Today's thoughts on going AWOL,winter and getting new stuff

So the last few weeks have been surprisingly warm except for now, it's been sunny out and really felt like Spring, not like most years at this time, so I spent most of my days away from the computer. I needed some personal time to get adjusted to my new routines. I have a work place now, I go to work around three times a week and do some nice old telemarketing (yeah I'm one of those annoying bitches who calls you whenever you least want it), and it's evening work, so I've been kinda exhausted afterwards.

I've still been sleeping pretty badly lately, no idea why, but I do sleep longer now, which I suppose is good for my body and my mind, but  I wish I didn't have nightmares every night. Last night  I had a nightmare that made me wake up every hour but it still ended up being the same nightmare through out the whole night! So I just woke up, fell asleep and saw the same horrid events just continued. It wasn't very relaxing and I ended up hoping I'd just wake up completely so I wouldn't have to see that anymore.

So yes, I've sort of been busy the last few weeks and have thus not updated my blog, although I have to say some of it is due to my therapy. I started this blog out of therapeutic reasons and it has helped me get through the worst, but now I am through the worst and am seeing my therapist less frequently, I feel happy most of the time, I don't feel like the world's about to collapse around me, I even look forward to seeing what my life will become, and all of those together have made me think maybe, just maybe I should spend less time with my blog, so I would see how that affects my mood. Thus far it's been going great, and I feel quite happy with my life. I am still eating antidepressants which of course may be the reason why I feel as happy as I do, but we won't know that for quite some time to come.

I still have one essay to finish, but I spent the end of last week in Tampere getting my BA, which I should get in the mail in a matter of two or three weeks, yay! Finally, didn't take me a year to finish after I had actually written my BA thesis - oh well, better late than never, I say!
And as you can see, I got a new wig in the mail, ordered it from Ebay and managed to get three exact same wigs for the price of one. I have no idea why, still wondering what to do with the rest. So have a great week and I'll try and get back to some posting rhythm!

Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Today's thoughts and partying

So today I spent with shoveling snow and doing other workouts for my Fitocracy account (I'm Frankie Savage there as well if you wanna find me) and going to the 3rd Anniversary Infektio Club event. It's a aggrotech sort of event, I don't actually exactly know what's going to be played since I want it to be a surprise, but it is cyber goth-y anyways.

From Infektio clubs Facebook site

I'm so looking forward to this, although I'm crap at being in bars alone and I'm terrified of dancing without being a. alone or b. very drunk. But I'm going to try and make the most of it, at least I'll try and get a few photos out of the event and I can't wait to wear my outfit. I chose my faux leather highwaist trousers, my DIY biohazard top and a lace cardigan. Oh I love clubbing! So excited!

I'm also going to have another photoshoot next week on Wednesday. This one is during the day, so we'll be working with natural sunlight! I just can't wait!
I'm also seeing my therapist on Monday again, and the week after that we'll have a session with both me and my dad, which is really good, because we are dealing with similar issues when it comes to mental health, and it's really good if both our problems get solved together rather than separately!


What do you think about partying/clubbing? Do you like to go out and dance? What kind of music do  you prefer in clubs?

Saw my shrink today and Make up of the Day 1

So today I finally got to see the shrink here in Sipoo, which is no easy task I'm sure, but I'm glad they rushed things for me, because now I feel a lot better about life in general.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.

He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.

Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.

Giving up and not

I am giving up writing and publishing my food diaries, mostly because I've come to a point in my life that I feel I don't really need to post those, or so many posts a day as usual for me. This blog has some unbelievable therapeutic qualities for me, so I am not giving up on this (or on my diet), but I will try and keep it to a bare minimum.

My life is not suddenly better, but I do feel a weight slowly being lifted off my shoulders as each day passes, because each day I manage to get closer to my goals. It feels comforting. Also I think my meds are working better slowly, but I will have to discuss things with my shrink still.

Tomorrow I will go to the pharmacy again and get some more pills, on Saturday I will go clean out my flat in Tampere a bit more, on Sunday it's time for some shopping with my bf, and on Monday it's a nice little second Sunday. Three Kings, can't wait!

Three Holy Kings by Piotr Stachiewicz, for the Three Kings' Day on 6th January