it seems I am depressed. It's up to her to define how depressed and up to me to figure out why and how to get rid of it. I don't know why I'm depressed. Not really. I know why I'm sad, but sadness doesn't create suicidal thoughts. I think? I don't know. I wish I could see her tomorrow and ask these things from her, but I have to wait a week. I can of course always call her, but I think that would border on annoying.

This is my first month without school work. Without studying. Without essays or exams or lectures. This is my first month of my sabbatical and I don't really feel much better. I feel a bit empty to be honest, but  I know I couldn't handle studying now. I just couldn't handle having to stress over minute things when I'm struggling with life itself.

I pierced my ear yesterday, made a second hole in my left ear. Now I'm letting it heal. I'm stretching my right earlobe now, but first only a little. Hopefully soon I'll get to change the pin into a bigger one. I know it's a slow process, because we don't want any injuries.

Noticed I have way too much make up for one make up bag. I have like five make up bags all full of things, and that's not even all of my make up. And it's stuff I use every now and again, can't just throw them out. I need to get a bigger make up bag, but don't really know where to look or what to look for! Maybe I should go to one of those manly building stuff stores and buy me a huge box for nails and hammers and use that for make up. Might be even a bit cheaper than getting a big make up box...

Saw my shrink today and Make up of the Day 1

So today I finally got to see the shrink here in Sipoo, which is no easy task I'm sure, but I'm glad they rushed things for me, because now I feel a lot better about life in general.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.

He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.

Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

I lost a friend today, I fear. Not one I'd like to have lost and it was all due to my actions or to be a lot clearer - my inactions.
If I had done something, said something, apologised, I might not have lost them, but I didn't, I couldn't and now I'm here alone without them.


This sums up my feelings at the moment, my highly sedated feelings as I almost got a panic attack due to all of this:

Passenger - Let Her Go

Songwriters: ROSENBERG, MICHAEL DAVID

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Theme Day: Disney randomized and my feelings with it

I feel like smoking. I feel like I really need a fag, but I've promised not to smoke at home and I haven't smoked since I went in to hospital, so I don't really need one physically, I just feel like one. It's kinda like with food. I feel like eating, or I don't, but it has nothing to do with hunger. I may be hungry for hours and still not feel like eating. And sometimes right after eating, I'll feel like eating more. It's weird how the mind and the body are so disconnected yet connected at the same time.

I feel a bit disconnected too. I feel like sleeping but I'm awake. I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed. I am anxious, yet I'm calm. I shake all over, yet I feel fine. My lymph node is big again, but thankfully my dad's painkillers work for it for now. On Friday I need to get something for me. It's not nerve pain now. It's regular pain, just on steroids.
Yet though I know I have to see a doctor because of this, I don't feel like falling down and crying. And yet I constantly feel like falling down and crying. I feel so disconnected from myself, yet I feel like I know myself better because of this. I know what's me and what's not me. But the dreadful part is...it's all just me. I don't have anything else or anyone else in me, it's just all me, and still I don't feel like me. I feel depressed and scared. That's not me, I don't get depressed or scared. 

I actually hope my future psychiatrist will read these, because I suppose it will be a good way of knowing me better - away from my speech, my manners and my smile. I try to smile whenever I can and wherever I am. Though these days it's not that easy and especially with hospitals, doctors, my smile can disappear quickly. And I don't want them to think I'm too positive when I want to kill myself. I don't want to now. I did before, for a long time, I don't now, but then again, I'm taking anti-depressants to keep me happy. So. That's it, I guess. I'm happy.

Behind a Lace Curtain

Today I've been feeling a lot less like myself. Again. A few days in a row. Or more like weeks. I don't feel the world the same way I did before, it feels like I'm watching everything through a curtain and only seeing parts of it. Or I'm in some way only a part of the world and not really in it. Not in any real way.

I don't know why these thoughts bother me so much, because my life hasn't really changed at all since  I got home from hospital and, yeah, life's pretty much routine around here. That should help, right? I know it should. It has before. But now, I don't feel like myself, I don't even feel the world is the same anymore, and I truly do not know why I think this.

I don't notice a difference, only that there must be one for me to feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've already gone through my panic attack pills, 'cause I keep getting them, but I can't get anymore pills so it's either panic attack and hospital (which in itself is enough to make me shiver already), or just try and suck it up or sit in my room for a day hyperventilating. Those are my options. None seems nice for me right now. I don't know what to do.

I should probably call the hospital. I know I should if I feel like this. I just don't want to. I hate hospitals, they freak the living shit out of me. And mental hospitals even more. They're like prisons. You get stripped searched while hyperventilating. It's horrible.
And I don't want to go. And I don't want to bother my dad. So this is it. Suck it up and sit in my room.

My room doesn't even have any curtains. I can't hide anywhere. All the thoughts will always follow me wherever I go. I can't save myself from them, I have to learn to live with them.

Panic attacks and doctors

I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing  you.

Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.

I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.

My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.

Madness

Venting my pain in a picture set.