30 Day Blog Challenge - On Being Single

Heya, found this interesting 30 day challenge on Pinterest and thought I might try it out. It's just a 30 day post challenge, so a topic for each day and do one blog post on that said topic. I might not do one every day, but I will go according to the list.

So I'll start with Day 1:
I am single, so will have to discuss that. I've been single for a while now, I tend to have really short relationships if that, and though I really do like being with someone special, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. So if I don't honestly think I could survive with someone indefinitely I don't even bother starting something up; I don't think it's fair for anyone.

Anyway, I like being single. Sure it gets a tad lonely sometimes listening to all these taken people talk about their happy relationships, but no, I'm not alone. I would probably feel lonely in a relationship as well. At least at times. And okay, I don't get to hug and kiss and cuddle and whatnot with anyone, but that's mostly fine. If I feel really desperate for affection I have a big teddy bear at home willing to hug me. Sure she's a dog, but still. Warm+fuzzy+enormous = good hug.

Fine it's not as good as from a guy/girl you love, but it's enough for desperation at least!

I've been single for most of my life, so I've gotten extremely used to it. It gives a level of freedom, I wouldn't have in a relationship. Not that I couldn't deal with that, I don't need to go out and flirt with anyone, but still, it is a plus for being single. I don't need to make time for anyone, I don't need to move in with anyone (I can stay in my lovely house and enjoy my quiet alone time) and I don't need to feel guilty about having a bad day or landing in hospital - because I don't want to hurt anyone I love so having to tell something like that to a loved one is for me pretty painful.

And to be honest, I really do need my quiet alone time. Just because I'm really social and these days mostly an extravert, doesn't mean I want to spend my entire life in the company of others. Ooooh no.
Which is why I'd be perfectly content (at least for a while) in a long distance relationship. Sadly people these days don't seem to value the deep emotional connection you get with someone, if you are away from them for longer. People just want everything RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING. It's very frustrating, how are people these days to impatient that they can't wait like three months for someone? What about a year? Ooh no. It's weird in my opinion. If you love someone, you love them no matter what distance.

Yeah, I really do like being single. And I'd like being in a relationship just as much. I'm just not in a relationship. It's one those things - when you're single, you think how lovely it would be to be with someone and when you're with someone, you think how lovely it would be to be single. I don't really care either way. I'm not deprived of love in my life and I love plenty of people. Just not in a romantic way. Besides, it's kinda uncomfortable telling my dad I have a boyfriend and he's coming over (especially 'cause none of my boyfriends have been exactly "normal") so it's quite a bit easier to just not date anyone and be happy. And I am. Quite happy with my life.


......but I'd still like to meet someone wonderful, some nice guy who smiles a lot and is a geek and gets my brand of craziness.

Love me love me not

This time it's going to be really personal. For most of my life I've been single, big surprise since I'm under 30, and it's never really bothered me that much (except in my teen years, again big surprise). I've grown accustomed to being on my own, I like my own privacy and the freedom that comes from not being tied to anyone. I like the fact that I can choose home and my dad over someone I hardly know, and I don't have to explain why I'd rather be with my family than some guy who likes me.

However, my relationships have all been turbulent and very short, not only because of my up and down temper, but because  I tend to attract men of the same sort. I've gotten sick and tired of this. I'd like to meet a guy who likes me for who I am and isn't as insane as I am. Someone calm who'll calm me down as well.

In short - I'd like to meet someone nice, because I'm sick and tired of being alone all the time, and I'd love to finally have a decent relationship with a decent person and feel good about myself. Feel good about them. Want my dad to meet them. Want to choose them over my dad. Want to choose love over my family. I'd like to finally really honestly fall in love and not have to repress those feelings away because of a broken relationship and a broken heart. I've been in love, but I've never been allowed to stay in love.

Actually, a correction to the about text. I wouldn't mind finding a lovely calm lady to steal my heart as well. I go both ways and love is love.

Olen ollut yksin kauan, suhteeni ovat olleet lyhyitä ja todella temperamenttisia, ja toivon kaikin sydämin, että löytäisin jonkun rauhallisen miehen, joka pitäisi minutkin rauhassa. Haluan saada olla rakastunut, kun tiedän, että joku rakastaa minua takaisin, eikä pakota pitämään tunteitani poissa, kun niille ei ole vastakaikua. Korjaus: en välitä onko rakkauteni mies vai nainen, molemmat tuovat rakkautta yhtä lailla.

Numb

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

I lost a friend today, I fear. Not one I'd like to have lost and it was all due to my actions or to be a lot clearer - my inactions.
If I had done something, said something, apologised, I might not have lost them, but I didn't, I couldn't and now I'm here alone without them.


This sums up my feelings at the moment, my highly sedated feelings as I almost got a panic attack due to all of this:

Passenger - Let Her Go

Songwriters: ROSENBERG, MICHAEL DAVID

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much and you dive too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
And you let her go
Oh oh oh no
Well you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

after all this time i still don't know how to end it

11.12.13.14.15 and nothing ever goes on

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under the heavens:

           a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

            a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build, 

            a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,

              a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

                 a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

              a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,  

        a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.