Today's thoughts on panic attacks and working

So I had to quit work now because I've been starting to get panic attacks again at completely random times with no noticeable trigger (at least none that I can notice) and thus can't call random people selling them stuff and suddenly start hyperventilating and crying. No, that won't do it.

Also I seem to be addicted to benzos, which isn't a big surprise seeing as I have a huge tolerance for them and need a lot to stop my panic attacks. I need a lot less if  I can take a tablet profylactic but that's again not the best of ideas just constantly taking them since I do feel anxious all the time again, like seriously right now too. I can write and I can think, but I shiver and speaking isn't very easy and my breathing is always a bit whacky. I go from really slow to really fast and then I get scared that I have another panic attack, which might be a cause for a panic attack later.

I hate hospitals too btw. Like you didn't know that already, I hate them with all my heart. First you have to wait 7 hours in the emergence to know anything and at that point I've already gotten at least three panic attacks (that's my number one trigger: hospitals), and if I'm alone with the car they won't treat me because you're not allowed to drive while under benzos. I am laughing my fucking ass off, I drive with benzos all the time, it's the only way I can live my life without being stuck at home: panic disorder + need for tranquilisers = never use a car, just doesn't do it in the country side. You can't not drive a car, it's a must here, otherwise you won't people to go even just grocery shopping. So two fingers up to the *uckers at Meilahti. Besides driving while having a panic attack is a hell of a lot worse than driving while on benzos, I was freaking out the entire drive home.

Not to mention that bitch of a nurse in Porvoo hospital who gave me a bill to pay while I was panicking before they even thought of giving me diazepam. I mean seriously greedy bloody bastards and this is the public sector.
Slowly I'm wishing I had money to go private. But for me it's a matter of principle, if there's public health care - you use it. But that's my socialist attitudes running through my veins...

So today in about an hour I'll be picking up my dad at the airport, so finally won't be alone again. I have to say, I prefer sleeping in a house with someone else in it as well. Although Billie helps a lot, she even slept with me on the bed a few times that cutie. And I did have a sleepover guest twice during the weekend cause I had such a crappy weekend otherwise. It was lovely and he's really sweet.

Piercing update: septum now at 2 mm and going to probably go to 3 or 4 mm.
Health update: addicted to benzos
Private update: still single and still fat

Today's Thoughts on early mornings and photoshoots

I just had my entrance exam yesterday and I'm pretty happy about how it went down, at least the one on one interview went really well in my opinion, but we'll see in July if it went well enough!
Today it's been a long day already since Billie decided to wake up at five so I couldn't just sleep, so I woke up and here I am.
I've been trying to catch up on blogging and I did another short Youtube video (the TMI tag) and hopefully my Easter is going to be lovely!
I'm home alone now since dad's spending his Easter in Switzerland, and I'm kinda enjoying this peace and quiet. I have all kinds of things lined up - I have a photoshoot coming up with JBM and I'm going to be doing some photography myself (thought why not, if I can stand in front of a camera, I can probably learn to stand behind it too!)

Photos taken by Jukka Jalkanen

Today's thoughts and some music

So we went shopping again, I bought three spray paints for 10 euro, so I'm happy about that. I'm really tired too, again, big surprise, so I think I'll try and rest at some point. Have been feeling really weird lately, again sort of  depressed but I don't feel like I have a reason anymore. I should be feeling happy, I should be happy, since there's only happiness in my life right now.

I should write more essays again too, I have one essay planned and I still haven't written it. I really should write it, because it'd be really mean to my wonderful teacher if I ask him to take my essay and then I don't deliver. I so hate missing deadlines.

I've been feeling artsy too, I feel like I should be diying all the time and I have nothing to diy. I wish I had something to paint, thankfully I have some canvas, so I'll just go fetch that and start painting. Watching Stargate and painting, what a dream. Wonderful.

Here's something that's been keeping me up for the last day:

Asking Alexandria - The Death of Me

Am I insane?
I ask myself over and over and over again
Trapped in my brain
Pull it out from the cracks in my skull
Am I alone?
Surrounded by shadows
I think I might just be suffocating

The devil came to take me to hell
But I'm already there.

Am I insane?
Am I insane?
Am I insane?

The devil came to take me to hell
But I'm already there.

[Chorus]
I won't let you be the death of me
No I refuse to let you bring me down
Bring me down
I won't let you make me out to be
The one who's in the wrong
And I've lost my mind before
But now I'm back
And I'm better than ever.

Am I insane?
I've rolled myself over
And screamed till I spit up blood
Trapped in my brain
The itching is incomprehensible and it won't stop

Am I alone?
The voices who lie but they just won't fucking go away

The devil came to take me to hell
But I'm already there.

Am I insane?
Am I insane?
Am I insane?

Am I alone surrounded by death?
I think this might just be the end

Am I insane?
Am I insane?
Am I insane?

The devil came to take me to hell
But I'm already there.

You can't take this away from me
You can't relieve these demons
You can't make this OK for me
You're the one who caused these feelings

I apologize for what I'm about to do
I try to sympathize
But at the end of the day
You brought this on yourself

[Chorus]
I won't let you be the death of me
No I refuse to let you bring me down
Bring me down
I won't let you make me out to be
The one who's in the wrong
And I've lost my mind before
But now I'm back
And I'm better than ever
Now I'm back
And I'm better than ever

The tears
Have left a blur
That I can't explain
The pain
Has left a hole
In which my heart should've been

I'm blind with rage
And I can't shake this feeling
Irrational
Impetuous
Intemperate

I'm blind with rage
And I can't shake this feeling
Irrational
Impetuous
Intemperate

I won't let you be the death of me
I refuse to let you bring me down
Bring me down
I won't let you make me out to be
The one who's in the wrong
And I lost my mind before
But I'm back and I'm better than ever

Today's thoughts on past photoshoot and unnecessary insecurities

So there was no reason for me to be so nervous about the photoshoot, it went as perfectly as I ever could've hoped for and the photographer was lovely. Such a sweet person. And even though I felt like I nearly froze to death (my idea to waltz around in skimpy dresses mid-winter) it seemed like an absolutely wonderful photoshoot and there were some beautiful pictures taken.
Not only nice but he had a real 50s plate camera so I really got myself filmed!

I don't know why I feel so insecure all the time, I have no reason to really. I should just be happy of the person I am, and just go with the flow. It's worked for me thus far, why wouldn't it work from now on out? It's so stupid how the human mind  creates these horror scenarios without actual cause for any of them. It's ridiculous like I said before.

Now I'm just sitting here, trying my hardest to get warm again and then I'm going to spend the rest of the day making more cabochons and maybe playing some Sims. Just a lovely relaxing day of rest. I love these kinds of days when I really don't have to do anything, I can just be and enjoy myself and life in general. Contemplate on the finer things in life!

Today's thoughts on short hair and photoshoots

I just haven't gotten used to having short hair yet, I keep getting a cold neck and wanting to open my bun and realising I don't have my hair in a bun, I've cut them. I think they look good on most days, maybe make me look a bit more boyish than I like, but nevertheless on a grand scale I quite like them. Just a matter of getting used to not having longer hair. Kind of like when you don't have a wristwatch and you keep  checking the time off of an empty wrist. It's so frustrating, but it's not somehow terrible, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I might have a photoshoot today, might. A photographer should come round and look at our sheds and woods and see if he'd like to have a photoshoot there, but  I don't know if he's only coming to check things out, or if he's prepared to have the photoshoot right then and there. I'm a bit nervous.
Especially since my dad doesn't like the idea one single bit, he's absolutely refused the house and garden to be in photos, so it'll only be sheds and woods for us, which is perfectly fine for me, as I was thinking of those anyways, but I wish he was in a better mood of the whole thing. I think he needs to eat first too...

Anyway the photographer is coming at noon, so we still have plenty of time to get used to the idea.  I hope it all goes well.
I'm a lot nervous actually. I'm kinda afraid he'll want to photograph some of the house and I'll have to deny him from that and I'll get a bad reputation as a model, which is ridiculous loss of self-confidence at this point, but hey, that's me. I have no self-confidence no matter what I sound like or seem like here or in real life. I always have this voice of absolute and incessent insecurity rambling idiotic thoughts in my head.

I've packed a bunch of clothes and make up ready in a bag in a room where my dad doesn't have to meet the guy and Billie can't get in there, so it'll be easier to work around the whole "seeing the house" bit. God I'm so nervous.

My sleep has been a bit of an issue here as well. I'm still not sleeping very well and I take a lot of medicine to try and make me sleep. It's ridiculous. I've already years ago tried everything medical and non-medical and now they're just redoing all the medical stuff, just with bigger doses. I take like  five different meds to help me sleep and that's not counting diazepam which I need when I get really anxious. And I do still get anxiety breakdowns, it's even more ridiculous. Nothing in my life is worth getting anxious about and still I can't shake the feeling of insecurity and fear, plain fear running through my body. And then I start hyperventilating. Thankfully I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite some time now, I'm really happy about that.

All photos are from Tumblr.

And here's a small vlog in Finnish:

The Morning of Philosophers

It's been another month gone by
they go so fast but so slow
sleep and eat and drink and sleep and
neverending circles keeping
awake for a month
Another month.

I don't know if it's the pills I keep taking or what, I suppose it's the pills, but I can't sleep anymore. I fall asleep and then wake up almost immediately and it's making me so frustrated I don't know what to do. I already spent a weekend in the psych ward getting my head together, I don't need another visit. I need to see my shrink and get more pills.
More and more medicine to swallow every night, as if it's not already a handful, a fistful.

Sometimes I don't even know if it's day or night, because at night I can't sleep properly, I fall asleep during the day and wake up thinking it's a new day. Each day just flows into the next and the previous, and I don't know where we're going. Where am I going?
Where's my life heading?

I hope the answer is simple and I get into business studies, but I fear it's more complicated than anyone could think and I manage to mess things up as usual. Such a fucking failure. I wish there was a pill to make me into a good and hardworking daughter. A good and intersting young woman. Someone to look up to rather than down on.

All alone and I still manage to have baby fever. It seems like all my friends are paring up and getting children and getting married, and I'm left out to be a maniac all by myself. But it feels like I'm abandoning them and not the other way around. I'm the one that quit. I'm the one at home and away from my friends. I'm the psycho, not them. They're awesome as ever and I'm a headcase.

Today's thoughts on piercings and failure

I know the title seems a bit harsh and really depressed again, but I'm feeling relatively good right now. I feel like I have something to look forward to and it's keeping me happy and satisfied without having to resort to sedatives or sleeping.

But I do keep failing at basically everything. I can't take good photos anymore, I can't draw anymore, I've never been able to sing, I'm failing in my diet (just had bacon) and thus failing at weight loss and creating actual weight gain, without getting more muscles, and my dad seems so disappointed in me every day. Probably because of the piercings but still. Oh and I fail at hair dye, my head just doesn't want to get really platinum blonde. But I will keep trying.

About piercings, I bought a couple of barbells and a ring so I'll be piercing a bit more of myself in the coming weeks. Not anything harsh, just another earring, nothing big or fancy. I'm terrified of piercing my own septum so I  will definitely NOT be doing that, but will keep to non-cartilidge areas of my body.

Oh and I've managed to have some non-failing progress on my stretching! I've stretched my right earlobe to 4 mm and the left one to 3 mm. Hoping that in a week or so, I can have the left one at 4 mm too, so that I'll be able to stretch them simultaneously rather than one after the other.

My hair dyeing process is keeping me busy too, tomorrow I'll be bleaching it again and see what happens. Probably almost nothing if memory serves right. I tend to not go whiter than piss. Serves me for having the ginger gene I suppose.

I'm also happy about the make up project, because it gives me a reason to take pictures every day and not slack like  with the photography challenge. Which btw will continue today. I hate abbreviations. And I still use them.

Today's thoughts on Old Toys, Depression and Hair

Today I brought all my old Barbies and their horses to the kindergarten I used to work at, they were super happy about getting the toys and I felt like I had done something really good. I felt like I made their day and I hope I did because that feeling has since faded away.

I had a good day when I woke up. I had a good day when I came back, but after my mid-day nap, I've been feeling horrible. I cut my hair to make me feel more alive, which actually helped and I do like my hair now even though it was horrible difficult to cut and my dad was no help, but it looks nice for someone who doesn't know anything about cutting hair.

Alive is something I really need to feel like, and right now it's not that great. I've been trying to keep myself busy with knitting random things and watching SG-Atlantis and cleaning my room, but I still feel like a failure. I think it might be the sleeping pills I took last night, but maybe I'm just having a bad day again and feel like shit because of it. I'll never know.

I got a package from Crazy Factory again, it's my new stretchers, I already put the three mil in my right ear, let's see how it goes and how long it takes before I can put the four mil in. I also pierced my left ear a second time yesterday, before the photoshoot. I was really afraid it wouldn't stop bleeding before the shoot, because it just bled and bled and bled, but thankfully it stopped after a while of keeping  tissue on it. I should get more piercing stuff from Crazy Factory so I could change my labret and pierce my right ear too and not have asymmetrical ears. I love symmetry.

Now that I cut my hair I feel a lot colder, I don't have all that hair covering my ears and my neck and keeping me warm, so I need a scarf indoors again. Speaking of indoors, cooking, I think we're having liver for evening meal. I like liver but today I don't feel like eating anything, I feel like sleeping and watching nothingness in front of me. I feel like having a panic attack but it just won't come. I feel like crying but I just can't.

Päiväni on ollut vähän siinä ja siinä. Leikkasin hiukseni en vain siksi, että halusin lyhyet hiukset vaan myös sen vaihtelun vuoksi, joka välillä auttaa kestämään tätä elämää. Tänään ei ole ollut kovin hyvä päivä noin henkisesti ajatellen, tunnen oloni aivan turhaksi ja mitättömäksi ja riittämättömäksi enkä tiedä kuinka korvata turhuuteni niille, jotka elämässäni joutuvat tästä kaikesta kärsimään. En tiedä onko tähän syynä masennukseni vai eiliset unilääkkeet, mutta en tunne olevani kotona vaikka olen kotona. En tunne olevani elossa vaikka olen elossa.
Annoin tänään pois vanhoja leluja. Sain postissa lävistyskoruja ja pitäisi ostaa lisää. Oi tätä materialismin onnea.

Today's thoughts and grans

My day started as well as a day could, I felt good, I cleaned a bit, I did my Fitocracy even though it's technically my rest day. And all the while I just felt really good and quite happy.
I've been chatting to random people again too, which is always nice getting to know people from all over the world, and I feel like writing letters again - I've been a terrible penpal for the last year.

But then came my gran. For the last four hours I've felt as dreadful as I could under the circumstances, and I hate it. I hate her ruining my day. I had everything carefully planned and I know this is all really childish because I should be happy and I'm lucky to have a gran and everything and it's her birthday, but she just is capable of pushing exactly the buttons to piss the hell out of me.

Anyway I'm going to head off to my room and do some more random cleaning and organising, make me do something to keep my mind off of my gran. Off of all the negative things in my life and concentrate on something useful. I have some ideas for my room so I'll have to check them out as well, I think I'm going to replan some of it!

All photos are from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts of the coming weekend and shopping

My plans for the weekend went bust because of J being sick, which sucks and I hope he gets better soon! We were going to go to a party together, to see some old friends, but now that's not happening, so I have the weekend all to myself, and have no idea what to do.

Today we went shopping with my dad - which was a good idea, since now I have a few really cheap plain t-shirts I can DIY somehow during the weekend, so I don't get too bored, 'cause when I'm bored I tend to get really depressed and I don't want to. I doubt anybody wants to, that would really be insane.

I'm doing a lot better though otherwise. I think the painkillers are really working or then my viruswhatever is slowly leaving my body and making my lymph nodes small again. At least I can eat and drink again without having a constant pain in my mouth. Also I hear my teeth xray was great and there's absolutely nothing wrong with my wisdom teeth, which is good, I like having them, which may be weird since they are just random extra teeth, but still.

Hyperactive again today, one of the reasons why I woke my dad up at 6 am and asked if we could go shopping later (10 am). He wasn't very enthusiastic in the beginning....
Billie's hyper again too, really talkative. She's the most talkative bernese we've ever had - constant sound coming out of her. She sounds like a cat sometimes. It's really weird and really cute at the same time.

I've been keeping busy with Fitocracy every day. I love the thing. I've been logging in around a thousand points every day that I've worked out and it's  fantastic. I could do more, but I think I shouldn't overdo it in the beginning. Maybe later.

Also I'm saving up for a tattoo, so maybe at some point I'll get my fifth tattoo. Don't know yet which one I'll get first, it depends on the price really, but I'm going to go see my tattooist in Hyvinkää at some point to discuss the matter. First I do need to get to Hyvinkää and I don't really like going that way.

Hospitals again and today's thoughts

I'm stuck in hospital. Again. And for the same reason. The lymph nodes under my jaw line have gotten enlarged due to some odd reason nobody knows of. Doctors are quite certain its virus based, so no antibiotics needed (though I'll explain later why I will need them) which also means there's no real treatment whatever it is. I'm getting Tamiflu - you know the stuff they use against influenza. It might and I hope it will have an effect and help me get rid of this at least for now, because I can't really eat or drink without strong painkillers (getting Tramal this time together with the basic paracetamol).

I also might have a urinary tract infection which is why, like I said, will need antibiotics at some point. I hope they'll give me some soon 'cause this is unbelieveably uncomfortable. Thankfully I have my laptop here so  I can bitch about all of this to you people out there reading my blog. Wohoo, I feel so lucky.
No but seriously, I feel lucky to have you guys, you mean the world to me, and I hope my urine doesn't scare you guys away, 'cause I need you in my life. 'kay? xoxo

I have my laptop, which gives me great pleasure here in the large three person room alone, while I sit by the window on my bed and wonder if I'll get out in a week or three this time round. Maybe I'll get a free pass for the rest of the year again. Positive thinking eh?
No but I'm scared. I'm seriously scared of this entire ordeal, because in the shortest time I've had the same problem and the same exact pain for the second time, and I just can't live like this. How can I go to school or work when every two months I have to stay in hospital for goodness knows how long?

I'm really glad I have my sedatives and all, since I'd be screwed without them, I wouldn't know what on earth to do or to think in this situation. They calm me a bit so I don't feel as distressed  as I would otherwise, because I really am scared of how my life will go with all these problems I have. I don't want to be a drop out just because I'm sick often! I want to be a normal person... 

I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have all this to worry about, if all my life just went around the normal day to day routines of getting up, working, going to sleep and that over and over again, without midnight phone calls to psychiatric wards or sudden moves towards the emergency room because I can't eat or drink anymore, I wonder. I wonder what my life would  be like and what kind of a person I'd be. Would I still listen to J-Rock, would I wear a Sleeping with Sirens t-shirt, would I have green hair?
Would I still have tattoos and long for a kitten?

Today's thoughts, tomorrow's photoshoot and some workout

I bought a new weight today and a yoga matt, super happy now! The weight's 16 kg so it's perfect for deadlifting and such, wonderful. I feel my muscles growing by the second!
And the matt I really needed since I have nothing and doing ab exercises on hardwood floors hurts a LOT.

Tomorrow I have a photoshoot signed up, during the day and in natural daylight, so I'm really nervous what kind of make up I should put. I should really ask the photographer also if he's got some hopes for the make up.

I'm not writing much today, I'm feeling really tired and fully exercised so I feel exhausted in all possible ways. I'm starting over with my weight loss plan, so the side bar there ->
will look a bit different from now on, since I'm seriously restarting the whole process.
I'm also on a rather unnatural diet of eggs and ramen noodles, but don't worry, I eat my greens and fruits ;)

How are you guys? How are your lives going?

Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Today's thoughts and being hung over

So I went partying last night. So I had a great time. So I didn't wake up at home. I feel both incredibly happy and like a huge disappointement for my father to have such a drunk disgusting little whore for a daughter.

But this could all be solved with two things a. stop drinking and b. start lying. Then he wouldn't know what a disappointing thing I am and I'd feel happy about remembering my night and the names of the people I met there. Because I met some really really nice people and would like to get together with them on more occasions! I might of course see them at the next event, who knows.

I feel a lot more depressed today than for a while, but I think that's the alcoholic disappointment speaking, rather than the actual depression. Of course it doesn't help that I'm tired, can't sleep and my stomach hurts again like there's a hell in my uterus.

Suppose I'm hung over, but I don't really know what hangovers feel like because I don't usually get them, no matter how much or what I drink. The only thing that ever gave me a headache (and it wasn't a bad one) was sparkly wine, so I'm staying clear of champagnes, but other than that I mix and match and blah and not get any hangover symptoms. Except maybe a slight trembling. But I tremble on a regular basis anyways, so it doesn't really necessarily have to be linked to alcohol.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair a bit and getting a side fringe. I like scene hairstyles a lot but don't know if they'd suit me and don't really know how to cut one myself, but I'm too cheap and too poor to go to a coiffure.

Also been keeping up on my Fitocracy account - I'm almost on level 10 and I'm super excited! I just love that site so much!

All photos from Tumblr.