Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
23.10.14
Aurora, Aurora
Yesterday was a horrible horrible day. Just plain awful. I woke up in the morning with the most dreadful pain I've had thus far being here and big surprise (thank you effing painkiller hating Finland) I got nothing to help with the pain. I cried hysterically for two hours until I got a very tiny dose of oxycodone (not even enough to get half of the pain away) after which I was sent to a ear-nose-throat specialist. They found nothing new and sent me back to my ward.
I did get some new medications from them to help with the swelling and the infection, but pain? No nothing. I did manage to get paracetamol, which they love to give around here, thank the Lord above. IT IS THE MOST USELESS PAINKILLER EVER.
So, later, after again crying hysterically, I lost my IV, it started leaking. So they wanted to put a new one, but found no veins, so they decided I'd get a central line catheter. For that, they need to know how quickly my blood coagulates, so new blood samples. Again, no veins to be found. Had a panic attack.
They sent me to the catheter place, place the anaesthesiologist finally got some blood out and managed to answer the coagulation issue - and they gave me such enormous amounts of sedatives and strong painkillers (this white diazepine stuff and phentanyl) that I was in no pain whatsoever for the first time in weeks. I felt so bloody happy! When I was finally done with the catheter - which took about thrice as long as normal, since they put it in the wrong way first and had to correct it - I ate and drank so much I was actually full! I can't remember when I ate that much last! Seeing as I haven't been able to eat or drink for ages.
Now finally I'm getting oxycodone as pills during the day so I can eat and drink. They're not high doses, so I still feel the pain, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. And I'm getting both antivirals and antibiotics through the IV catheter, and the swelling has slightly subsided. So today seems to be a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was horrible.
But I managed to get some photos from outside, Aurora hospital is a relatively nice place, old but pretty on a little hill.
I did get some new medications from them to help with the swelling and the infection, but pain? No nothing. I did manage to get paracetamol, which they love to give around here, thank the Lord above. IT IS THE MOST USELESS PAINKILLER EVER.
So, later, after again crying hysterically, I lost my IV, it started leaking. So they wanted to put a new one, but found no veins, so they decided I'd get a central line catheter. For that, they need to know how quickly my blood coagulates, so new blood samples. Again, no veins to be found. Had a panic attack.
They sent me to the catheter place, place the anaesthesiologist finally got some blood out and managed to answer the coagulation issue - and they gave me such enormous amounts of sedatives and strong painkillers (this white diazepine stuff and phentanyl) that I was in no pain whatsoever for the first time in weeks. I felt so bloody happy! When I was finally done with the catheter - which took about thrice as long as normal, since they put it in the wrong way first and had to correct it - I ate and drank so much I was actually full! I can't remember when I ate that much last! Seeing as I haven't been able to eat or drink for ages.
Now finally I'm getting oxycodone as pills during the day so I can eat and drink. They're not high doses, so I still feel the pain, but it's not nearly as bad as it was. And I'm getting both antivirals and antibiotics through the IV catheter, and the swelling has slightly subsided. So today seems to be a better day than yesterday. Yesterday was horrible.
But I managed to get some photos from outside, Aurora hospital is a relatively nice place, old but pretty on a little hill.
26.4.14
Today's thoughts on panic attacks and working
So I had to quit work now because I've been starting to get panic attacks again at completely random times with no noticeable trigger (at least none that I can notice) and thus can't call random people selling them stuff and suddenly start hyperventilating and crying. No, that won't do it.
Also I seem to be addicted to benzos, which isn't a big surprise seeing as I have a huge tolerance for them and need a lot to stop my panic attacks. I need a lot less if I can take a tablet profylactic but that's again not the best of ideas just constantly taking them since I do feel anxious all the time again, like seriously right now too. I can write and I can think, but I shiver and speaking isn't very easy and my breathing is always a bit whacky. I go from really slow to really fast and then I get scared that I have another panic attack, which might be a cause for a panic attack later.
I hate hospitals too btw. Like you didn't know that already, I hate them with all my heart. First you have to wait 7 hours in the emergence to know anything and at that point I've already gotten at least three panic attacks (that's my number one trigger: hospitals), and if I'm alone with the car they won't treat me because you're not allowed to drive while under benzos. I am laughing my fucking ass off, I drive with benzos all the time, it's the only way I can live my life without being stuck at home: panic disorder + need for tranquilisers = never use a car, just doesn't do it in the country side. You can't not drive a car, it's a must here, otherwise you won't people to go even just grocery shopping. So two fingers up to the *uckers at Meilahti. Besides driving while having a panic attack is a hell of a lot worse than driving while on benzos, I was freaking out the entire drive home.
Not to mention that bitch of a nurse in Porvoo hospital who gave me a bill to pay while I was panicking before they even thought of giving me diazepam. I mean seriously greedy bloody bastards and this is the public sector.
Slowly I'm wishing I had money to go private. But for me it's a matter of principle, if there's public health care - you use it. But that's my socialist attitudes running through my veins...
So today in about an hour I'll be picking up my dad at the airport, so finally won't be alone again. I have to say, I prefer sleeping in a house with someone else in it as well. Although Billie helps a lot, she even slept with me on the bed a few times that cutie. And I did have a sleepover guest twice during the weekend cause I had such a crappy weekend otherwise. It was lovely and he's really sweet.
Piercing update: septum now at 2 mm and going to probably go to 3 or 4 mm.
Health update: addicted to benzos
Private update: still single and still fat
Also I seem to be addicted to benzos, which isn't a big surprise seeing as I have a huge tolerance for them and need a lot to stop my panic attacks. I need a lot less if I can take a tablet profylactic but that's again not the best of ideas just constantly taking them since I do feel anxious all the time again, like seriously right now too. I can write and I can think, but I shiver and speaking isn't very easy and my breathing is always a bit whacky. I go from really slow to really fast and then I get scared that I have another panic attack, which might be a cause for a panic attack later.
I hate hospitals too btw. Like you didn't know that already, I hate them with all my heart. First you have to wait 7 hours in the emergence to know anything and at that point I've already gotten at least three panic attacks (that's my number one trigger: hospitals), and if I'm alone with the car they won't treat me because you're not allowed to drive while under benzos. I am laughing my fucking ass off, I drive with benzos all the time, it's the only way I can live my life without being stuck at home: panic disorder + need for tranquilisers = never use a car, just doesn't do it in the country side. You can't not drive a car, it's a must here, otherwise you won't people to go even just grocery shopping. So two fingers up to the *uckers at Meilahti. Besides driving while having a panic attack is a hell of a lot worse than driving while on benzos, I was freaking out the entire drive home.
Not to mention that bitch of a nurse in Porvoo hospital who gave me a bill to pay while I was panicking before they even thought of giving me diazepam. I mean seriously greedy bloody bastards and this is the public sector.
Slowly I'm wishing I had money to go private. But for me it's a matter of principle, if there's public health care - you use it. But that's my socialist attitudes running through my veins...
So today in about an hour I'll be picking up my dad at the airport, so finally won't be alone again. I have to say, I prefer sleeping in a house with someone else in it as well. Although Billie helps a lot, she even slept with me on the bed a few times that cutie. And I did have a sleepover guest twice during the weekend cause I had such a crappy weekend otherwise. It was lovely and he's really sweet.
Piercing update: septum now at 2 mm and going to probably go to 3 or 4 mm.
Health update: addicted to benzos
Private update: still single and still fat
23.3.14
Today's thoughts on driving cars
So I've been going to work in the evening these past couple of weeks and that has meant that I have taken our car from the garage and driven it 15 kms and back again during one evening, and you know what? I hate it.
I like driving cars usually - if the road is long, straight and broad or the car small - but short distances and especially the whole hassle with our garage that's way too small for our car, no naha not even close to something I'd enjoy.
Actually, I managed to do relatively well the first week or so; no accidents, no hitting the wall or doors, not bumping into other cars - but still I manage to be really afraid of the whole ordeal. I mean, I'm actually at the point where I can easily say that if I have to drive that car out of our garage one more time I will get a panic attack. I start panicking a lot before I go into the car. I start shaking at the end of my work day or hours before it, knowing I'll have to drive our car. I can't concentrate on driving when I'm just thinking about having to go into the garage. It's just come to the point where I don't know how to handle the situation.
Otherwise everything's going fine, haven't had a panic attack in ages and feel really happy most of the time. It's just that damned car and garage!
I like driving cars usually - if the road is long, straight and broad or the car small - but short distances and especially the whole hassle with our garage that's way too small for our car, no naha not even close to something I'd enjoy.
Actually, I managed to do relatively well the first week or so; no accidents, no hitting the wall or doors, not bumping into other cars - but still I manage to be really afraid of the whole ordeal. I mean, I'm actually at the point where I can easily say that if I have to drive that car out of our garage one more time I will get a panic attack. I start panicking a lot before I go into the car. I start shaking at the end of my work day or hours before it, knowing I'll have to drive our car. I can't concentrate on driving when I'm just thinking about having to go into the garage. It's just come to the point where I don't know how to handle the situation.
Otherwise everything's going fine, haven't had a panic attack in ages and feel really happy most of the time. It's just that damned car and garage!
19.1.14
8.1.14
Saw my shrink today and Make up of the Day 1
So today I finally got to see the shrink here in Sipoo, which is no easy task I'm sure, but I'm glad they rushed things for me, because now I feel a lot better about life in general.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.
He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.
Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.
He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.
Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.
31.12.13
✩ My 2013 ✩
January:
- nothing much happened in January, except for meeting lovely new friends and having a blast.
- noticed my first stomach symptoms
February:
- stomach symptoms continued
- went to Italy
March:
- was in Italy for a week
- came back home and was admitted into hospital because of severe stomach pain
- stayed in hospital for slightly over a month
April:
- was in hospital
- got diagnosed with PTLD (post transplatic lymphoproliferative disease) or more commonly: cancer
- got out of hospital and into post-hospital care
May:
- sick leave
- started feeling better
- partying
June:
- Switzerland for two weeks
- got more diseases and spent another week and a half in hospital
July:
- started getting panic attacks from hospitals
- stayed in hospital three times for one night
- Switzerland, where I met some of the loveliest people and saw some old pals <3
- was extremely suicidal
August:
- got home again from Switzerland, because of panic attacks
- saw a shrink who helped nothing
- was depressed to the point where I told my dad to hide everything that I could use for suicide
September:
- started tutoring at my university, had something in my life to keep me going
- started feeling better about my mental health
October:
- England
November:
- came back from England
- got admitted to hospital for high fever
- spent three weeks in hospital
- got together with my ex
December:
- got anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication as well as sedatives
- had to put down my best friend, my beautiful collie Bali
- nothing much happened in January, except for meeting lovely new friends and having a blast.
- noticed my first stomach symptoms
February:
- stomach symptoms continued
- went to Italy
March:
- was in Italy for a week
- came back home and was admitted into hospital because of severe stomach pain
- stayed in hospital for slightly over a month
April:
- was in hospital
- got diagnosed with PTLD (post transplatic lymphoproliferative disease) or more commonly: cancer
- got out of hospital and into post-hospital care
May:
- sick leave
- started feeling better
- partying
June:
- Switzerland for two weeks
- got more diseases and spent another week and a half in hospital
July:
- started getting panic attacks from hospitals
- stayed in hospital three times for one night
- Switzerland, where I met some of the loveliest people and saw some old pals <3
- was extremely suicidal
August:
- got home again from Switzerland, because of panic attacks
- saw a shrink who helped nothing
- was depressed to the point where I told my dad to hide everything that I could use for suicide
September:
- started tutoring at my university, had something in my life to keep me going
- started feeling better about my mental health
October:
- England
November:
- came back from England
- got admitted to hospital for high fever
- spent three weeks in hospital
- got together with my ex
December:
- got anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication as well as sedatives
- had to put down my best friend, my beautiful collie Bali
21.12.13
Behind a Lace Curtain
Today I've been feeling a lot less like myself. Again. A few days in a row. Or more like weeks. I don't feel the world the same way I did before, it feels like I'm watching everything through a curtain and only seeing parts of it. Or I'm in some way only a part of the world and not really in it. Not in any real way.
I don't know why these thoughts bother me so much, because my life hasn't really changed at all since I got home from hospital and, yeah, life's pretty much routine around here. That should help, right? I know it should. It has before. But now, I don't feel like myself, I don't even feel the world is the same anymore, and I truly do not know why I think this.
I don't notice a difference, only that there must be one for me to feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've already gone through my panic attack pills, 'cause I keep getting them, but I can't get anymore pills so it's either panic attack and hospital (which in itself is enough to make me shiver already), or just try and suck it up or sit in my room for a day hyperventilating. Those are my options. None seems nice for me right now. I don't know what to do.
I should probably call the hospital. I know I should if I feel like this. I just don't want to. I hate hospitals, they freak the living shit out of me. And mental hospitals even more. They're like prisons. You get stripped searched while hyperventilating. It's horrible.
And I don't want to go. And I don't want to bother my dad. So this is it. Suck it up and sit in my room.
My room doesn't even have any curtains. I can't hide anywhere. All the thoughts will always follow me wherever I go. I can't save myself from them, I have to learn to live with them.
I don't know why these thoughts bother me so much, because my life hasn't really changed at all since I got home from hospital and, yeah, life's pretty much routine around here. That should help, right? I know it should. It has before. But now, I don't feel like myself, I don't even feel the world is the same anymore, and I truly do not know why I think this.
I don't notice a difference, only that there must be one for me to feel this way, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've already gone through my panic attack pills, 'cause I keep getting them, but I can't get anymore pills so it's either panic attack and hospital (which in itself is enough to make me shiver already), or just try and suck it up or sit in my room for a day hyperventilating. Those are my options. None seems nice for me right now. I don't know what to do.
I should probably call the hospital. I know I should if I feel like this. I just don't want to. I hate hospitals, they freak the living shit out of me. And mental hospitals even more. They're like prisons. You get stripped searched while hyperventilating. It's horrible.
And I don't want to go. And I don't want to bother my dad. So this is it. Suck it up and sit in my room.
My room doesn't even have any curtains. I can't hide anywhere. All the thoughts will always follow me wherever I go. I can't save myself from them, I have to learn to live with them.
20.12.13
Panic attacks and doctors
I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing you.
Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.
I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.
My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing you.
Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.
I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.
My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.
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