Horrendous and Wonderful Day

My day started just like that - it was horrendous. My stomach ached like mad, everything hurt and I could barely get a word out of  my mouth because I was in such a haze and my mouth so dry and somehow my tongue too big for my mouth, if you know what I mean?

I had the examination called ENMG today, which is to check that my nerves are fine, and thank goodness the doctor was so sweet, because I told him about my stomach problems and that I was actually wearing a diaper, so he only checked the big nerves that he said would get damaged first if any were damaged. And I got a clean bill of health from him, no nerve damage whatsoever.

But my stomach would nnot let it go, and I ended up sleeping till about two pm when my old friend Jessi came with her son to meet me and do some energy healing. She's been practicing and she was amazing. She took away the pain in both my knees and my ankles and we had such a blast together.
We also took some photos, so I'll show them to you in another post!

I ♥ Lights

I've always been a fan of good lighting, and I'm an avid fan of choosing different types of lighting for different types of rooms: for example very cold clear, almost natural sunlight kind of light for the bathroom so you see all your flaws (easier to cover them up) and then more warm tones of light in the living room where the ambiance should be relaxed, rather than energetic.
But here you have some beautiful lights from Tumblr:

Some good and bad news - maybe?

Yesterday was a really hectic day. I knew I had a school thing to do and had calculated that everything would be done here in the hospital by noon so I'd have three hours to write the thing. Yeah never gonna happen! I was shipped from one examination to another so that by the time I started writing, I only had twenty minutes time.

I thought, no problem, shouldn't be too difficul, but by the time it was almost three pm, my doctor came into the room and told me the good news - they had gotten the results of the PET scan and it had shown something that might explain why I suddenly have all of these blood clots everywhere.

'However, the bad news is that what they saw in the PPET was an abnormality in my small intestinesm which could mean that my PTLD might have come back, It could also mean a variety of other things, including a copletely different cancer, or who knows what,They need to take a biopsy to make sure what it actually is, but right now they don't know what would be the best way to get the biopsy, since it's deeper in my small intestines than what my PTLD was. They also don't know when they're going to do to the biopsy.

I'm actually quite scared now. If it's PTLD, no worries, I might stil not need chemo and the Rituximab will be enough to treat it, but when my mom had her first ovarian cancer, it sstarted with blood clots all over her legs, and I'm really scared that I might have some other type of cancer now and will need chemo and everything. Then again, it could also just be a small wound that's bleeding...

I'm scared that I might die young. I'm scare that I might die. The only thing keeping me poisitive is the fact that they don't know what it is until they have done the biopsy.
Plus all my amazing friends and family who've supported me so much during this time, I love you guys and my dad to pieces, never forget that!

The Day After Pain

Yesterday evening was dreadful and I cried out of pain for hours on end, but today has been so much better. So so much better.
I had an examination that required quite a bit of preparation, but it went well and took longer than expected, which of course was annoying. My nurses for the day were absolutely lovely, I have no bad word against them - especially my evening nurse is such a bubbly happy personality that I immediately become happy as well.

Tomorrow some of my relatives are coming to visit me, which is amazing, since I see them way too seldom and I love them to pieces (escpecially their little boy whose the smartest kid I've ever met and sure I'm biased but it's still true). Today my godmother came and I missed her so much already and it hadn't even been that long since we last saw each other. I love my family.

Hopefully one day this week my school project team is going to come here and film my part of our video presentation (me acting all drugged up and sick and mumbling words referring to finances, I love being the comic relief).

Next week is going to be hectic. On Monday if all goes well, I'll have a little photoshoot here in the hospital with Mr. Miettinen, who has photographed me before many times and is eager to test these kinds of surroundings. And on Wednesday I'll have my ENMG which is to check if my nerve pathways are healthy or not and if my pain is nerve related or not. Also in the evening an old friend of mine from school might come and help me with some energy healing (she's taken courses and everything), and though I'm sceptic towards things like that, I've been in the hospital now for over a month and I need to keep my mind open and let people help me. At least they can't do any harm, so what would be the point in not trying, right?

Also, eating veggie meals in the hospital is the best thing ever, the meals are just so much better without that crappy meat! I'm loving this lacto-ovo-vegetarianism.

Inspiration for my new diet

When I get out of the hospital that is. And it won't be a diet in the sense that I'll stop it at some point, it will last as long as I am too poor to afford ethical meat. (In my mind ethical, doesn't need to conform to your views of ethics). Except for that one Christmas duck. That is a tradition I won't give up. Otherwise me and my dad will have no traditions at all. Just the Christmas datura plants, which is already sad enough, since they don't look their best during the holiday season.

30 Day Challenge - Future, first love and music!

So today I'm writing 3 days worth of answers, since I just feel like doing that, and I don't have much to say about any of the three questions.

Day 9 - How you hope your future will be like
I think I already kind of answered this question earlier, right? But hey, I want it to be to happy, filled with family and friends and I hope I'll be healthy Of course I also hope I'll own a nice house with loads of land surrounding it and have enough money to support all of that plus have extra to buy nice stuff.

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss
Well, I was 15 years old and so was he, it was really intense, we talked to each other non-stop all day long. We texted during school and then chatted online when we were home and then called each other every night: we were both under blankets so no one would hear we were talking to each other..And a 300 euro phone bill kinda proves how intense it was....I really loved him and I miss him every single day. I wish things hadn't ended the way they did, but at the same time I know it was his only way out.
My first kiss, however, was nothing special, I can't even remember who it was since it was in kindergarten.

Day 11 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
My iPod has been offline for so long that the battery is dead, so I can't really do that, but I'll write just FIVE  random songs here:
Rammstein - Los
Abney Park - Katyusha
Mozart - Eine kleine Nachtmusik
X Japan - Kurenai
Bring Me the Horizon - deathbeds

Some more lovely visitors

I just have the BEST school mates EVER! They all came to visit me in hospital, and just made my day! I am so lucky to have you guys, honestly!

30 Day Blog Challenge - On Being Single

Heya, found this interesting 30 day challenge on Pinterest and thought I might try it out. It's just a 30 day post challenge, so a topic for each day and do one blog post on that said topic. I might not do one every day, but I will go according to the list.

So I'll start with Day 1:
I am single, so will have to discuss that. I've been single for a while now, I tend to have really short relationships if that, and though I really do like being with someone special, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So if I don't honestly think I could survive with someone indefinitely I don't even bother starting something up; I don't think it's fair for anyone.

Anyway, I like being single. Sure it gets a tad lonely sometimes listening to all these taken people talk about their happy relationships, but no, I'm not alone. I would probably feel lonely in a relationship as well. At least at times. And okay, I don't get to hug and kiss and cuddle and whatnot with anyone, but that's mostly fine. If I feel really desperate for affection I have a big teddy bear at home willing to hug me. Sure she's a dog, but still. Warm+fuzzy+enormous = good hug.

Fine it's not as good as from a guy/girl you love, but it's enough for desperation at least!

I've been single for most of my life, so I've gotten extremely used to it. It gives a level of freedom, I wouldn't have in a relationship. Not that I couldn't deal with that, I don't need to go out and flirt with anyone, but still, it is a plus for being single. I don't need to make time for anyone, I don't need to move in with anyone (I can stay in my lovely house and enjoy my quiet alone time) and I don't need to feel guilty about having a bad day or landing in hospital - because I don't want to hurt anyone I love so having to tell something like that to a loved one is for me pretty painful.

And to be honest, I really do need my quiet alone time. Just because I'm really social and these days mostly an extravert, doesn't mean I want to spend my entire life in the company of others. Ooooh no.
Which is why I'd be perfectly content (at least for a while) in a long distance relationship. Sadly people these days don't seem to value the deep emotional connection you get with someone, if you are away from them for longer. People just want everything RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING. It's very frustrating, how are people these days to impatient that they can't wait like three months for someone? What about a year? Ooh no. It's weird in my opinion. If you love someone, you love them no matter what distance.

Yeah, I really do like being single. And I'd like being in a relationship just as much. I'm just not in a relationship. It's one those things - when you're single, you think how lovely it would be to be with someone and when you're with someone, you think how lovely it would be to be single. I don't really care either way. I'm not deprived of love in my life and I love plenty of people. Just not in a romantic way. Besides, it's kinda uncomfortable telling my dad I have a boyfriend and he's coming over (especially 'cause none of my boyfriends have been exactly "normal") so it's quite a bit easier to just not date anyone and be happy. And I am. Quite happy with my life.


......but I'd still like to meet someone wonderful, some nice guy who smiles a lot and is a geek and gets my brand of craziness.

Finally some Canada!

Alright, I am so sorry this has taken so horribly long, but here it is, some of my photo memories from my time in Toronto. I was in Canada during June (Toronto for nearly two weeks, and a small weird pit stop kinda thing in Montreal).

I had an amazing time. My hostel was beautiful and so much fun, the people were so friendly, I made friends who I can't wait to see again. I spent most of my time hanging out in tourist spots and at the hostel, but I went partying almost every night and met the loveliest people - I fell in love. I absolutely fell in love and if I can, I'll move there for my exchange and work placement. Toronto was fantastic!
Montreal, not so much. Not even close.