Back from a long holiday

So this has taken me forever.
Sorry about that.
Well not really, I am sorry for being MIA but I'm not really sorry for having enjoyed my summer. So in June I was in Canada for two weeks, mostly in Toronto (just a day or so in Montreal, out of a whim really), and I had the most amazing time. Safe to say it was the best holiday I've ever had. However, more about that later on when I finally get my photos posted here too.

The summer's been unbelievably warm. Hot actually, and I think I've melted a few times, it's dreadful. I'm  really not one for warm weather, I can't do anything other than drink bottle after bottle of mineral water and it's driving my dad insane. I think I drink like seven litres a day (and to anyone who thinks it is dangerously too much - I'm still alive so booyah get over it, at least I can drink).
I can't sleep whatsoever, so basically this summer has just made my insomnia much much worse, and I can't really ask for help because my shrink is on holiday. So I have my old pills for it, but seeing as they never helped, well, tough luck I suppose.

Speaking of shrinks.  Since I went on holiday in June, I haven't taken a single anti-depressant, anti-anxiety or anti-anythingpill and I feel fabulous.
I think it's safe to say I'm no longer depressed. I am a tad worried about the start of my new school year, because if I start stressing out again, I might need to start taking pills too, but let's just wait and see, shall we?

And yes, I was accepted to Haaga-Helia to become a multilingual management assistant. So from the end of this month on, I will be studying business and languages. Hopefully by the end of the next four years (that's about as long as the studies will take), I'll be able to speak over ten languages. That's my goal anyway. I'd like to get to twenty before I die.
On the 19th I will have a Swedish test to maybe get exempt from the course, because if I have to take another Swedish course with people who can't even say their own names in Swedish I will kill someone. I use Swedish every single day, seriously need to get a free pass.
Anyway other than that I'll have to start studying Chinese, German and French, and I hope that I can choose Russian at some point.

I've also been writing quite a bit. I had about 65 pages of a book written, and I think now it's more like a hundred pages. I always write by hand on paper, so I actually don't know how many pages it really is since I've yet to copy it on the PC. But we'll see. Hopefully! Maybe one day I'll get the courage to let someone actually read it. Would anyone actually be interested?

Hospitals again and today's thoughts

I'm stuck in hospital. Again. And for the same reason. The lymph nodes under my jaw line have gotten enlarged due to some odd reason nobody knows of. Doctors are quite certain its virus based, so no antibiotics needed (though I'll explain later why I will need them) which also means there's no real treatment whatever it is. I'm getting Tamiflu - you know the stuff they use against influenza. It might and I hope it will have an effect and help me get rid of this at least for now, because I can't really eat or drink without strong painkillers (getting Tramal this time together with the basic paracetamol).

I also might have a urinary tract infection which is why, like I said, will need antibiotics at some point. I hope they'll give me some soon 'cause this is unbelieveably uncomfortable. Thankfully I have my laptop here so  I can bitch about all of this to you people out there reading my blog. Wohoo, I feel so lucky.
No but seriously, I feel lucky to have you guys, you mean the world to me, and I hope my urine doesn't scare you guys away, 'cause I need you in my life. 'kay? xoxo

I have my laptop, which gives me great pleasure here in the large three person room alone, while I sit by the window on my bed and wonder if I'll get out in a week or three this time round. Maybe I'll get a free pass for the rest of the year again. Positive thinking eh?
No but I'm scared. I'm seriously scared of this entire ordeal, because in the shortest time I've had the same problem and the same exact pain for the second time, and I just can't live like this. How can I go to school or work when every two months I have to stay in hospital for goodness knows how long?

I'm really glad I have my sedatives and all, since I'd be screwed without them, I wouldn't know what on earth to do or to think in this situation. They calm me a bit so I don't feel as distressed  as I would otherwise, because I really am scared of how my life will go with all these problems I have. I don't want to be a drop out just because I'm sick often! I want to be a normal person... 

I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have all this to worry about, if all my life just went around the normal day to day routines of getting up, working, going to sleep and that over and over again, without midnight phone calls to psychiatric wards or sudden moves towards the emergency room because I can't eat or drink anymore, I wonder. I wonder what my life would  be like and what kind of a person I'd be. Would I still listen to J-Rock, would I wear a Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt, would I have green hair?
Would I still have tattoos and long for a kitten?

Today's thoughts and partying

So today I spent with shoveling snow and doing other workouts for my Fitocracy account (I'm Frankie Savage there as well if you wanna find me) and going to the 3rd Anniversary Infektio Club event. It's a aggrotech sort of event, I don't actually exactly know what's going to be played since I want it to be a surprise, but it is cyber goth-y anyways.

From Infektio clubs Facebook site

I'm so looking forward to this, although I'm crap at being in bars alone and I'm terrified of dancing without being a. alone or b. very drunk. But I'm going to try and make the most of it, at least I'll try and get a few photos out of the event and I can't wait to wear my outfit. I chose my faux leather highwaist trousers, my DIY biohazard top and a lace cardigan. Oh I love clubbing! So excited!

I'm also going to have another photoshoot next week on Wednesday. This one is during the day, so we'll be working with natural sunlight! I just can't wait!
I'm also seeing my therapist on Monday again, and the week after that we'll have a session with both me and my dad, which is really good, because we are dealing with similar issues when it comes to mental health, and it's really good if both our problems get solved together rather than separately!


What do you think about partying/clubbing? Do you like to go out and dance? What kind of music do  you prefer in clubs?

Today's thoughts on depression and manga

Saw my psychiatric nurse today again, and she's really the sweetest ever. I am happy I'm seeing such a lovely person and I don't have to be afraid of being judged or considered insane by the person who's talking with me and trying to help me. She's really sweet and even though I got dreadful scores on the BDI test (seriously depressing scores), she was really nice to me about it and we went to agree that a high score doesn't mean you're crazy, it's just natural after such a taxing life as mine (and seeing as my life is easy compared to some people's...)

Went to see my gran too today, she can be taxing at times herself, but she's a nice old lady all in all. These days. She didn't use to be. But I won't get into that.

Went to the store too and bought some danish pastries which I'm not going to eat before Saturday since I'm on my 30 day no sugar challenge. Yay, go me. I'm really a weirdo buying cakes when I'm not even allowed to eat them. It's like buying food when you're trying to starve. Well no, not even in the least. It's idiotic to starve yourself, it's a good thing not to eat too much sugar.

Also bought some Japan inspired magazines, one about anime and manga and the other one about both those and music. There are a few events in the next few months about manga and anime and cosplay, and I'm not really sure if I'll go or not, but I wanted to get myself updated on the latest news, 'cause I've been out of the loop for a loong loooong time. It's sad though since I used to be really into both, though much more into manga than anime, but I lost touch with it after beginning my studies and not having any money to buy books and not wanting to read anything online, it just sort of went away. I've lost touch with a lot of my favourite activities because of my studies, and it's sort of sad.

Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Today's thoughts and photos - flu season and make up bags

I got a fever today, not a high one, but high enough to keep me away from the gym and stuck in bed all day. I can barely breathe, my nose is so stuffed. I hate having these tiny little colds every month, I'm so tired of always being sick and not having the strength to get up and do something. I just want to live a normal unsick life. Although I suppose these days that sort of thing isn't normal at all, everybody's sick with something and nobody can get away from life.

I did go see my psychiatric nurse today, even with the cold. Had to go to the pharmacy and bank too, but that's unimportant. I got a BDI test to do, and it seems I am depressed. It's up to her to define how depressed and up to me to figure out why and how to get rid of it. I don't know why I'm depressed. Not really. I know why I'm sad, but sadness doesn't create suicidal thoughts. I think? I don't know. I wish I could see her tomorrow and ask these things from her, but I have to wait a week. I can of course always call her, but I think that would border on annoying.

This is my first month without school work. Without studying. Without essays or exams or lectures. This is my first month of my sabbatical and I don't really feel much better. I feel a bit empty to be honest, but  I know I couldn't handle studying now. I just couldn't handle having to stress over minute things when I'm struggling with life itself.

I pierced my ear yesterday, made a second hole in my left ear. Now I'm letting it heal. I'm stretching my right earlobe now, but first only a little. Hopefully soon I'll get to change the pin into a bigger one. I know it's a slow process, because we don't want any injuries.

Noticed I have way too much make up for one make up bag. I have like five make up bags all full of things, and that's not even all of my make up. And it's stuff I use every now and again, can't just throw them out. I need to get a bigger make up bag, but don't really know where to look or what to look for! Maybe I should go to one of those manly building stuff stores and buy me a huge box for nails and hammers and use that for make up. Might be even a bit cheaper than getting a big make up box...

Saw my shrink today and Make up of the Day 1

So today I finally got to see the shrink here in Sipoo, which is no easy task I'm sure, but I'm glad they rushed things for me, because now I feel a lot better about life in general.
I got some advice for my sleeping problems and also got to vent basically everything that's been running through my head for the last few months or quite a few months before that as well to be honest.

He's not going to be the same person that's going to be my therapist, that person will call me in the next half a week or so, I so hope they're nice as well! I'm so nervous about things like this, it's no wonder I suffer from anxiety issues. Anyway, I need to calm myself down now really well, because I have no diazepam to keep me calm if I get a panic attack, so it's up to me to try and stop them from coming.
I get them all the time. I still get them. And I'm not even in a hospital. Other things have started triggering them with me - like the dumbest tiniest things - I called our dog the wrong name, I noticed a DVD I watched when my mother was ill and stuff like that. Just not things you should get panic attacks about.

Anyhoo, here's my first make up of the day today, what I had when I went to see the doctor and pharmacy and such. It's a very light combination of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows Stormcrow and Anarchist Priest. I also drew in my eyebrows slightly darker.

Panic attacks and doctors

I've been having panic attacks now again almost daily. My dad didn't know, I only just told him when I told him who I was calling to for so long. I called the hospital. Or two to be precise, to maybe get some help to stop these things from occuring, but it seems it's impossible to
a. get a doctor on the phone
b. because they're on holiday
c. get medicine because
d. the doctor isn't around or
e. doesn't want to give medicine without seeing  you.

Now we get back to my hospital fear. I don't want to go to a hospital if I can just for the life of me avoid it. So, as a rule, I then just refuse to come, keep getting panic attacks and nobody wins, except maybe the doctor on holiday.

I did get to to talk to two very nice nurses, one of whom I knew already from my stay at Meilahti, but it doesn't really help me stop having panic attacks, or stop one while I'm having one, that I get to talk to a nurse for half an hour of my day. I won't get a panic attack by order. I don't get them by order, I just suddenly out of nowhere get really really anxious and have a panic attack! And to get it off I need at least 15 mg of Diapam. And even then I'm just relaxed enough not to panic, not actually relaxed as in falling off my feet as a lot of people would with that dose.

My psychiatrist's appointment is on the 8th of January, I have to wait till then to get help or otherwise go to my local health centre to try and get my diapam prescription renewed. Or to Porvoo mental hospital to do the same thing. I'm pretty sure I won't last till January.

Day XIV: Depression can really hit you

I never thought I'd be on anti-depressants. I never even thought I was ever depressed, although to be honest, even now I'm not getting anti-depressants because of depression. I'm getting them for anxiety. I have anxiety issues, getting the panic attacks and not being able to end them. The anti-depressants are there to help me not to get that many panic attacks and keep them lighter, so I'd be able to maybe stop them. I'm also getting sedatives in the evening, so I won't wake up in the middle of the night knowing I'm in hospital and getting an immediate panic attack.

Which is what has happened a few times, I can tell you, my goodness. It's quite clear that my issue is nowhere near as bad as some people's, I'm not that depressed, not that anxious, but it's all subjective. For me, this is really difficult, because I'm used to just going through my life, which hasn't been an easy one, and just letting it flow. I've gone with the flow, if I can use a cliche here. But it's clearly taken it's toll, now I want to have these meds. Now I want to see a shrink. Yes, still going to call them shrinks.

I'm sort of afraid that when I get home now, that all this will continue. That I'll still get panic attacks, like I did in the summer. I don't want to, they're horrible and they make me really afraid of what will happen if I just keep having them. Because I've been in a panic attack for almost eight hours at the worst, and it's really really horrible hyperventilating for eight straight hours. Those were in hospitals though, thankfully, at home they never lasted that long, I got to take enough meds to keep me calm enough, but not anymore.

I don't really know what medication and in what doses I'm going to get home. I know I'm getting Cipralex, the anti-depressant, and Zyprexa, the sedative, but in what doses and what times and whatwhowherewhathow? Also I'm getting Neurontin in some doses to take at home, but I don't know yet about that either. It's too early to tell. I also don't know what kind of a shrink I'll see after this and that scares the living shit out of me, because I hate shrinks. I hate the look I usually get, that really condescending look, that makes you want to just yell you're better than they are and storm out. I've been lucky here in hospital, the shrink and the nurse are both lovely, just wonderful people, and I feel comfortable talking to them. I hope I'll get someone like that afterwards too. Someone I can talk to. Otherwise I'll have to ask for another, and there may be no other and what will I do then?
Scared I am, as Yoda might put it. Anxious. I'll get on Saturday if all goes well. Completely discharged. It's a fantastic thing, I've been in hospitals for three weeks now, it's getting really tiresome. I miss home. I really relaly want to go home. But at the same time - scared. Because of what if I get pains, what if I get panics, I don't know what to do.

I hope I will find out. And I will have my dad there all the time, so that will help me a lot. It will really keep me going more than this sitting around alone for most of the day in a room trying to write essays for teachers.

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.

Day VII: Medical updates and news

So, the biopsy results from my enteroscopy in September finally came a day ago. They showed that I still had some abnormal cell growth, aka cancer, but that the samples were too small or degraded or something not to give an ambiguous result, so now I am going to have another CT scan (computer tomography for those who don't know, it's like an x-ray just better and uses iodinebased contrasting agent) and a new enteroscopy (it's a procedure where they go through your entire digestive tract with a tube, camera and a biopsy snapper). Thankfully the enteroscopy is done under anesthesia, so that's no problem.

I will have to get a new IV done though, because both procedures require one, but thankfully my doctor already promised that I'm allowed to be really sedated before they try to put the IV, since I tend to have panic attacks when they don't find a vein. And they never find a vein, I have such crappy veins it's not even possible hitting them the first time round. So yeah, sedation. Tranquillisers.

Also some paindoctorperson is going to think about the painkillers I'm using, since they don't like me getting injected all the time. The pills don't seem to work and there are no opiate patches with oxycodone, just phentanyl and I hate phentanyl, so...yeah, we'll see what they come up with.

And I'm going to see a shrink in about half an hour. Because I wanted to see one. Because of a reason I can't remember anymore.

Also this all probably means I won't be getting out of hospital for quite some time to come, but thankfully I've managed to clear things up with a couple of teachers....I'm just really nervous about the rest. Because I'd really like to FINALLY get my BA out so I can start concentrating on other things. Like doing smething worthwhile.

I also bought this t-shirt last night just for the fun of it: