Day One of Making Sh*t Happen

Alright.

Now.

I

have

had

enough.

For the past year I've been doing really really badly, I've been depressed and panicky and anxious and gaining massive amounts of weight, wanting to die and just plain giving up. Not anymore, just no, it's no use anyway. I won't kill myself. So I should really make this life something nice enough to enjoy so I won't feel bad all the time, right?

Finally, now I started school again, I've been going to the gym. Well not for the past week, I had guests and seriously no time, but I did walk a lot. Next week again, I promise. It's a lot of fun, I've always liked going to the gym. Let's face it, it's nice to feel sore muscles. The sweating not so much, but I like being sore.

On Friday I finally started eating healthy, I threw all the crap into a box and I'm not gonna touch it. It's mostly chocolates so they'll keep well anyway, I don't need to worry about stuff getting bad. So now I have plenty of really healthy stuff, and I've been keeping a book again because even though it's all obsessive, it's the only way I can keep myself from overeating. And I mean way overeating, like thousands of calories overeating. Not like 20. I don't care about 20. I care about the tub of ice cream I could eat. So, I keep track of everything I eat, so I know it's been nutrious and healthy, and still filling enough to keep me full without having loads of empty calories. And I feel really motivated, so I know this'll hold. Once I get to this feeling, I know it won't go away for quite some time.
I also bought a beautiful skirt from a friend, and it's like 6 sizes too small so yeah, weight loss needed! (Oh and I am way over weight. Not just a bit, but a serious amount that's really really not healthy).

Also, I've been doing really badly with school lately, it's just been way too much and I've had no energy whatsoever. To be honest, I'm not awake until I've slept 9 hours. Right now, I get to sleep about three to five hours every night. I honestly thank God when I can sleep till 7 am. Not kidding. One hour more and it's like heaven.
But hopefully with eating better and exercising, I might actually get some much needed energy, so I won't get sick all the time. And since I obviously suck in Russian, I really need to do my homework. Otherwise I will not get a good grade and I very much need a good grade from languages, 'cause I'm so scared of all these business classes which are all new information to me. Never had to think about market segmentation before.

Oh and just because I'm all motivated and happy and stuff, does not mean I don't fall into despair every now and again. *cough*everynight*cough*
But. I will Homer worry about that.

Today's thoughts on getting back on track with weight loss!

So in the past few months I've let myself go completely and have gained weight rather than lost it (and no, it's not muscle, I assure you). But last night I got a terrible urge to lift weights again, so I started again with my workout routine.
It changes every day and since I have no gym nearby, I do everything at home. You may laugh, since I only have 5 kg dumbbells and a 16 kg kettleball (which is really nothing if you really wanna train) but it's sufficed thus far. Not to mention my muscles are so weak now, I can barely lift the 16 kg one. So I only use it for deadlifting rather than anything else.

I'm back on Fitocracy too again and now I levelled up onto level 20! Which is super duper exciting! Sadly the whole page is a bit glitchy so I can't see anything of my feed or anyone else's, just track my own workouts. Thankfully at least that!
I've also gone online to check for more workouts and routines and exercises so that I have some variety in what I do. Also I seem to be in a relatively good condition regardless of my laziness because all the "beginner" exercise plans are just really lame. It's like 10 crunches and 10 this and that. Jesus, I do like 60 in one go. And yes, I do do them correctly, I just don't feel like I've done anything after just 10.

My only problem with all of this is that I really like lifting weights, but I absolutely hate cardio. I just can't stand cardio exercises, mostly because of the immediate outbreak of sweat that comes with it. I hate sweating and I sweat really really really easily. But hey, I suppose it's the price to pay for a good lean body.

I'm also thinking of making my whole diet different and actually looking up on nutrients and where to get them best. Usually my dad cooks and let's just say his diet isn't the best in the world, so making myself eat clean and fresh is a tad difficult with a baconloving father. He's thin though, great metabolism. But I have managed to switch from eating junk snacks into eating healthier snacks like carrots and bell peppers with some cream cheese, so I don't eat chocolate everytime I crave something to eat.
Because let's face it. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I don't really get hungry however long I stay without eating. So I need to regulate my meal times and it's not easy since I usually forget to eat and then I get cravings for random stuff. I'm kinda like a bulimic who doesn't throw up. And yes there is such a thing.

I'd love to find a good PDF file online that talks about nutrition but it seems I'll have to buy an actual book to find anything out. I hate reading stuff online, so I prefer having them as paper.

Now to talk about my problem areas. Okay, I'm fat, so all of my body is a problem area, but nevermind that now. I'm talking about muscles. My arms are so and so, my stomach muscles are surprisingly good, but my leg muscles are absolutely crap. I can barely do squats and god knows about my lunges. I have to hold onto something while doing them 'cause I shudder so much that I lose my balance! I also have huge amounts of scars and cellulite which would be lovely to get rid of. Thankfully I have none of that hard fat in my stomach so I'm basically a healthy fatty but I'm really wibblywobbly. All my fat is under the skin and it looks dreadful.

Last year I was down to about 60 kg. Now I'm almost back at 80. Which is horrible, absolutely horrible. I need to step up and really take control of my life. I should also go jogging which I hate, I prefer running on a treadmill but the nearest treadmill is five kilometres away.

Day VII: I wonder about videos and tea

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour, around sevenish, which make me rather glad, because at that point I wasn't deep in sleep anymore and did remember quite clearly that I was in hospital (I've been waking a few times now not remembering and directly getting a panic attack as a result).
I weighed myself and realised I had gained almost a kilo back, but that's nothing to worry about. It'll go down in a few days again, it's not like I've eaten more. Nothing's just come out yet (yes yes tmi).

I feel like today I should put some make up on. I feel like being pretty today. Actually I feel quite pretty right now anyways, I don't feel hideous in any way. Actually mostly when I'm sick I feel like I'm at my prettiest. Not because of the white skin, or the really dark circles under my eyes, but the fact that I look so relaxed. Then again, I am on high doses of painkillers and I tend to get tranquillisers as well when I panic, so no wonder I look relaxed. My skin also looks cleaner in hospitals. Maybe it's the fact that there's no street dust inside and good air conditioning. I mean, it's not like I ever do anything to my skin to make it look good.

Yes, I will put on make up today. I will also take pictures of it, and I thought about making a little video.
Just a short introductory one, telling who I am and what's been happening to me. Five minutes or so. Put it on here and on Youtube and we'll see what happens. No one will watch it of course, but I feel like talking to a camera right now.
You'll also get to hear my accent! Decide if it's still very Finnish or not ;)

But all that I'll do after my doctor's have visited me, since I think they'd laugh at me if they knew my plans. And since I got some bad news yesterday, I don't feel like looking happy in front of them. Or making them laugh. Even though I really do like them.

Here's some pictures of tea:

I REALLY want one of these!! It's a Tea-Rex!

So true