Some good and bad news - maybe?

Yesterday was a really hectic day. I knew I had a school thing to do and had calculated that everything would be done here in the hospital by noon so I'd have three hours to write the thing. Yeah never gonna happen! I was shipped from one examination to another so that by the time I started writing, I only had twenty minutes time.

I thought, no problem, shouldn't be too difficul, but by the time it was almost three pm, my doctor came into the room and told me the good news - they had gotten the results of the PET scan and it had shown something that might explain why I suddenly have all of these blood clots everywhere.

'However, the bad news is that what they saw in the PPET was an abnormality in my small intestinesm which could mean that my PTLD might have come back, It could also mean a variety of other things, including a copletely different cancer, or who knows what,They need to take a biopsy to make sure what it actually is, but right now they don't know what would be the best way to get the biopsy, since it's deeper in my small intestines than what my PTLD was. They also don't know when they're going to do to the biopsy.

I'm actually quite scared now. If it's PTLD, no worries, I might stil not need chemo and the Rituximab will be enough to treat it, but when my mom had her first ovarian cancer, it sstarted with blood clots all over her legs, and I'm really scared that I might have some other type of cancer now and will need chemo and everything. Then again, it could also just be a small wound that's bleeding...

I'm scared that I might die young. I'm scare that I might die. The only thing keeping me poisitive is the fact that they don't know what it is until they have done the biopsy.
Plus all my amazing friends and family who've supported me so much during this time, I love you guys and my dad to pieces, never forget that!

The Day After Pain

Yesterday evening was dreadful and I cried out of pain for hours on end, but today has been so much better. So so much better.
I had an examination that required quite a bit of preparation, but it went well and took longer than expected, which of course was annoying. My nurses for the day were absolutely lovely, I have no bad word against them - especially my evening nurse is such a bubbly happy personality that I immediately become happy as well.

Tomorrow some of my relatives are coming to visit me, which is amazing, since I see them way too seldom and I love them to pieces (escpecially their little boy whose the smartest kid I've ever met and sure I'm biased but it's still true). Today my godmother came and I missed her so much already and it hadn't even been that long since we last saw each other. I love my family.

Hopefully one day this week my school project team is going to come here and film my part of our video presentation (me acting all drugged up and sick and mumbling words referring to finances, I love being the comic relief).

Next week is going to be hectic. On Monday if all goes well, I'll have a little photoshoot here in the hospital with Mr. Miettinen, who has photographed me before many times and is eager to test these kinds of surroundings. And on Wednesday I'll have my ENMG which is to check if my nerve pathways are healthy or not and if my pain is nerve related or not. Also in the evening an old friend of mine from school might come and help me with some energy healing (she's taken courses and everything), and though I'm sceptic towards things like that, I've been in the hospital now for over a month and I need to keep my mind open and let people help me. At least they can't do any harm, so what would be the point in not trying, right?

Also, eating veggie meals in the hospital is the best thing ever, the meals are just so much better without that crappy meat! I'm loving this lacto-ovo-vegetarianism.

Day XIII: My academic day

Yes, today will be a very academic day for me. I will stop thinking about all other things apart from essays. I will only write my essays.
As if that's going to happen. But no, seriously, I do need to write. I need to write alltogether about 60 pages of essays before the end of the year, which to be honest, sounds horrible but isn't all that much. I'm at the moment writing a 20 page essay, haven't gotten past page 2 but I still know I'll manage twenty pages in no time. It's always the subject that's the problem. If the subject feels bad, something boring or difficult, you know immediately that you can't write that much about it. But if it feels interesting, it doesn't matter how hard, you'll still do it.

I suppose I have mentioned about my studies and about the fact that I'm 20 ECTS (study points) away from being a Bachelor of Arts, yes? I studiy humanities, or to be precise, English philology (yes yes I know it sounds like philosophy but it has nothing to do with that). I've been studying for 3½ years now, and I feel it's time to move on. I will finish after my BA and start something else.
I would really like to get into a polytechnic and study international business, but we'll see if I get through the exams. In any case, I don't want to go to Tampere anymore, I want to stay at home, in the south. I want to stay at home with my dad and our dogs. So for at least half a year I won't attend any school.
I will get my BA done before the end of the year, which means that spring semester I will ask Kela not to pay me any benefits, and will just be on a unpaid holiday for the time being.

All this illness and being in hospital and the stress of school alltogether have made me realise that I really need some time off, I just can't do it anymore, not like this. I need some time just for me. Just for my family and enjoy my life so that I get my mental health into order as well.
I will also get rid of my apartment in Tampere, so I'll have to go there with my dad to pack up things, and then I'll sell all the furniture and give the keys back to TOAS.
This is my plan, and personally, I feel it's a good plan, I've gotten approval for it from many people I know, people who are very close to me, so I think it will go just right.
But now, it's time for me to write those essays, otherwise I'll be stuck in blogger all day!