Weight Loss - New Starting Point

Today I decided to measure myself completely, which was easy as I'm in a hospital and there's a scale and a measuring band in the room. Here's the data that I'll share with you:

I am at the moment 75,2 kg heavy. I wish to lose at least 15 kgs, but 20 kgs would be amazing.
Chest: 96 cm
Waist: 85 cm
Hips: 112 cm

I will be checking these measurements closely while I diet. As  I said, I will be dieting healthily, so that my body gets what it needs but still loses weight.

Oh and by the way, I have now decided to go lacto-ovo-vegitarian. I won't be eating any meat at all from now on till I don't know when. I want to eat ethically produced meat (cows and sheep that have had a happy life) but I just can't afford that now, so I will have to wait till then to start eating meat again.
With one exception: we always have a whole duck for Christmas dinner. So that's still going to happen.
I will be eating eggs and milk products the same as usual though, I  would prefer to get them ethically as well, but for now not eating meat will have to suffice. At least I'm doing something, right?

Day One of Making Sh*t Happen

Alright.

Now.

I

have

had

enough.

For the past year I've been doing really really badly, I've been depressed and panicky and anxious and gaining massive amounts of weight, wanting to die and just plain giving up. Not anymore, just no, it's no use anyway. I won't kill myself. So I should really make this life something nice enough to enjoy so I won't feel bad all the time, right?

Finally, now I started school again, I've been going to the gym. Well not for the past week, I had guests and seriously no time, but I did walk a lot. Next week again, I promise. It's a lot of fun, I've always liked going to the gym. Let's face it, it's nice to feel sore muscles. The sweating not so much, but I like being sore.

On Friday I finally started eating healthy, I threw all the crap into a box and I'm not gonna touch it. It's mostly chocolates so they'll keep well anyway, I don't need to worry about stuff getting bad. So now I have plenty of really healthy stuff, and I've been keeping a book again because even though it's all obsessive, it's the only way I can keep myself from overeating. And I mean way overeating, like thousands of calories overeating. Not like 20. I don't care about 20. I care about the tub of ice cream I could eat. So, I keep track of everything I eat, so I know it's been nutrious and healthy, and still filling enough to keep me full without having loads of empty calories. And I feel really motivated, so I know this'll hold. Once I get to this feeling, I know it won't go away for quite some time.
I also bought a beautiful skirt from a friend, and it's like 6 sizes too small so yeah, weight loss needed! (Oh and I am way over weight. Not just a bit, but a serious amount that's really really not healthy).

Also, I've been doing really badly with school lately, it's just been way too much and I've had no energy whatsoever. To be honest, I'm not awake until I've slept 9 hours. Right now, I get to sleep about three to five hours every night. I honestly thank God when I can sleep till 7 am. Not kidding. One hour more and it's like heaven.
But hopefully with eating better and exercising, I might actually get some much needed energy, so I won't get sick all the time. And since I obviously suck in Russian, I really need to do my homework. Otherwise I will not get a good grade and I very much need a good grade from languages, 'cause I'm so scared of all these business classes which are all new information to me. Never had to think about market segmentation before.

Oh and just because I'm all motivated and happy and stuff, does not mean I don't fall into despair every now and again. *cough*everynight*cough*
But. I will Homer worry about that.

Today's Thoughts on drinking and working out

Last night was the night when all the new high school graduates went drinking and some of us older students went drinking as well in the village, since we have this small group of older students and the idea was the get more alumnis to join us, but that sort of failed so we just drank the night and had a lot of fun catching up.

Also I drank way too much again. I mean, not as bad as sometimes, I still remember everything and got home safely, but as I was on my bike, it wasn't too easy getting home. I fell like three or four times (not badly, just sort of keeled over) and twisted my ankle in the process. Now I can't do any calf raises for a while. Drinking+biking=BAD IDEA.

Otherwise I'm doing so and so, I feel a tad depressed, mostly because of random and anonymous bitchy comments, completely out of the question that I don't take them personally. I take everything personally, it's a fault that I'm trying my best to work on. Maybe it's something to do with my depression but I just don't know.

I've also been working out a lot more lately, I only have less than a week to my trip to Canada so I'd like to have a few muscles  before I get there. I know I'm not going to be a fit hottie there, but at least I'll have some power if someone tries to rob me or something.
My diet has been an absolute and total failure. I've just gained weight. I'm almost at my heaviest again and I hate it so much. But I've tried to step up again and eat healthy and exercise (mostly lifting weights, because I hate cardio), so I'm slowly on my way to becoming a better version of me again.
I also constantly crave something sweet, but thankfully we don't have anything and I'm way too lazy to start baking something so problem sort of solved.

We've also been trying to cut down on meat consumption with my dad, and eating a lot of vegetarian and vegan dishes. Not because we want to stop eating meat, we both love meat, but because the meat here in the stores is horrible - watery  and rubbery and tastes disgusting. And buying better meat costs so much that it's easier to just cut back.

My smoking has also gotten worse, I'm like a chimney now. I wish I didn't smoke that much, but I don't really know what to do if I don't smoke. I kind of smoke out of boredom, it gives me a minute or two to just enjoy a nice breeze and to stop me from eating out of boredom. Because that's what I do, I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat 'cause I don't feel like I have anything else to do. It's a really bad habit.

I'm also sorry about all the thinspo and fitspo photos I post now, I know they can be triggering to many of you, but they help me keep motivated with my own weight loss, since if other people can look fit and good like that then why not me too? I will look good at some point, I promise. I have to.

Also a small post scriptum: If you have nothing nice to say, don't bother saying anything, I hate jealousy so much and I cannot understand why some people put so much energy into bitching about people that have done nothing wrong. This is the internet guys, everybody edits photos and lies about something, get over it!

“Envy is when you want what someone else has. Jealousy’s when you also don’t want them to have it.”

—	Kirsten Hubbard, Wanderlove

Today's thoughts on getting back on track with weight loss!

So in the past few months I've let myself go completely and have gained weight rather than lost it (and no, it's not muscle, I assure you). But last night I got a terrible urge to lift weights again, so I started again with my workout routine.
It changes every day and since I have no gym nearby, I do everything at home. You may laugh, since I only have 5 kg dumbbells and a 16 kg kettleball (which is really nothing if you really wanna train) but it's sufficed thus far. Not to mention my muscles are so weak now, I can barely lift the 16 kg one. So I only use it for deadlifting rather than anything else.

I'm back on Fitocracy too again and now I levelled up onto level 20! Which is super duper exciting! Sadly the whole page is a bit glitchy so I can't see anything of my feed or anyone else's, just track my own workouts. Thankfully at least that!
I've also gone online to check for more workouts and routines and exercises so that I have some variety in what I do. Also I seem to be in a relatively good condition regardless of my laziness because all the "beginner" exercise plans are just really lame. It's like 10 crunches and 10 this and that. Jesus, I do like 60 in one go. And yes, I do do them correctly, I just don't feel like I've done anything after just 10.

My only problem with all of this is that I really like lifting weights, but I absolutely hate cardio. I just can't stand cardio exercises, mostly because of the immediate outbreak of sweat that comes with it. I hate sweating and I sweat really really really easily. But hey, I suppose it's the price to pay for a good lean body.

I'm also thinking of making my whole diet different and actually looking up on nutrients and where to get them best. Usually my dad cooks and let's just say his diet isn't the best in the world, so making myself eat clean and fresh is a tad difficult with a baconloving father. He's thin though, great metabolism. But I have managed to switch from eating junk snacks into eating healthier snacks like carrots and bell peppers with some cream cheese, so I don't eat chocolate everytime I crave something to eat.
Because let's face it. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I don't really get hungry however long I stay without eating. So I need to regulate my meal times and it's not easy since I usually forget to eat and then I get cravings for random stuff. I'm kinda like a bulimic who doesn't throw up. And yes there is such a thing.

I'd love to find a good PDF file online that talks about nutrition but it seems I'll have to buy an actual book to find anything out. I hate reading stuff online, so I prefer having them as paper.

Now to talk about my problem areas. Okay, I'm fat, so all of my body is a problem area, but nevermind that now. I'm talking about muscles. My arms are so and so, my stomach muscles are surprisingly good, but my leg muscles are absolutely crap. I can barely do squats and god knows about my lunges. I have to hold onto something while doing them 'cause I shudder so much that I lose my balance! I also have huge amounts of scars and cellulite which would be lovely to get rid of. Thankfully I have none of that hard fat in my stomach so I'm basically a healthy fatty but I'm really wibblywobbly. All my fat is under the skin and it looks dreadful.

Last year I was down to about 60 kg. Now I'm almost back at 80. Which is horrible, absolutely horrible. I need to step up and really take control of my life. I should also go jogging which I hate, I prefer running on a treadmill but the nearest treadmill is five kilometres away.

Today's thoughts and workouts

So today I decided to get back on track with my exercising and weight loss, though I haven't really lost the track as more levelled into a track I don't want to be in. However, it's never that simple, because let's face it - the amount of sedatives I'm taking could keep a T-Rex asleep for three days, so how on earth am I going to have the sheer energy to even lift myself off the bed, let alone some weights to add?

I constantly feel tired, I feel like all I could do this moment is just sleep sleep sleep, and that's really all I want to be doing when it's this cold and dreary. I hope very much that it doesn't stay like this for very long, otherwise I'm seriously going to lose it. And I've basically already lost it, kinda why I'm in this mess in the first place.

It's also not the simplest way to try and motivate your weight loss when half the time you keep staring at a bottle of 40 proof and wishing you could just down it in one. Now there's some unnecessary carbs for you, way to go. The cheapo Estonian beer in my room aren't helping either, though it's not really their fault I want to drink them. I can really relate to Bugs's emotions here.

Butttt, here's my goal:

Today's thoughts: 30 Shreds and Fire

We went to my dad's neurologist's appointment today. I won't tell you anything more about that now, not yet.
I should hear from my shrink's office for days now, but nobody tries to call me. I should get a nurse assigned to me, but nothing's happened yet.

It's been really cold now a couple of days, and today it got so cold that my dad was okay with us starting to heat the wood oven in our kitchen. It warms up the whole house really well, so maybe I turn off my radiator once  it's all warm and cozy in my room.

Haven't been feeling very well the last few days. Today I threw up in the morning, felt really really ill. And no, I can't be pregnant. But still, feeling sick like that is not normal for me, I wonder if all the visits to Porvoo hospital gave me some annoying bug that's now reeking havoc in my system.

I bought some bleach today, should dye my hair again, but that'll have to wait till the weekend when we go to sauna. Without the sauna warming the shower area, it's way too cold to strip and shower there... way way too cold. Like 14 degrees centigrade. In our kitchen it's now a nice 16 degrees. In my room more like 22...I really take heat better these days, I need warmer climates.

I haven't had a panic attack today, haven't felt any anxiousness either, just nausea. I feel worried though, but that's because of my dad's thing.

Got something wonderful in the mail as well today! I ordered Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred from CDON.com last week and have been anxiously waiting for it to come and today I got it. It's a real toughy for me, but I'll try my best to keep up! I'll tell you about my progress as the month goes by. Boy did that first 20 minutes shred me totally, but it felt really good finally doing something again, and twenty minutes aren't that much so I can easily do this every day now!

Also got something to collect from the post office, but that I'll do tomorrow.

During photos of my weightloss

My weight has gone down only a few kilos, but I have been trying to keep muscles stick, so hopefully someone will notice the difference. I do, because I can more easily wear clothes that didn't fit me before, but I have yet measured myself (due to cold air and laziness)

Day IX: Food and Medicine

Food diary
Breakfast: 1½ dl strawberry yoghurt 120 kcal
                1 dl berry soup 100 kcal
Lunch: 1 dl mushed salmon and peas 200 kcal
           1 danish pastry 400 kcal
Dinner: 2 tblsp of godonlyknowswhat 50 kcal
           1 small ice cream 200 kcal
Evening snack: 1 dl Gefilus yoghurt 95 kcal
Alltogether:  1145 kcal


Medicine diary
Regulars+
10 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Oxynorm oral x2
5 mg Cipralex x1
x mg somethingtheyhavetoldmethenamebutiforgot x2
14 g Colonsoft x2
1 g Paracetamol x3

Exercise 

A bit of walking around, but I'm way too tired from al the medication to actually do anything. The most exercise I've gotten is writing about 7 pages of a 10 page essay! I did walk around with my friends who came to visit! I was so excited, they're lovely <3

Day VIII: Food and Medicine

Food diary

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast ham (just ham, no toast) 6 kcal
Lunch: ½ cup mashed something  ~200 kcal
Dinner: 1 Magnum 320 kcal
            1 Daim cake 200 kcal
            1 Nutridrink 300 kcal
Alltogether: 1026 kcal

Medicine diary
Regulars plus:
14 g Colonsoft x2
1 g Paracetamol x3
10 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex
20 mg Diazepam
20 mg Diazepam
1 pill Zyprexa
Some new painkiller of which I do not know the name
6 mg Oxanest IM x3
6 mg Oxynorm oral liquid x1

Exercise

Went to the cafeteria with my dad, like always if I'm standing. Did some butt exercises in the bathroom (there's a ballet pole for those people who can't walk without help) and hyperventilated enough to lose a lot of calories. I'd rather be fat than get panic atttacks. Oh well.

I hope tomorrow is better! At least today wasn't awful, it just ended on a pretty bad note, since I got another attack.  I really liked the psychiatric nurse who came to see me, and she'll be back on Monday!

Also here are some cute animal babies:

Day V: Food and Medicine

Nothing new to report here, I will now discontinue telling anything about my regular meds since it's so utterly boring to write about them. Other than that here goes:

Food diary
Breakfast: 1 dl porridge 120 kcal

Lunch: 0,5 dl mushed up meatballs 100 kcal
            2 dl berry quark 200 kcal
Dinner: 2 tblsp of mushed up salmon soup 50 kcal
             1 icecream stick 159 kcal
Snack: Five candies 70 kcal
Alltogether: 699 kcal


Medicine diary
10 mg Oxycontin x2

6 mg Oxanest IM x5
20 mg Diazepam x1
1 pill Zyprexa x1

Exercise
Small walk to the cafeteria and back with my dad

My own weightloss #1 (only adults)

I'm going to start a small series now with pictures of me on my journey to a good, healthy, comfortable and hopefully pretty body.
If someone recognizes me from these pictures, fine, I don't really care. I am just too lazy to remove my tattoos from the photos. They are all censored otherwise so no porno-y bits visible. This is only to inspire weightloss, and notice the difference.

I've also tried recording the amount of cellulite and stretch marks I have (they tend to intertwine as well, so differentiating one from the other is not easy) so you'll be able to see what havoc strong amounts of cortisone can do in a short perioud of time. Please understand that though I these days eat way too much and am overweight because of bad habits, all of the horrible scarring and most of the cellulite is a result of extreme doses of cortisone (methylprednisolon) when I was just 12 years old. I was not fat then, I was just eating my meds that kept me alive. So this sort of change is not always due to "greed".

Here are the shockers (and trust me, they are shocking):

Top: From the front with no underarm flab, bottom: with flab

From behind all muscles relaxed

Stretch marks on the side of my hips all the way to my waist.

More side stretch marks, and some marks from my hospital trousers

Stretch marks on my upper arms, they go all the way from my armpit to my elbow bend

Stretch marks all through my legs, they go from my *krhm* ladyparts all the way down to my ankles

Cellulite showing while butt muscles are not held relaxed

Butt muscles relaxed, you can also see my side hip stretch marks on both sides