Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Tampere - there and back again

So today was my second time cleaning out my flat in Tampere and moving aaaalll of my things back home with the help from my bf.
I haven't felt this exhausted in a long time, and I think tonight of all nights at least, I will sleep extremely well!

There's a lot of things I need to sort through and try and sell, but a lot of things I will keep and need to find places for them. It also doesn't help that tomorrow I'm taking my bf shopping to Itäkeskus (he hasn't been there in years!) and will probably find more stuff to place in my room.

Goodness gracious me.

Photos will follow on other days!

Tampere trip and OOTD #4

As I said in my earlier post, we went to Tampere with my bf/ex and tried cleaning out my apartment, well it's never all that simple, but we got a lot done and now it's just a matter of finding people to buy a few of my things and then getting them out of there. Also I have to go back with my dad and our bigger car for a few chairs and things. But a lot I through out and a lot a lot I brought home with me.

My entire room is filled with things now and I have to sort through all of them. With a fine toothed comb I might add, since my room doesn't fit all that many clothes that I brought home. Plus some I never wear anyways, might as well through them out to people who do want them!

I drove all the way there and back again and I was paralised for a few hundred miles haha. I'm really not used to driving. But it was fun, I'll tell you that much. Rain and no sunlight makes a good trip yeeeesss.

Here's a few pictures of today and my ginger hair, plus my outfit of the day: sleeping with sirens top and white trousers.

Going to Tampere

To clean out my apartment. I'm leaving Tampere hopefully for good, though I am sad about having to move out of that little apartment. I really liked living there, although it's really not home to me. My home is here in Sipoo, far away from my studies and thus I don't feel like keeping that place in Tampere if I'm not going to use it for the next half a year, or more. I also don't want to pay the rent.

My bf/ex is coming to pick me up at ten, but it's still a while away and I have so much I should do instead of writing this blog. I'm also going to be the one driving to Tampere so please wish me luck, I hate Ring III. I also hate the motorway between Helsinki and Lahti, and I have to use both roads if I want to get to Tampere in any sort of fast way. It's so annoying.
And I've never driven his car so I don't know how it works, and I'm really nervous.

Otherwise my morning has started off relatively well, I feel quite awake, though I shiver like mad (not from cold, since I feel quite warm) and I haven't done any of the chores I need to have done before ten am.

So I'll post something later on about my apartment, show you guys in what a state it was and how it looks after we're done with it!

We're all mad here and troubled with men

Excuse me for the slightly misdirecting title, it's just for obvious advertising purposes. I am not exactly troubled with or by men, but one man in particular and that's my boyfriend. I love him, can't live without him, and I know the same is true for him, but we just can't live with each other.
We haven't moved in with each other or anything, just visiting is too strainful for us. Last time it was the long hours he spent at work that drove me nearly insane, but now it's my medicine that makes me so sleepy that I take like 6 hours' naps every day and am usually sort of falling asleep that are making him behave as though I've really insulted him somehow.

He promised he'd stay for Christmas, and if he'd leave tomorrow morning, that he'd be back for Christmas, but if he goes....I actually doubt he'll come for Christmas.
I've tried suggesting things to do tomorrow, because I know the anger comes from boredom, but he's refusing all those too, so I know he's going to go home tomorrow. And I know he isn't coming back.

So that's probably it again for our relationship, we love each other but we just can't stand being around each other enough that it'd make a difference if we were in a relationship or not. It's not like there's any....you know what I mean.

Some persian art and today's life

We went to Porvoo with my dad today. Our car needed to be checked that it's good for Finnish roads again, it had to be strip searched basically. And I drove both ways, there and back again. It was both amazing and horrible, and I can tell you, I cannot do two things at the same time in the car. Impossible. If I look one way, I immediately turn the car the other way, which is really dangerous and I  should seriously learn out of it. I also take really quick turns, I'm just a bit jerky in every possible way when it comes to driving.

I'm now waiting for my boyfriend to come. I have some things planned for him, so I just can't wait.

Now here's for some persian art:

Tomorrow I'll see my boyfriend again

I really can't wait anymore. We live a few hundred kilometres away from each other, and since I don't own a car or have any money really, it's quite a hassle for me to get there. And now that he's gotten comfortable with my dad (he was a tad nervous in the beginning to say the least) he's looking forward to coming to us. And I can't wait. I'm going to put completely new linen for a double bed in the guest room, so we won't bother my dad if we have to go downstairs every once in a while. Oh the linen are beautiful, they're white with this beautiful slightly golden damasque print.

He's also  going to spend Christmas with us, so he'll hopefully stay the whole week now that he gets here. I'm a tad worried he'll find himself anxious to get away,  mostly due to his lack of social lust, but  I'm sure, I'm absolutely sure, we can work it out somehow.
He's also promised to cut up some wood, so my dad doesn't have to, and help me with shoveling snow if it suddenly starts snowing like mad.

We're also going to go see his mom and her new husband, they're absolutely wonderful people and I can't wait to give her the Christmas present I've prepared. I'm sure she'll love it, there's no way she'll hate it. And I get to see my boyfriend's niece! She's really tiny, just half a year old. I just cannot wait.
We're going to see my boyfriend's dad too maybe, if he's around. I've never met him yet and I'm sort of nervous, but mostly just curious of what he looks like and is he so much like my boyfriend as everyone keeps telling me. I may also see his new wife, but I don't know yet at all...

 

I'll get to show him my gran too, 'cause he'll stay for Christmas dinner and my mom's mom always comes to eat to us on Christmas eve. We've got a duck prepared for that, I'll get to oven roast a whole duck again, I love that! I love duck. I'm a bit nervous about my gran, 'cause she can be a really annoying person sometimes, and I'm hoping she won't tell her (extremely untrue) heroic tales of her life... 

Relationship status changed.

I've been single for a while now, but honestly, I don't mind being single usually.
Now I'm not single anymore, and it's weird, since I'm really really happy, and I know my guy loves me so much. I can see it from him, it's so calming to know that I don't need to stress about our relationship, that it'll hold no matter what.
Although, I do have to say, we did date once before, a year ago, and I ended it after about a month. But I've since realised that I just can't live without him, and living with him as just a friend is impossible. He is my love, my boyfriend and I am his love and girlfriend. It's just not possible any other way.

So yeah, I'm officially in love and dating!

We actually met because of Oscar Wilde!

Day VII: Photoshoot with ex a few days ago

My wonderful ex came to see me all the way from Savonlinna this weekend and took some pictures of me, thought I'd share them with you. He'll be back hopefully next weekend to come and visit again.