30 Day Blog Challenge - Days 5 & 6

Again two days at once, because the things for day 5 I'm sure I've talked about before.

Day 5 - A time in your life you thought about ending your life:
Well, I've thought about killing myself more times than I can count, but most of them were less because of depression and more because of apathy and a wish to just see what would happen afterwards. However, last year I was seriously depressed and was *shows with fingers* this close to killing myself.
I didn't. Thanks to my dad being there. And I will forever be grateful for having him in my life, because without him, I would've killed myself ages ago.
My depression is gone now, completely. My anxiety and panic problems aren't, but they are under control.

Day 6 - 30 interesting facts about yourself:
These are probably not going to be very interesting but hey, we'll see!
1. I talk to all animals I see, even seagulls but to those I usually just say something like "Fuck off"
2. I feel very uncomfortable not having a watch on my wrist
3. And my wrist watch was on Canadian time between June and October. Even though I was in Finland.
4. My favourite past time is to watch TV with my dad and do random general trivia quizzes with him (he's so smart!)
5. I'm constantly thinking of ways to rearrange my room and make it more cozy.
6. I smell like my dad and it's horrible.
7. I have the ginger gene.
8. I'm also part Scottish which kinda explains the ginger gene...
9. My favourite game is Trivial Pursuit the GlobeTrotter edition
10. I like being alone but I get really lonely
11. Numbers are important to me, I love numbers
12. I love shopping and getting my nails and hair done, even though I usually look ridiculously unkempt...
13. It takes about a day for me to start missing my fluffball at home
14. My eyes are green but in certain lights they switch between blue, green and copper.
15. I hate ordinary tap water - I need my drinks carbonated.
16. Depending on the clothes I wear and the make up I have I can look between 16 and 30.
17. One of my exs started calling me Frank and it kinda stuck but I've had more nicknames than I want to count
18. I'd rather be called Frank than my real name, cause most people can't pronounce it properly and it irks me so so much.
19. I don't really know who I am
20. My feet are a size EU39/40 depending on the width. I have wide feet.
21. I have a horrible sense of humour.
22. I think every event has a silver lining
23. In my opinion the best parts of my body are my eyes, fingers and toes.
24. I have penpals (snail mail) and I love them!
25. Which kinda explains how much I love getting mail
26. I can't live without cheese. I love cheese.
27. I think Rainbow Cola is the best cola ever
28. Random trivia makes me go all giddy
29. I don't really drink any hot drinks
30. I'm converting to Catholicism

Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Numb

Theme Day: Disney randomized and my feelings with it

I feel like smoking. I feel like I really need a fag, but I've promised not to smoke at home and I haven't smoked since I went in to hospital, so I don't really need one physically, I just feel like one. It's kinda like with food. I feel like eating, or I don't, but it has nothing to do with hunger. I may be hungry for hours and still not feel like eating. And sometimes right after eating, I'll feel like eating more. It's weird how the mind and the body are so disconnected yet connected at the same time.

I feel a bit disconnected too. I feel like sleeping but I'm awake. I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed. I am anxious, yet I'm calm. I shake all over, yet I feel fine. My lymph node is big again, but thankfully my dad's painkillers work for it for now. On Friday I need to get something for me. It's not nerve pain now. It's regular pain, just on steroids.
Yet though I know I have to see a doctor because of this, I don't feel like falling down and crying. And yet I constantly feel like falling down and crying. I feel so disconnected from myself, yet I feel like I know myself better because of this. I know what's me and what's not me. But the dreadful part is...it's all just me. I don't have anything else or anyone else in me, it's just all me, and still I don't feel like me. I feel depressed and scared. That's not me, I don't get depressed or scared. 

I actually hope my future psychiatrist will read these, because I suppose it will be a good way of knowing me better - away from my speech, my manners and my smile. I try to smile whenever I can and wherever I am. Though these days it's not that easy and especially with hospitals, doctors, my smile can disappear quickly. And I don't want them to think I'm too positive when I want to kill myself. I don't want to now. I did before, for a long time, I don't now, but then again, I'm taking anti-depressants to keep me happy. So. That's it, I guess. I'm happy.