So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.
So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.
He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.
I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.
Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.