Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

✩ My 2013 ✩

January:
- nothing much happened in January, except for meeting lovely new friends and having a blast.
- noticed my first stomach symptoms

February:
- stomach symptoms continued
- went to Italy 

March:
- was in Italy for a week
- came back home and was admitted into hospital because of severe stomach pain
- stayed in hospital for slightly over a month

April:
- was in hospital
- got diagnosed with PTLD (post transplatic lymphoproliferative disease) or more commonly: cancer
- got out of hospital and into post-hospital care

May:
- sick leave
- started feeling better
- partying

June:
- Switzerland for two weeks
- got more diseases and spent another week and a half in hospital

July:
- started getting panic attacks from hospitals
- stayed in hospital three times for one night
- Switzerland, where I met some of the loveliest people and saw some old pals <3
- was extremely suicidal

August:
- got home again from Switzerland, because of panic attacks
- saw a shrink who helped nothing
- was depressed to the point where I told my dad to hide everything that I could use for suicide

September:
- started tutoring at my university, had something in my life to keep me going
- started feeling better about my mental health

October:
- England

November:
- came back from England
- got admitted to hospital for high fever
- spent three weeks in hospital
- got together with my ex

December:
- got anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication as well as sedatives
- had to put down my best friend, my beautiful collie Bali

You and me, we'll all go down in history...

...with a sad statue of liberty and a generation that didn't agree.

Father Into your hands I commit my spirit
       Father Into your hands, why have you forsaken me?
             In your eyes, forsaken me?
             In your thoughts, forsaken me?
      In your heart, forsaken me?


I still have 11 days until I see my new psychiatrist. 11 days I have to survive with talking to no professional. I don't know if that'll work.

Lately I've noticed I have no appetit

Lately I've noticed
that each time I think
of food it comes to mind
that I am not hungry


But I am
I am hungry
feel it now
my stomach
noises and aches


But I refuse
to eat
for I notice no need
for food

I know I am wrong
need to eat
but I don't feel like it
I don't want to eat
but I do get  hungry
I just have no appetite


It's been lost
in the jungle of pills
I'm taking for this awful feeling
inside of me
that's trying to take over
and control me


The pills refuse
to let me eat
they make me sleep
and not eat
though hungry and in need


FSB



Deuteronomy 28:26 

Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away.

after all this time i still don't know how to end it

11.12.13.14.15 and nothing ever goes on

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under the heavens:

           a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

            a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build, 

            a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,

              a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

                 a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

              a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,  

        a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

Black and White and Weird and Sad

Emilia Clarke for UK Vogue 2013 December

Having to put down your best friend

My collie was born in August 2001, she was my saviour in a way, because I had been diagnosed with my heart condition only a few months earlier. I had always wanted a collie, but that was when my mother decided it was time I got what I wanted. Her name is Headstyle Can Can or as we like to call her: Bali. Yes, like the island. But mostly it's from ballerina.

I'm not really in a good mood today, we went shopping with my dad, but that only perked me up a bit.
I cried like a baby when the vet came, and I made my dad take our bernese away so she didn't have to watch.

I had to do  this decision. She was old. She had arthritis, bad arthritis. She had a bad stomach and getting her to the shower was so painful for her that induced fear in her. Fear against me. Against the one person who always always loved her and was mostly never angry with her, even when she peed in my bed a few times...
I loved her through everything, and I will always love her. She was definitely my comfort and joy, though her life slowly drifted into something very different from comfort and joy. I just hope she's happy in doggy heaven <3

The Evening of Philosophers

i've noticed
noticed well
that now that i take
those happy pills
the pills that
make me do this
instead of something
worth
doing
my happy pills
they make me
do this
philosophise
over the importance of unimportance
and i wish
that my happy pills
lasted forever
for all i have left
without them
is sadness
pain
agony
crying
death
i never want to leave
the side of my happy pills
the evening of my philosophy
the evening of philosophers

Day VII: Feeling like I could give up - but I never will

Every once in a while, especially during these sorts of times, I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I'm always in pain, life's a misery, my loved ones suffer, there's nothing good anywhere.

All there is

is illness

and pain

and suffering

and torture

and depression

and anxiety

and panic attacks

and sadness

 and crying

and walls crumbling down

and the sky falling on all of us

but in the end, I never manage to give up. I go to the hospital feeling like I can't stand straight, I'm so ill, but I still say I'm okay to sit, no I don't need a bed. I do need a bed, I can barely sit, but I refuse to let go and give in and say "I need help".

Today, for the first time in my life, I actually spoke to a psychiatrist about my problems. I have seen psychiatrists before, but have either had no issues to deal with as I was so young and still had an easier life, or I refused to be honest because I thought the doctor was being so condescending. I don't tell the truth to people I don't feel deserve it. I don't give respect to people who don't deserve it. I don't consider authority figures authority figures before they show me, that they are worth it. She showed me. She let me speak my mind without glaring at me, without any judgment in her eyes or in her voice, and she really helped me. 

She even agreed that she has some bad collagues when I told her about my latest contact with a shrink, and apologised (which she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault).

Half the time I feel loved and supported and like there's nothing I can't handle, and the rest I feel like all the Gauls in Asterix: "Je craque! J-j.j-e cr-cr-craque!", the sky is falling apart and on top of us. She helped me notice this about me and that is why I am writing now. 

I may be sad here and there, I may be depressed even, but never, ever am I truly alone. All I need to do is go out and ask for help. 

(And yes, I know it is like looking for a job, it isn't always easy, you might not get support or any other sort of help, but you are still not alone, you will find someone at some point, just as long as you stick by it and don't give in).

(And no, it doesn't take strength to just sit on a chair when you really need a bed, it takes more strength to admit that you cannot manage anymore and need a bed to lie on). 

It takes a strong heart and mind to take life in all it's gruesomeness, but it takes much more strength to admit that you cannot go through all that misery alone and you need help. 

I learned that today and will never forget it.