I get to go home!

Well not quite, but I do get to go home for the day, then come back for the night and then again go home for the day. It's amazing for me, I've missed our house and Billie and everything so so much that  I can't even believe it!

But this also means that I won't be posting anything during my stay at home, so if I'm too tired to post something in the evening when I get back here, don't wait for anything  before Monday.

I really hope this works out....since I'm still wearing adult diapers...tmi.

Horrendous and Wonderful Day

My day started just like that - it was horrendous. My stomach ached like mad, everything hurt and I could barely get a word out of  my mouth because I was in such a haze and my mouth so dry and somehow my tongue too big for my mouth, if you know what I mean?

I had the examination called ENMG today, which is to check that my nerves are fine, and thank goodness the doctor was so sweet, because I told him about my stomach problems and that I was actually wearing a diaper, so he only checked the big nerves that he said would get damaged first if any were damaged. And I got a clean bill of health from him, no nerve damage whatsoever.

But my stomach would nnot let it go, and I ended up sleeping till about two pm when my old friend Jessi came with her son to meet me and do some energy healing. She's been practicing and she was amazing. She took away the pain in both my knees and my ankles and we had such a blast together.
We also took some photos, so I'll show them to you in another post!

The Day After Pain

Yesterday evening was dreadful and I cried out of pain for hours on end, but today has been so much better. So so much better.
I had an examination that required quite a bit of preparation, but it went well and took longer than expected, which of course was annoying. My nurses for the day were absolutely lovely, I have no bad word against them - especially my evening nurse is such a bubbly happy personality that I immediately become happy as well.

Tomorrow some of my relatives are coming to visit me, which is amazing, since I see them way too seldom and I love them to pieces (escpecially their little boy whose the smartest kid I've ever met and sure I'm biased but it's still true). Today my godmother came and I missed her so much already and it hadn't even been that long since we last saw each other. I love my family.

Hopefully one day this week my school project team is going to come here and film my part of our video presentation (me acting all drugged up and sick and mumbling words referring to finances, I love being the comic relief).

Next week is going to be hectic. On Monday if all goes well, I'll have a little photoshoot here in the hospital with Mr. Miettinen, who has photographed me before many times and is eager to test these kinds of surroundings. And on Wednesday I'll have my ENMG which is to check if my nerve pathways are healthy or not and if my pain is nerve related or not. Also in the evening an old friend of mine from school might come and help me with some energy healing (she's taken courses and everything), and though I'm sceptic towards things like that, I've been in the hospital now for over a month and I need to keep my mind open and let people help me. At least they can't do any harm, so what would be the point in not trying, right?

Also, eating veggie meals in the hospital is the best thing ever, the meals are just so much better without that crappy meat! I'm loving this lacto-ovo-vegetarianism.

30 Day Challenge - Moment I felt most tatisfied with my life

So this one is tricky - I feel satisfied with my life most of the time. Talking to my dad, cchilling with my mates étc etc. But maybe I ould say saythe day I had my matriculation party I finally became a an adult at that time and it fel amazing - even though my feet hurt since my shoes were a tad too small...


Maybe I should ask you the same question? What is the one event that made you feel satisfied with your life?

Some more lovely visitors

I just have the BEST school mates EVER! They all came to visit me in hospital, and just made my day! I am so lucky to have you guys, honestly!

Last Sunday - a pleasant evening and long night

I've been really muddled here for the last days, I've been in way too much pain to use my computer. Now I've regained control of my right hand, so I can use both for writig, which is amazing.

But, even though my hemoglobin levels were at 67 (realy low), I wsa so happy and excited to see my good friend and fellow blogger Manette from Music and My Mind
She was here at the same time as my dad, and my dad really liked her and I do hope she wasn't too scared of my dad, haha.

My new Converse

Yesterday my dad brought me the package from Boozt.com that was waiting for me in the post office - it had two new pairs of Converse and I am so so happy with these! They came really fast, ordering was simple and hopefully paying will be just as simple, and the size is just perfect!

I bought two pairs (I got greedy) - one pair is dark red and one has the union jack!

Snow, ponds and feeling better

Still in the hospital and probably will be here for quite some time to come, but I feel a hell of a lot better. The cortison helped to take away some of the swelling in my neck and throat - my lymph nodes are a bit swollen still but not a lot anymore and they don't hurt that much anymore. My throat still hurts like a bitch, but at least now (finally) I'm getting actual painkillers. I managed to plead long enough for them to agree to give me oxycodone when I really need it. Which is only about twice a day now, since the swelling has gone down.

I'm getting my antibiotics through the IV but everything else I'll be taking as pills, which is awesome. And I'm allowed to eat now that I can (thanks to the painkillers) and I feel so incredibly happy just to be able to drink a bottle of coke without wanting to die. Before it felt like one gulp could tear my throat in two but now it feels completely normal with just a slight sting. Slight sting. Jesus, one day and this much progress! It's fantastic!

And I'm pretty sure I'll be getting to speak to a psychiatric nurse soonish - I did ask the first day I was here, but it didn't go further, but today during the doctors' rounds, they told me that yes they know and I should get to speak to someone at some point. Which is great, 'cause I've really been feeling quite anxious here. I haven't had the time to see my regular psychologist, so this is already long overdue to speak to someone, so I really can't wait to load things off my chest!

Now that I have the catheter on my neck, I don't need to have an IV in my arm or hand or anywhere, so I can actually use my hands normally again! Which again, fantastic! Hopefully I'll only miss a few days of school next week and not the entire week. I don't know yet though, but all my teachers are fine with this so I'm sure I can deal with the courses even if I end up missing the entire week. Hope not though, we have team projects and I feel bad about not being there.

Also I got a text message from my post office that two shoes that I ordered have arrived! I cannot wait. They're awesome!

Yes, this painkiller might be making me a tad hyper, but hey, I'm almost pain free! So I don't care what's making me hyper, I am happy.

Every day I go out for a walk (and sorry to say also a smoke) and today there's snow on the ground as well! It's really pretty. Aurora hospital, though in Helsinki, is a nice place: right on a hill, old buildings scattered around, small unkempt park with a pretty little pond. Went to see the pond today and it was frozen over!

It's been a good day

Sometimes I feel like maybe this depression is something that doesn't last forever. I haven't done much today, I haven't felt much, but I definitely don't feel hopeless or sad, more like just sane. Normal, ordinary, something calm and happy, I suppose.

I tend to have rather bad mood swings, but today I've been really relaxed and calm, most of the time and have had things to look forward to, with the hair dye and the all the challenges I'm doing. Actually especially with my hair, I'm sort of in happy suspense, because now that I cut it, I have some really healthy happy hair to watch grow! Okay maybe not too healthy since I'm bleaching them like mad, but still, hair growth wohoo!

I'm also looking forward to some things I've ordered online, and hopefully they'll come next week because it's been quite a while already and I'm getting a bit anxious about them. I'll show you guys what they are when I get them!

Also going to see my therapist tomorrow, so we'll see if I can get that shrink's appointment because of my sleeping problems. And I wonder if I should continue on a weekly basis - I probably should - or on a biweekly basis...

Do you have any thoughts regarding that? Have you been to therapy and how long did it last till you felt ready to move on?

I still have this irrational fear of going to hospitals, even though I mostly go voluntarily. And by voluntarily I mean I'm in such pain I can't be out of a hospital anymore, because outside they don't give you the good painkillers, the ones that actually take away the pain. So, I go voluntarily, but I'm still afraid of the place. Really afraid. I hope I can talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

Oh and I'm probably going to punch that septum for me, but before that I've been able to stretch my ears to 4 mm now, yay!


All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts on piercings and failure

I know the title seems a bit harsh and really depressed again, but I'm feeling relatively good right now. I feel like I have something to look forward to and it's keeping me happy and satisfied without having to resort to sedatives or sleeping.

But I do keep failing at basically everything. I can't take good photos anymore, I can't draw anymore, I've never been able to sing, I'm failing in my diet (just had bacon) and thus failing at weight loss and creating actual weight gain, without getting more muscles, and my dad seems so disappointed in me every day. Probably because of the piercings but still. Oh and I fail at hair dye, my head just doesn't want to get really platinum blonde. But I will keep trying.

About piercings, I bought a couple of barbells and a ring so I'll be piercing a bit more of myself in the coming weeks. Not anything harsh, just another earring, nothing big or fancy. I'm terrified of piercing my own septum so I  will definitely NOT be doing that, but will keep to non-cartilidge areas of my body.

Oh and I've managed to have some non-failing progress on my stretching! I've stretched my right earlobe to 4 mm and the left one to 3 mm. Hoping that in a week or so, I can have the left one at 4 mm too, so that I'll be able to stretch them simultaneously rather than one after the other.

My hair dyeing process is keeping me busy too, tomorrow I'll be bleaching it again and see what happens. Probably almost nothing if memory serves right. I tend to not go whiter than piss. Serves me for having the ginger gene I suppose.

I'm also happy about the make up project, because it gives me a reason to take pictures every day and not slack like  with the photography challenge. Which btw will continue today. I hate abbreviations. And I still use them.

Today's Thoughts, Home Attire and Giveaway!

Today me and dad went on a little car ride to get the battery going a bit (it's -16 degrees centigrade here, so the car's not that happy), and so we went both shopping and to the post office. Just a long enough trip to get us two cold and the car warm!
Shopping I got a few magazines and these wonderful fluffy yellow slippers that I've been dying to have, since our floors are cold and I need something warm and fuzzy to keep me happy.

My home attire is just about the most hideous and unflattering thing on the planet. But hey, it's for practical purposes like keeping me warm, not for any fashionable purpose! I'm somewhat warm today, much warmer than before mostly due to better heating and more exercising. I also feel much better about myself because although I did slip off my diet harshly during this winter, I'm back on the wagon now and feel absolutely fantastic! I also don't feel any new sugar cravings and have been able to say no to chocolate and cookies many many times now.

I also cleaned some more today, vacuumed the entire upper floor (one of the upper floors) and feel accomplished. I've done something that benefits our house, it feels good. It feels good not being a lazy bastard every day, but sometimes being a good girl and doing her chores. It just feels so good, it's weird.

Also did some cooking today! It was my turn cooking, my dad's usually the one to stay in the kitchen. We had lentil and bean stew, because we have so many dried lentils and beans at home and we never do anything with them, so I made a nice little curry that I think my father enjoyed a lot more than me. I love actual Indian food, but my curries just never come out right I think. But as a lentil stew it was quite edible.

Experimented with make up too, made some random colour choices and just lathered eyeshadow on to see what happens. Was nicely surprised how well it turned out. It's also a  beautiful day outside, so the lighting indoors has been wonderful as well. Not to mention heating our house has really made an improvement in my attitude towards this winter.

My shrink's dept called finally. Both the nurse and the doc, and I have new dates for next week to go talk to the nurse, so we'll see what happens. If I'll be cured or not. Right now I feel more than good. But every mood I have is like an opposite of the next, it's like tidal waves, come and go with the moon. Maybe it's just my cycle, maybe I'm not even depressed or contemplating suicide, maybe it's just a part of my natural cycle. Like laughing uncontrollably and staying awake for a whole night.

I feel creative again, I took some diazepam and it's been kicking off my creative mood again. I feel like writing and drawing and painting and writing more and drawing more and making paintings and painting makings and throwing all my clothes on the floor and rolling in them like Unca Scrooge in his money or a dog in a pile of leaves. I don't know, I feel very hyperactive. I need more DIY t-shirts but I have nothing to DIY anymore so I can't do anything glittery anymore. I need more glitter in my life.

I should go to bed early today, it would do me a world of good not being awake and not letting this superduperhypermood get the better of me. Good night, farewell and see you tomorrow!


PS. Giveaway from my giveaway page is still up for grabs if anyone's interested!