Some good and bad news - maybe?

Yesterday was a really hectic day. I knew I had a school thing to do and had calculated that everything would be done here in the hospital by noon so I'd have three hours to write the thing. Yeah never gonna happen! I was shipped from one examination to another so that by the time I started writing, I only had twenty minutes time.

I thought, no problem, shouldn't be too difficul, but by the time it was almost three pm, my doctor came into the room and told me the good news - they had gotten the results of the PET scan and it had shown something that might explain why I suddenly have all of these blood clots everywhere.

'However, the bad news is that what they saw in the PPET was an abnormality in my small intestinesm which could mean that my PTLD might have come back, It could also mean a variety of other things, including a copletely different cancer, or who knows what,They need to take a biopsy to make sure what it actually is, but right now they don't know what would be the best way to get the biopsy, since it's deeper in my small intestines than what my PTLD was. They also don't know when they're going to do to the biopsy.

I'm actually quite scared now. If it's PTLD, no worries, I might stil not need chemo and the Rituximab will be enough to treat it, but when my mom had her first ovarian cancer, it sstarted with blood clots all over her legs, and I'm really scared that I might have some other type of cancer now and will need chemo and everything. Then again, it could also just be a small wound that's bleeding...

I'm scared that I might die young. I'm scare that I might die. The only thing keeping me poisitive is the fact that they don't know what it is until they have done the biopsy.
Plus all my amazing friends and family who've supported me so much during this time, I love you guys and my dad to pieces, never forget that!

30 Day Challenge - Future, first love and music!

So today I'm writing 3 days worth of answers, since I just feel like doing that, and I don't have much to say about any of the three questions.

Day 9 - How you hope your future will be like
I think I already kind of answered this question earlier, right? But hey, I want it to be to happy, filled with family and friends and I hope I'll be healthy Of course I also hope I'll own a nice house with loads of land surrounding it and have enough money to support all of that plus have extra to buy nice stuff.

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss
Well, I was 15 years old and so was he, it was really intense, we talked to each other non-stop all day long. We texted during school and then chatted online when we were home and then called each other every night: we were both under blankets so no one would hear we were talking to each other..And a 300 euro phone bill kinda proves how intense it was....I really loved him and I miss him every single day. I wish things hadn't ended the way they did, but at the same time I know it was his only way out.
My first kiss, however, was nothing special, I can't even remember who it was since it was in kindergarten.

Day 11 - Put your iPod on shuffle and write ten songs that pop up
My iPod has been offline for so long that the battery is dead, so I can't really do that, but I'll write just FIVE  random songs here:
Rammstein - Los
Abney Park - Katyusha
Mozart - Eine kleine Nachtmusik
X Japan - Kurenai
Bring Me the Horizon - deathbeds

Ten Wishes for the Season

All photos from Tumblr.

Where were you when my walls came falling down?

I remember all the bad things from my life. I remember all the pain and heartbreak I've endured over the years.

 Nothing says I love you more, than sitting beside you and comforting you when you're crying and hyperventilating, and you still know you can't help, but you do it anyway, because that's all you can do, and you know they know you love them because of it.

Always I just pressed my teeth together and went on with my life as if nothing had ever happened. That's always been my excuse. Get tough, smile and go on. Don't show your pain,  your sadness, your tears to anyone.

Because I had pain, I was sad, I cried alone. Sometimes months on end every night alone, promising myself that this was just sadness of some trauma I had endure, because those I have many, and it would go away.

It just accumulated. It went on like nothing ever would change. It's not easy trying to crawl from the rubble when all your walls have fallen and the roof fallen on you, it's not easy getting up and crawling your way out of anxiety and depression when you're the only one that knows anything happened. When you're the only one who noticed anything. When you refused to tell anyone.

I never told anyone how bad everything hurt, from my first boyfriend's suicide to my lymphoma and everything in between. My dad suspected but I didn't listen to him, I should have. I only got a bad temper. I always was a daddy's daughter, still am, temperamental. I get angry before I get sad.

But everyone needs help when they need to crawl out of all the rubble of a house. Where were you when someone's walls came falling down?

11.12.13.14.15 and nothing ever goes on

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under the heavens:

           a time to be born and a time to die,
     a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

            a time to kill and a time to heal,
     a time to tear down and a time to build, 

            a time to weep and a time to laugh,
     a time to mourn and a time to dance,

              a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
     a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

                 a time to search and a time to give up,
     a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

              a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,  

        a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8