30 Day Blog Challenge - On Being Single

Heya, found this interesting 30 day challenge on Pinterest and thought I might try it out. It's just a 30 day post challenge, so a topic for each day and do one blog post on that said topic. I might not do one every day, but I will go according to the list.

So I'll start with Day 1:
I am single, so will have to discuss that. I've been single for a while now, I tend to have really short relationships if that, and though I really do like being with someone special, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So if I don't honestly think I could survive with someone indefinitely I don't even bother starting something up; I don't think it's fair for anyone.

Anyway, I like being single. Sure it gets a tad lonely sometimes listening to all these taken people talk about their happy relationships, but no, I'm not alone. I would probably feel lonely in a relationship as well. At least at times. And okay, I don't get to hug and kiss and cuddle and whatnot with anyone, but that's mostly fine. If I feel really desperate for affection I have a big teddy bear at home willing to hug me. Sure she's a dog, but still. Warm+fuzzy+enormous = good hug.

Fine it's not as good as from a guy/girl you love, but it's enough for desperation at least!

I've been single for most of my life, so I've gotten extremely used to it. It gives a level of freedom, I wouldn't have in a relationship. Not that I couldn't deal with that, I don't need to go out and flirt with anyone, but still, it is a plus for being single. I don't need to make time for anyone, I don't need to move in with anyone (I can stay in my lovely house and enjoy my quiet alone time) and I don't need to feel guilty about having a bad day or landing in hospital - because I don't want to hurt anyone I love so having to tell something like that to a loved one is for me pretty painful.

And to be honest, I really do need my quiet alone time. Just because I'm really social and these days mostly an extravert, doesn't mean I want to spend my entire life in the company of others. Ooooh no.
Which is why I'd be perfectly content (at least for a while) in a long distance relationship. Sadly people these days don't seem to value the deep emotional connection you get with someone, if you are away from them for longer. People just want everything RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING. It's very frustrating, how are people these days to impatient that they can't wait like three months for someone? What about a year? Ooh no. It's weird in my opinion. If you love someone, you love them no matter what distance.

Yeah, I really do like being single. And I'd like being in a relationship just as much. I'm just not in a relationship. It's one those things - when you're single, you think how lovely it would be to be with someone and when you're with someone, you think how lovely it would be to be single. I don't really care either way. I'm not deprived of love in my life and I love plenty of people. Just not in a romantic way. Besides, it's kinda uncomfortable telling my dad I have a boyfriend and he's coming over (especially 'cause none of my boyfriends have been exactly "normal") so it's quite a bit easier to just not date anyone and be happy. And I am. Quite happy with my life.


......but I'd still like to meet someone wonderful, some nice guy who smiles a lot and is a geek and gets my brand of craziness.

It's been a good day

Sometimes I feel like maybe this depression is something that doesn't last forever. I haven't done much today, I haven't felt much, but I definitely don't feel hopeless or sad, more like just sane. Normal, ordinary, something calm and happy, I suppose.

I tend to have rather bad mood swings, but today I've been really relaxed and calm, most of the time and have had things to look forward to, with the hair dye and the all the challenges I'm doing. Actually especially with my hair, I'm sort of in happy suspense, because now that I cut it, I have some really healthy happy hair to watch grow! Okay maybe not too healthy since I'm bleaching them like mad, but still, hair growth wohoo!

I'm also looking forward to some things I've ordered online, and hopefully they'll come next week because it's been quite a while already and I'm getting a bit anxious about them. I'll show you guys what they are when I get them!

Also going to see my therapist tomorrow, so we'll see if I can get that shrink's appointment because of my sleeping problems. And I wonder if I should continue on a weekly basis - I probably should - or on a biweekly basis...

Do you have any thoughts regarding that? Have you been to therapy and how long did it last till you felt ready to move on?

I still have this irrational fear of going to hospitals, even though I mostly go voluntarily. And by voluntarily I mean I'm in such pain I can't be out of a hospital anymore, because outside they don't give you the good painkillers, the ones that actually take away the pain. So, I go voluntarily, but I'm still afraid of the place. Really afraid. I hope I can talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

Oh and I'm probably going to punch that septum for me, but before that I've been able to stretch my ears to 4 mm now, yay!


All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts and workouts

So today I decided to get back on track with my exercising and weight loss, though I haven't really lost the track as more levelled into a track I don't want to be in. However, it's never that simple, because let's face it - the amount of sedatives I'm taking could keep a T-Rex asleep for three days, so how on earth am I going to have the sheer energy to even lift myself off the bed, let alone some weights to add?

I constantly feel tired, I feel like all I could do this moment is just sleep sleep sleep, and that's really all I want to be doing when it's this cold and dreary. I hope very much that it doesn't stay like this for very long, otherwise I'm seriously going to lose it. And I've basically already lost it, kinda why I'm in this mess in the first place.

It's also not the simplest way to try and motivate your weight loss when half the time you keep staring at a bottle of 40 proof and wishing you could just down it in one. Now there's some unnecessary carbs for you, way to go. The cheapo Estonian beer in my room aren't helping either, though it's not really their fault I want to drink them. I can really relate to Bugs's emotions here.

Butttt, here's my goal:

Today's Thoughts, Home Attire and Giveaway!

Today me and dad went on a little car ride to get the battery going a bit (it's -16 degrees centigrade here, so the car's not that happy), and so we went both shopping and to the post office. Just a long enough trip to get us two cold and the car warm!
Shopping I got a few magazines and these wonderful fluffy yellow slippers that I've been dying to have, since our floors are cold and I need something warm and fuzzy to keep me happy.

My home attire is just about the most hideous and unflattering thing on the planet. But hey, it's for practical purposes like keeping me warm, not for any fashionable purpose! I'm somewhat warm today, much warmer than before mostly due to better heating and more exercising. I also feel much better about myself because although I did slip off my diet harshly during this winter, I'm back on the wagon now and feel absolutely fantastic! I also don't feel any new sugar cravings and have been able to say no to chocolate and cookies many many times now.

I also cleaned some more today, vacuumed the entire upper floor (one of the upper floors) and feel accomplished. I've done something that benefits our house, it feels good. It feels good not being a lazy bastard every day, but sometimes being a good girl and doing her chores. It just feels so good, it's weird.

Also did some cooking today! It was my turn cooking, my dad's usually the one to stay in the kitchen. We had lentil and bean stew, because we have so many dried lentils and beans at home and we never do anything with them, so I made a nice little curry that I think my father enjoyed a lot more than me. I love actual Indian food, but my curries just never come out right I think. But as a lentil stew it was quite edible.

Experimented with make up too, made some random colour choices and just lathered eyeshadow on to see what happens. Was nicely surprised how well it turned out. It's also a  beautiful day outside, so the lighting indoors has been wonderful as well. Not to mention heating our house has really made an improvement in my attitude towards this winter.

My shrink's dept called finally. Both the nurse and the doc, and I have new dates for next week to go talk to the nurse, so we'll see what happens. If I'll be cured or not. Right now I feel more than good. But every mood I have is like an opposite of the next, it's like tidal waves, come and go with the moon. Maybe it's just my cycle, maybe I'm not even depressed or contemplating suicide, maybe it's just a part of my natural cycle. Like laughing uncontrollably and staying awake for a whole night.

I feel creative again, I took some diazepam and it's been kicking off my creative mood again. I feel like writing and drawing and painting and writing more and drawing more and making paintings and painting makings and throwing all my clothes on the floor and rolling in them like Unca Scrooge in his money or a dog in a pile of leaves. I don't know, I feel very hyperactive. I need more DIY t-shirts but I have nothing to DIY anymore so I can't do anything glittery anymore. I need more glitter in my life.

I should go to bed early today, it would do me a world of good not being awake and not letting this superduperhypermood get the better of me. Good night, farewell and see you tomorrow!


PS. Giveaway from my giveaway page is still up for grabs if anyone's interested!

Happiness in the New Year

All pictures from Tumblr.

Books books and more beautiful books

11.12.13.14.15 and nothing ever goes on

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under the heavens:

           a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

            a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build, 

            a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,

              a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

                 a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

              a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,  

        a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8