30 Day Blog Challenge - Days 2-4

This time I'm going to do three days at once, because days 3 and 4 are going to be answered very shortly.

Where I want to be in 10 years? 
- I want to have a child - boy or girl, I don't care
- I want to have a job that supports me and doesn't want to make me kill myself; doesn't need to be the best job in the world, doesn't need to pay the most, just enough so I don't cry myself to sleep because I have no money to pay my phone bill
- Own my own place - alright, I'm halfway there, but I don't want to stay in Finland for the rest of my life and I don't want to necessarily live in a 300 square metre house with a very small family or say just one dog if the kid part doesn't come to pass...
- In a country that I enjoy living in; sure I'll need to test a few places before I find the right place, but maybe Switzerland, Canada, Germany or Sweden? Something relatively familiar, close to my happy place and yet not Finland.

I think that's it. In 10 years I'll be 33½ and I'm not expecting to have everything by then. My health and a home are basically the biggest things, and with my health I need enough money to pay for hospital visits, so yeah. Well, not too out there I suppose, but hopefully down to earth enough to actually happen by the time I'm 34.

My views on drugs and alcohol?
Alcohol: don't drink too much, no need to be a teatotaller, but don't overdo it, it's really not healthy and it makes you look like an idiot. I speak from experience.
Drugs: this medium is too public to post my views here, I'm sorry.

My views on religion?
Religion is not needed for a person to have ethics and morals - and I don't care if you believe in God or don't believe, or what God/gods you believe in, just as long as your life's mission is not to judge others for not believing what you believe in. Okay? Okay.

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 8 A Bad Habit

This image speaks for itself I think...

Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Today's thoughts and being hung over

So I went partying last night. So I had a great time. So I didn't wake up at home. I feel both incredibly happy and like a huge disappointement for my father to have such a drunk disgusting little whore for a daughter.

But this could all be solved with two things a. stop drinking and b. start lying. Then he wouldn't know what a disappointing thing I am and I'd feel happy about remembering my night and the names of the people I met there. Because I met some really really nice people and would like to get together with them on more occasions! I might of course see them at the next event, who knows.

I feel a lot more depressed today than for a while, but I think that's the alcoholic disappointment speaking, rather than the actual depression. Of course it doesn't help that I'm tired, can't sleep and my stomach hurts again like there's a hell in my uterus.

Suppose I'm hung over, but I don't really know what hangovers feel like because I don't usually get them, no matter how much or what I drink. The only thing that ever gave me a headache (and it wasn't a bad one) was sparkly wine, so I'm staying clear of champagnes, but other than that I mix and match and blah and not get any hangover symptoms. Except maybe a slight trembling. But I tremble on a regular basis anyways, so it doesn't really necessarily have to be linked to alcohol.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair a bit and getting a side fringe. I like scene hairstyles a lot but don't know if they'd suit me and don't really know how to cut one myself, but I'm too cheap and too poor to go to a coiffure.

Also been keeping up on my Fitocracy account - I'm almost on level 10 and I'm super excited! I just love that site so much!

All photos from Tumblr.

Darkness in My Heart

All photos from Tumblr