Today's thoughts on Summer and clothing

Hello there again, it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't really had anything to say, no that's not true, I just haven't felt like being online.

I have had a lot of things to think about. Firstly, I am going to Canada, though it seemed like I might not be able to. So I'm really excited and a bit nervous about the whole thing, but in a good way. I've also been checking what sort of things I could go and see as I'm spending more than two weeks in Toronto. My first stop will definitely be Canada's biggest zoo. I love zoos with all my heart and am probably going to spend two days there! There's also a huge amusement park which I really want to go to and a bookstore named "The World's Biggest Bookstore". Not to mention all the shopping and Chinatown and everything. I just can't wait.

Secondly, I've been feeling a tad better, I don't have as many panic attacks but I still got some diazepam for my trip so in case I get an attack I don't need to go to the hospital since it's outside of EU and thus more expensive for me. That's sort of making me a bit nervous 'cause just knowing I might not be able to pay for the care is giving me a bit of anxiety.

Thirdly, I've been thinking of trying to get going my own clothing line. I draw a lot, I love drawing, and I have some ideas, but I'm not sure if my talents are good enough for doing something like that. It'll be a small thing, I think I'm going to start with just t-shirts and jumpers and maybe bags. I just need to start drawing some sketches and see where I'll be able to publish them.
Do any of my readers have ideas concerning this? I mean, do you know any good sites for ordering or also printing t-shirts? Maybe even so that they do the work and I just gather up the drawings and give to them?

And fourthly, how do I get this crummy blue hair dye off my hair? I've already bleached it and it's still sticking to my hair like glue it's really weird.

Oh and my anti-anxiety pills are giving me some trouble. You know how some pills can give you mood swings and dryness of mouth and maybe some constipation. Well guess what, I'd love to have those instead of my problems. I can deal with the decrease of libido, jesus I was a complete slut before I started my pills so a bit of calming down is just good for me, but lactating. Lactating. I am not kidding. I am not pregnant and I am jesusfuckingchrist lactating.
Now it's waiting for my test results of my prolactin levels to see where the problem lies and how big the problem is. Has any of you who use pills for anxiety and depression ever had this problem?

Also it's a crappy day today, but oh well, hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Today's thoughts and workouts

So today I decided to get back on track with my exercising and weight loss, though I haven't really lost the track as more levelled into a track I don't want to be in. However, it's never that simple, because let's face it - the amount of sedatives I'm taking could keep a T-Rex asleep for three days, so how on earth am I going to have the sheer energy to even lift myself off the bed, let alone some weights to add?

I constantly feel tired, I feel like all I could do this moment is just sleep sleep sleep, and that's really all I want to be doing when it's this cold and dreary. I hope very much that it doesn't stay like this for very long, otherwise I'm seriously going to lose it. And I've basically already lost it, kinda why I'm in this mess in the first place.

It's also not the simplest way to try and motivate your weight loss when half the time you keep staring at a bottle of 40 proof and wishing you could just down it in one. Now there's some unnecessary carbs for you, way to go. The cheapo Estonian beer in my room aren't helping either, though it's not really their fault I want to drink them. I can really relate to Bugs's emotions here.

Butttt, here's my goal:

Panic attacks and doctors

I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing  you.

Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.

I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.

My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.