Today's thoughts on short hair and photoshoots

I just haven't gotten used to having short hair yet, I keep getting a cold neck and wanting to open my bun and realising I don't have my hair in a bun, I've cut them. I think they look good on most days, maybe make me look a bit more boyish than I like, but nevertheless on a grand scale I quite like them. Just a matter of getting used to not having longer hair. Kind of like when you don't have a wristwatch and you keep  checking the time off of an empty wrist. It's so frustrating, but it's not somehow terrible, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I might have a photoshoot today, might. A photographer should come round and look at our sheds and woods and see if he'd like to have a photoshoot there, but  I don't know if he's only coming to check things out, or if he's prepared to have the photoshoot right then and there. I'm a bit nervous.
Especially since my dad doesn't like the idea one single bit, he's absolutely refused the house and garden to be in photos, so it'll only be sheds and woods for us, which is perfectly fine for me, as I was thinking of those anyways, but I wish he was in a better mood of the whole thing. I think he needs to eat first too...

Anyway the photographer is coming at noon, so we still have plenty of time to get used to the idea.  I hope it all goes well.
I'm a lot nervous actually. I'm kinda afraid he'll want to photograph some of the house and I'll have to deny him from that and I'll get a bad reputation as a model, which is ridiculous loss of self-confidence at this point, but hey, that's me. I have no self-confidence no matter what I sound like or seem like here or in real life. I always have this voice of absolute and incessent insecurity rambling idiotic thoughts in my head.

I've packed a bunch of clothes and make up ready in a bag in a room where my dad doesn't have to meet the guy and Billie can't get in there, so it'll be easier to work around the whole "seeing the house" bit. God I'm so nervous.

My sleep has been a bit of an issue here as well. I'm still not sleeping very well and I take a lot of medicine to try and make me sleep. It's ridiculous. I've already years ago tried everything medical and non-medical and now they're just redoing all the medical stuff, just with bigger doses. I take like  five different meds to help me sleep and that's not counting diazepam which I need when I get really anxious. And I do still get anxiety breakdowns, it's even more ridiculous. Nothing in my life is worth getting anxious about and still I can't shake the feeling of insecurity and fear, plain fear running through my body. And then I start hyperventilating. Thankfully I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite some time now, I'm really happy about that.

All photos are from Tumblr.

And here's a small vlog in Finnish:

Tomorrow I'll see my boyfriend again

I really can't wait anymore. We live a few hundred kilometres away from each other, and since I don't own a car or have any money really, it's quite a hassle for me to get there. And now that he's gotten comfortable with my dad (he was a tad nervous in the beginning to say the least) he's looking forward to coming to us. And I can't wait. I'm going to put completely new linen for a double bed in the guest room, so we won't bother my dad if we have to go downstairs every once in a while. Oh the linen are beautiful, they're white with this beautiful slightly golden damasque print.

He's also  going to spend Christmas with us, so he'll hopefully stay the whole week now that he gets here. I'm a tad worried he'll find himself anxious to get away,  mostly due to his lack of social lust, but  I'm sure, I'm absolutely sure, we can work it out somehow.
He's also promised to cut up some wood, so my dad doesn't have to, and help me with shoveling snow if it suddenly starts snowing like mad.

We're also going to go see his mom and her new husband, they're absolutely wonderful people and I can't wait to give her the Christmas present I've prepared. I'm sure she'll love it, there's no way she'll hate it. And I get to see my boyfriend's niece! She's really tiny, just half a year old. I just cannot wait.
We're going to see my boyfriend's dad too maybe, if he's around. I've never met him yet and I'm sort of nervous, but mostly just curious of what he looks like and is he so much like my boyfriend as everyone keeps telling me. I may also see his new wife, but I don't know yet at all...

 

I'll get to show him my gran too, 'cause he'll stay for Christmas dinner and my mom's mom always comes to eat to us on Christmas eve. We've got a duck prepared for that, I'll get to oven roast a whole duck again, I love that! I love duck. I'm a bit nervous about my gran, 'cause she can be a really annoying person sometimes, and I'm hoping she won't tell her (extremely untrue) heroic tales of her life...