Today's thoughts and make up

It was a long day today, and yesterday. My dad underwent his ENMG (a painful thing, I can tell ya) and today I had my lab tests (23 viles of blood, 23!). I had to call the shrink yesterday 'cause I've been forgetting stuff lately and forgot to get more meds, and didn't have any on my prescription, so I had to call and ask them to refill and oh what a mess that was. And twentythree viles of blood really took it out of me, I slept like a baby for two hours afterwards.
Then again, I woke up at four am again unable to fall asleep again. So no wonder I was tired.

Don't let my smiling face fool you in this post. I have learned a long time ago how to smile away pain.

I've been feeling worse again. Not really suicidal, not really panicking, but something inbetween, I feel a heavy load on my chest and I don't know why. I have nothing to stress me, at least nothing that I notice, but I notice being stressed, I feel anxious all the time, except a few hours after taking my meds. My meds help, I just wish I didn't have to take them to be normal. I used to be so normal, so happy. I'm still happy at times, and today I got a lot done too, I cleaned my room and organised my t-shirts and everything, and still I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in half a year. A real winter's rest. Hibernation. Something like that.

I think my sedatives are making me cold too, I feel it more easily after taking them, and now it's really cold outside. And inside, we don't really heat anything even in the winter and I'm freezing. I feel so so cold.

I've been neglecting my diet too, keep eating like a pig and moving too little, I keep gaining weight rather than losing it. Thankfully in a few days I should get a package from CDON that might help me get to my goals. Finally.

I have been able to stick to my 30 day no sugar challenge though with a few minor misses, I drank a few hot chocolates, but other than that, I haven't strayed and I feel a bit better because of it. It feels nice being able to stop myself from eating a whole bar of chocolate, not because I'm hungry but because I just really need to.

Did some DIYs again, with my t-shirts, should take photos of them all, and the things I've bought but haven't showed anyone yet. I have some really nice things I haven't even worn yet. I wish summer was here so I could wear all of them! And show them, instead I'm sitting here with two cardigans and a woolly pullover freezing my ass off. Oh well.

My make up today decided to go to something  I rarely do - a smokey eye make up. I have really heavy lidded eyes and so I tend to steer away from really dark make up, but today I felt like experimenting. Eyeshadows are Geek Chic Cosmetics You Know Who and Madness.


  1. ohje, hört sich ja nid so dolle bei dir an :/ alles gute weiterhin!
    zum make up, schätzchen! deine lider sind doch geradezu perfekt um viel auszuprobieren :33 zumal dunklere farben doch alles minimieren, wenn dich die (nennt man das wirklich größe?) größe der lider stört? :0
    nur so ein kleiner tipp ^^
    ich mag das make up wirklich sher, ist dir super gelungen :D und kopfhoch!

    1. Danke vielmals <3 dass macht mich schon fröhlicher wenn jemanden denkt ich habe etwas gut gemacht :33 danke dir <3 und danke fürs tip! Ich habe schon immer gewundert wieso alle tun hellere farben unter augenbrauen weil bei mir sieht das total dumm aus! :D

  2. Ich finde das make-up auch toll! *__* Passt auch wunderbar zu deiner Haarfarbe! :D

    I can really relate to your feelings, though I don't feel as bad as you. That anxiety, and you just can't really tell what it is... I think it's even worse than when you can really point down what makes you worry. I think it's important that you find something to do that can occupy your thoughts! Like you already did by cleaning up your wardrobe, or just putting on some make up for trying.
    I really hope you feel better soon ♥ I can understand that it must be weird to have to take meds to feel "normal" but just look at it that way... at least you have the meds... have access to them, and they do help you! And maybe in time you will be able to work it out and live without them! :)

    As for the make up, you can definitely be more daring! You have a really beautiful shape of eyes, lids and brows. You could take the color way up above the crease and it would look really cool :3 As for the highlightind under the brow, you could for example only put a tiny bit of matte, white (no shiny or sparkling!) eyeshadow under the highest point of your brow and blend it with the rest, not more than that. I just do it because I have almost no crease and 'lifting' that point below the brows helps make my eyes look more... well, normal XD

    1. Yeah I agree, it is better feeling anxious about something you can't pin point, because then it's sort of mellowed out, it's not as strong. And yeah I am really lucky and really happy that I have access to the meds, I'd be an absolute mess without them. It's weird having to do something 'abnormal' to be 'normal' but hey, that's life in all its absurdity, I guess :D

      And thank you, I'll try my best to do some more daring make up looks :) I'm a bit of a beginner in these things (I rarely use make up and even then it's a dab of concealer) so I have to ease my way into it!
      But yeah the browlifting thing doesn't really work for me, it doesn't lift it, the highlighting colour more like makes it fall on my eyelid and then you can only see brow and more brow :DDD