I should be writing essays, instead I'm writing a blog

I have two more essays to write before the end of the week, and one essay to write before the 21st, but goodness me, I haven't done anything really fruitful in over three days when it comes to those essays. I've been writing my blog like mad, but not my essays.
Although, I have written 7 pages of one of them, but it still needs another 5 pages, so it doesn't really count.

I should also be reading two books in Swedish for my literature course, but oh I've just about begun the first one, so I think I'll have to tell the teacher I won't be able to finish the course after all. I'm just so busy trying to get my head straight, that all this school stress is making me wanna do things I really really shouldn't be doing.
I wanna drink so bad, but I can't 'cause of my pills. I wanna smoke, but I stopped already and it's been going great, but oh the wishful thinking of all these mindaltering substances with all my pills, not a good idea and I won't do them, but oh I'd love to.
I've already had to tell a multitude of teachers, yes, a multitude, that I cannot finish their course. One I've told I'd love to, but she hasn't even answered me back. I find that offensively rude.

On a brighter note, I got my new IKEA bed and it's half finished! Spent all of last night sleeping on the floor on my blanket under a second blanket, 'cause there was no room for a mattress...

Day XIII: My academic day

Yes, today will be a very academic day for me. I will stop thinking about all other things apart from essays. I will only write my essays.
As if that's going to happen. But no, seriously, I do need to write. I need to write alltogether about 60 pages of essays before the end of the year, which to be honest, sounds horrible but isn't all that much. I'm at the moment writing a 20 page essay, haven't gotten past page 2 but I still know I'll manage twenty pages in no time. It's always the subject that's the problem. If the subject feels bad, something boring or difficult, you know immediately that you can't write that much about it. But if it feels interesting, it doesn't matter how hard, you'll still do it.

I suppose I have mentioned about my studies and about the fact that I'm 20 ECTS (study points) away from being a Bachelor of Arts, yes? I studiy humanities, or to be precise, English philology (yes yes I know it sounds like philosophy but it has nothing to do with that). I've been studying for 3½ years now, and I feel it's time to move on. I will finish after my BA and start something else.
I would really like to get into a polytechnic and study international business, but we'll see if I get through the exams. In any case, I don't want to go to Tampere anymore, I want to stay at home, in the south. I want to stay at home with my dad and our dogs. So for at least half a year I won't attend any school.
I will get my BA done before the end of the year, which means that spring semester I will ask Kela not to pay me any benefits, and will just be on a unpaid holiday for the time being.

All this illness and being in hospital and the stress of school alltogether have made me realise that I really need some time off, I just can't do it anymore, not like this. I need some time just for me. Just for my family and enjoy my life so that I get my mental health into order as well.
I will also get rid of my apartment in Tampere, so I'll have to go there with my dad to pack up things, and then I'll sell all the furniture and give the keys back to TOAS.
This is my plan, and personally, I feel it's a good plan, I've gotten approval for it from many people I know, people who are very close to me, so I think it will go just right.
But now, it's time for me to write those essays, otherwise I'll be stuck in blogger all day!

Day IX: Sleepiness, essays and friends

I had a lovely day today. Though I had that terrible panic attack last night after my tomography, I slept like a baby throughout the entire night (no wonder, I was so drugged). My nurse told me I babbled something about only seeing blue things and that she asked me if I was okay, and my answer was a very happy "Ohhh yeess".
So yeah.

Painkillers are starting to work, I got some new ones above all the rest, and I don't get injections anymore, only Oxynorm as liquid, which is sort of awesome and sort of horrid since it tastes dreadful. I also felt like eating today, which is why I ate a lot of sweets. Shouldn't really, but hey, it's almost weekend.

I woke up at six am, which is when I also started writing my ten page essay on why christianity became the dominant religion in ancient Rome. It's not that easy writing an essay when you're so drugged that you can barely even read your source texts. But I don't mind, I've written seven pages thus far, so I'm doing quite well. I think I'll write one page more today and then the rest tomorrow. Or just all the rest tomorrow. Then it's off to other essays!

I probably mentioned this earlier, but I'm probably going to start studying something else next Autumn and now in Spring I'm just going to have a nice long holiday.

Got some visitors as well, other than my dad. Actually my dad didn't come at all today, because I had so many other visitors. Three of my friends from Tampere came to visit me, one tutorcolleague, her friend and one of my freshers. I love them, they're such lovely people! It was wonderful seeing them after such a long time.

Also, all these painkillers are making me really really drowsy so all the time I feel like sleeping. Which is why I'm going to say goodnight to you now and have some really nice dreams!
Here's a few pictures of sleepy corgies and a picture of me from this morning, after I just woke up: