Today's thoughts: 30 Shreds and Fire

We went to my dad's neurologist's appointment today. I won't tell you anything more about that now, not yet.
I should hear from my shrink's office for days now, but nobody tries to call me. I should get a nurse assigned to me, but nothing's happened yet.

It's been really cold now a couple of days, and today it got so cold that my dad was okay with us starting to heat the wood oven in our kitchen. It warms up the whole house really well, so maybe I turn off my radiator once  it's all warm and cozy in my room.

Haven't been feeling very well the last few days. Today I threw up in the morning, felt really really ill. And no, I can't be pregnant. But still, feeling sick like that is not normal for me, I wonder if all the visits to Porvoo hospital gave me some annoying bug that's now reeking havoc in my system.

I bought some bleach today, should dye my hair again, but that'll have to wait till the weekend when we go to sauna. Without the sauna warming the shower area, it's way too cold to strip and shower there... way way too cold. Like 14 degrees centigrade. In our kitchen it's now a nice 16 degrees. In my room more like 22...I really take heat better these days, I need warmer climates.

I haven't had a panic attack today, haven't felt any anxiousness either, just nausea. I feel worried though, but that's because of my dad's thing.

Got something wonderful in the mail as well today! I ordered Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred from CDON.com last week and have been anxiously waiting for it to come and today I got it. It's a real toughy for me, but I'll try my best to keep up! I'll tell you about my progress as the month goes by. Boy did that first 20 minutes shred me totally, but it felt really good finally doing something again, and twenty minutes aren't that much so I can easily do this every day now!

Also got something to collect from the post office, but that I'll do tomorrow.

Saw my shrink today and Make up of the Day 1

So today I finally got to see the shrink here in Sipoo, which is no easy task I'm sure, but I'm glad they rushed things for me, because now I feel a lot better about life in general.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.

He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.

Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.

Panic attacks and doctors

I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing  you.

Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.

I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.

My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.