I get to go home!

Well not quite, but I do get to go home for the day, then come back for the night and then again go home for the day. It's amazing for me, I've missed our house and Billie and everything so so much that  I can't even believe it!

But this also means that I won't be posting anything during my stay at home, so if I'm too tired to post something in the evening when I get back here, don't wait for anything  before Monday.

I really hope this works out....since I'm still wearing adult diapers...tmi.

I need a change...

...in my bedroom. It's not simple, it's cramped and like a maze. It isn't the easiest of room plans either so I need to carefully consider how I'll change it, but H has promised to help me with her boyfriend if possible, so maybe I'll get this done.
Here's part 1 of inspiration, part 2 will be about colours and patterns.

Today's Thoughts, Home Attire and Giveaway!

Today me and dad went on a little car ride to get the battery going a bit (it's -16 degrees centigrade here, so the car's not that happy), and so we went both shopping and to the post office. Just a long enough trip to get us two cold and the car warm!
Shopping I got a few magazines and these wonderful fluffy yellow slippers that I've been dying to have, since our floors are cold and I need something warm and fuzzy to keep me happy.

My home attire is just about the most hideous and unflattering thing on the planet. But hey, it's for practical purposes like keeping me warm, not for any fashionable purpose! I'm somewhat warm today, much warmer than before mostly due to better heating and more exercising. I also feel much better about myself because although I did slip off my diet harshly during this winter, I'm back on the wagon now and feel absolutely fantastic! I also don't feel any new sugar cravings and have been able to say no to chocolate and cookies many many times now.

I also cleaned some more today, vacuumed the entire upper floor (one of the upper floors) and feel accomplished. I've done something that benefits our house, it feels good. It feels good not being a lazy bastard every day, but sometimes being a good girl and doing her chores. It just feels so good, it's weird.

Also did some cooking today! It was my turn cooking, my dad's usually the one to stay in the kitchen. We had lentil and bean stew, because we have so many dried lentils and beans at home and we never do anything with them, so I made a nice little curry that I think my father enjoyed a lot more than me. I love actual Indian food, but my curries just never come out right I think. But as a lentil stew it was quite edible.

Experimented with make up too, made some random colour choices and just lathered eyeshadow on to see what happens. Was nicely surprised how well it turned out. It's also a  beautiful day outside, so the lighting indoors has been wonderful as well. Not to mention heating our house has really made an improvement in my attitude towards this winter.

My shrink's dept called finally. Both the nurse and the doc, and I have new dates for next week to go talk to the nurse, so we'll see what happens. If I'll be cured or not. Right now I feel more than good. But every mood I have is like an opposite of the next, it's like tidal waves, come and go with the moon. Maybe it's just my cycle, maybe I'm not even depressed or contemplating suicide, maybe it's just a part of my natural cycle. Like laughing uncontrollably and staying awake for a whole night.

I feel creative again, I took some diazepam and it's been kicking off my creative mood again. I feel like writing and drawing and painting and writing more and drawing more and making paintings and painting makings and throwing all my clothes on the floor and rolling in them like Unca Scrooge in his money or a dog in a pile of leaves. I don't know, I feel very hyperactive. I need more DIY t-shirts but I have nothing to DIY anymore so I can't do anything glittery anymore. I need more glitter in my life.

I should go to bed early today, it would do me a world of good not being awake and not letting this superduperhypermood get the better of me. Good night, farewell and see you tomorrow!


PS. Giveaway from my giveaway page is still up for grabs if anyone's interested!

Indoor Equipment

It's seriously freezing in our house.

Photos XXVIII: Foxes are loveable! Oh and I'm home again!

It seems as though many people when seeing pictures of foxes in Finland go immediately to the barking mode. Have to call them sick, unhealthy, dangerous, have mange, shouldn't be allowed near people. Why on earth not? A fox is about the size of a big big house cat. What's so dangerous about it? Not to mention most of the pictures I have seen in the news of foxes have had beautiful thick coats of red and black, nothing to be seen of mange. The reason they come to humans is food.
If there was enough food for them in the wild, and enough shelter, they wouldn't have to come to humans, it's not like they're tamed. So get your asses up your couches and start looking at ways to help the foxes rather than want to shoot them from your windows!

I like foxes. All foxes.

Also, I just got home from hospital today, and am feeling very lucky to have such an amazing home, but I feel so so cold, since it is actually really cold in our house and I feel I need to wear outerwear indoors, it's horrible. I wish I had the coat of a polar fox, but I suppose they feel cold as well. I do have a fur coat, but it's a bit too fancy to wear just to watch the Simpsons....

Anyway, tomorrow we're planning on going down to Gigantti to look at phones for me, so that maybe I get that Lumia for Christmas or my birthday which is also coming up. It'll be about three hundred euros, but thankfully I really need a phone to phone people, so I'm allowed to have something so expensive. Also the bed, I'm getting the bed. It's supposed to arrive in a week or so, and I can't wait.
I've already done so much work in our bedrooms (because the switch is sort of still on-going, we haven't switched bedrooms completely yet, like all our stuff and that sort of thing). I feel really tired, and I'm going to feel even more so, but I haven't had a bad pain spike tonight, so I'm really hopeful that I won't get a panic attack. Maybe, and this is just me being hopeful, having diazepam in the house will also calm me down enough to not get one in the first place. Wishful thinking.
Oh and I've eaten waaaaay to much today as well, so no list. I hope to fix this problem for tomorrow.

But back to foxes:

Day XIV: Depression can really hit you

I never thought I'd be on anti-depressants. I never even thought I was ever depressed, although to be honest, even now I'm not getting anti-depressants because of depression. I'm getting them for anxiety. I have anxiety issues, getting the panic attacks and not being able to end them. The anti-depressants are there to help me not to get that many panic attacks and keep them lighter, so I'd be able to maybe stop them. I'm also getting sedatives in the evening, so I won't wake up in the middle of the night knowing I'm in hospital and getting an immediate panic attack.

Which is what has happened a few times, I can tell you, my goodness. It's quite clear that my issue is nowhere near as bad as some people's, I'm not that depressed, not that anxious, but it's all subjective. For me, this is really difficult, because I'm used to just going through my life, which hasn't been an easy one, and just letting it flow. I've gone with the flow, if I can use a cliche here. But it's clearly taken it's toll, now I want to have these meds. Now I want to see a shrink. Yes, still going to call them shrinks.

I'm sort of afraid that when I get home now, that all this will continue. That I'll still get panic attacks, like I did in the summer. I don't want to, they're horrible and they make me really afraid of what will happen if I just keep having them. Because I've been in a panic attack for almost eight hours at the worst, and it's really really horrible hyperventilating for eight straight hours. Those were in hospitals though, thankfully, at home they never lasted that long, I got to take enough meds to keep me calm enough, but not anymore.

I don't really know what medication and in what doses I'm going to get home. I know I'm getting Cipralex, the anti-depressant, and Zyprexa, the sedative, but in what doses and what times and whatwhowherewhathow? Also I'm getting Neurontin in some doses to take at home, but I don't know yet about that either. It's too early to tell. I also don't know what kind of a shrink I'll see after this and that scares the living shit out of me, because I hate shrinks. I hate the look I usually get, that really condescending look, that makes you want to just yell you're better than they are and storm out. I've been lucky here in hospital, the shrink and the nurse are both lovely, just wonderful people, and I feel comfortable talking to them. I hope I'll get someone like that afterwards too. Someone I can talk to. Otherwise I'll have to ask for another, and there may be no other and what will I do then?
Scared I am, as Yoda might put it. Anxious. I'll get on Saturday if all goes well. Completely discharged. It's a fantastic thing, I've been in hospitals for three weeks now, it's getting really tiresome. I miss home. I really relaly want to go home. But at the same time - scared. Because of what if I get pains, what if I get panics, I don't know what to do.

I hope I will find out. And I will have my dad there all the time, so that will help me a lot. It will really keep me going more than this sitting around alone for most of the day in a room trying to write essays for teachers.