Day VII: Food and Medicine and Weight

I screwed up something with these posts, I think I missed a day or something. I have no idea. But it doesn't really make much of a difference so I'm just going to continue from day 7 and not care if I screwed up! K? 

Food diary
Breakfast: 2 dl berry yoghurt 120 kcal
Lunch: 4 tblsp mushed broccoli-chicken curry 200 kcal
           4 tblsp berry compote with no berries 200 kcal
Dinner: 1,5 dl mushed soup 300 kcal
            1 dl whipped porridge 100 kcal
            0,8 dl apple juice 80 kcal
            2 dl berry soup 150 kcal
Alltogether: 1190 kcal?

Medicine diary
Regulars
14 g Colonsoft x2
6 mg Oxanest IM every four hours
10 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex


Exercise

Again to the cafeteria and back.

 Because I only just started using the Colonsoft medication again (opiates tend to cause horrible indigestion) so my weight has been going up though I clearly eat too little for me to be gaining anything .- water or fat. I know most of the weight that leaves my body at this point is water and the rest is muscle, but I don't really have all that many muscles in the first place, so there's some fat going as well...

Day VII: Photoshoot with ex a few days ago

My wonderful ex came to see me all the way from Savonlinna this weekend and took some pictures of me, thought I'd share them with you. He'll be back hopefully next weekend to come and visit again.

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.

Day VII: Medical updates and news

So, the biopsy results from my enteroscopy in September finally came a day ago. They showed that I still had some abnormal cell growth, aka cancer, but that the samples were too small or degraded or something not to give an ambiguous result, so now I am going to have another CT scan (computer tomography for those who don't know, it's like an x-ray just better and uses iodinebased contrasting agent) and a new enteroscopy (it's a procedure where they go through your entire digestive tract with a tube, camera and a biopsy snapper). Thankfully the enteroscopy is done under anesthesia, so that's no problem.

I will have to get a new IV done though, because both procedures require one, but thankfully my doctor already promised that I'm allowed to be really sedated before they try to put the IV, since I tend to have panic attacks when they don't find a vein. And they never find a vein, I have such crappy veins it's not even possible hitting them the first time round. So yeah, sedation. Tranquillisers.

Also some paindoctorperson is going to think about the painkillers I'm using, since they don't like me getting injected all the time. The pills don't seem to work and there are no opiate patches with oxycodone, just phentanyl and I hate phentanyl, so...yeah, we'll see what they come up with.

And I'm going to see a shrink in about half an hour. Because I wanted to see one. Because of a reason I can't remember anymore.

Also this all probably means I won't be getting out of hospital for quite some time to come, but thankfully I've managed to clear things up with a couple of teachers....I'm just really nervous about the rest. Because I'd really like to FINALLY get my BA out so I can start concentrating on other things. Like doing smething worthwhile.

I also bought this t-shirt last night just for the fun of it:

Day VII: I wonder about videos and tea

Today I woke up at a reasonable hour, around sevenish, which make me rather glad, because at that point I wasn't deep in sleep anymore and did remember quite clearly that I was in hospital (I've been waking a few times now not remembering and directly getting a panic attack as a result).
I weighed myself and realised I had gained almost a kilo back, but that's nothing to worry about. It'll go down in a few days again, it's not like I've eaten more. Nothing's just come out yet (yes yes tmi).

I feel like today I should put some make up on. I feel like being pretty today. Actually I feel quite pretty right now anyways, I don't feel hideous in any way. Actually mostly when I'm sick I feel like I'm at my prettiest. Not because of the white skin, or the really dark circles under my eyes, but the fact that I look so relaxed. Then again, I am on high doses of painkillers and I tend to get tranquillisers as well when I panic, so no wonder I look relaxed. My skin also looks cleaner in hospitals. Maybe it's the fact that there's no street dust inside and good air conditioning. I mean, it's not like I ever do anything to my skin to make it look good.

Yes, I will put on make up today. I will also take pictures of it, and I thought about making a little video.
Just a short introductory one, telling who I am and what's been happening to me. Five minutes or so. Put it on here and on Youtube and we'll see what happens. No one will watch it of course, but I feel like talking to a camera right now.
You'll also get to hear my accent! Decide if it's still very Finnish or not ;)

But all that I'll do after my doctor's have visited me, since I think they'd laugh at me if they knew my plans. And since I got some bad news yesterday, I don't feel like looking happy in front of them. Or making them laugh. Even though I really do like them.

Here's some pictures of tea:

I REALLY want one of these!! It's a Tea-Rex!

So true