I know the title seems a bit harsh and really depressed again, but I'm feeling relatively good right now. I feel like I have something to look forward to and it's keeping me happy and satisfied without having to resort to sedatives or sleeping.
But I do keep failing at basically everything. I can't take good photos anymore, I can't draw anymore, I've never been able to sing, I'm failing in my diet (just had bacon) and thus failing at weight loss and creating actual weight gain, without getting more muscles, and my dad seems so disappointed in me every day. Probably because of the piercings but still. Oh and I fail at hair dye, my head just doesn't want to get really platinum blonde. But I will keep trying.
About piercings, I bought a couple of barbells and a ring so I'll be piercing a bit more of myself in the coming weeks. Not anything harsh, just another earring, nothing big or fancy. I'm terrified of piercing my own septum so I will definitely NOT be doing that, but will keep to non-cartilidge areas of my body.
Oh and I've managed to have some non-failing progress on my stretching! I've stretched my right earlobe to 4 mm and the left one to 3 mm. Hoping that in a week or so, I can have the left one at 4 mm too, so that I'll be able to stretch them simultaneously rather than one after the other.
My hair dyeing process is keeping me busy too, tomorrow I'll be bleaching it again and see what happens. Probably almost nothing if memory serves right. I tend to not go whiter than piss. Serves me for having the ginger gene I suppose.
I'm also happy about the make up project, because it gives me a reason to take pictures every day and not slack like with the photography challenge. Which btw will continue today. I hate abbreviations. And I still use them.
Transplant patient with all kinds of worries from hospital fear to dieting, and loads about good music, tattoos and rock n' roll!
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
22.2.14
17.1.14
Today's Thoughts, Home Attire and Giveaway!
Today me and dad went on a little car ride to get the battery going a bit (it's -16 degrees centigrade here, so the car's not that happy), and so we went both shopping and to the post office. Just a long enough trip to get us two cold and the car warm!
Shopping I got a few magazines and these wonderful fluffy yellow slippers that I've been dying to have, since our floors are cold and I need something warm and fuzzy to keep me happy.
My home attire is just about the most hideous and unflattering thing on the planet. But hey, it's for practical purposes like keeping me warm, not for any fashionable purpose! I'm somewhat warm today, much warmer than before mostly due to better heating and more exercising. I also feel much better about myself because although I did slip off my diet harshly during this winter, I'm back on the wagon now and feel absolutely fantastic! I also don't feel any new sugar cravings and have been able to say no to chocolate and cookies many many times now.
I also cleaned some more today, vacuumed the entire upper floor (one of the upper floors) and feel accomplished. I've done something that benefits our house, it feels good. It feels good not being a lazy bastard every day, but sometimes being a good girl and doing her chores. It just feels so good, it's weird.
Also did some cooking today! It was my turn cooking, my dad's usually the one to stay in the kitchen. We had lentil and bean stew, because we have so many dried lentils and beans at home and we never do anything with them, so I made a nice little curry that I think my father enjoyed a lot more than me. I love actual Indian food, but my curries just never come out right I think. But as a lentil stew it was quite edible.
Experimented with make up too, made some random colour choices and just lathered eyeshadow on to see what happens. Was nicely surprised how well it turned out. It's also a beautiful day outside, so the lighting indoors has been wonderful as well. Not to mention heating our house has really made an improvement in my attitude towards this winter.
My shrink's dept called finally. Both the nurse and the doc, and I have new dates for next week to go talk to the nurse, so we'll see what happens. If I'll be cured or not. Right now I feel more than good. But every mood I have is like an opposite of the next, it's like tidal waves, come and go with the moon. Maybe it's just my cycle, maybe I'm not even depressed or contemplating suicide, maybe it's just a part of my natural cycle. Like laughing uncontrollably and staying awake for a whole night.
I feel creative again, I took some diazepam and it's been kicking off my creative mood again. I feel like writing and drawing and painting and writing more and drawing more and making paintings and painting makings and throwing all my clothes on the floor and rolling in them like Unca Scrooge in his money or a dog in a pile of leaves. I don't know, I feel very hyperactive. I need more DIY t-shirts but I have nothing to DIY anymore so I can't do anything glittery anymore. I need more glitter in my life.
I should go to bed early today, it would do me a world of good not being awake and not letting this superduperhypermood get the better of me. Good night, farewell and see you tomorrow!
PS. Giveaway from my giveaway page is still up for grabs if anyone's interested!
13.1.14
Not Right Up Here
Thought's of today and today in my head. It's not a pretty place anymore.
Had to call my shrink again, 'cause I'm dumb and forgot to get more meds. Thank God I have some other sedatives too or I'd have done something really stupid. I'm too rash, I jump to decisions quicker than I think things through. But my mind is still constantly churning up more horrid imagery for me.
All photos from Tumblr.
5.1.14
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