Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of death.

Every day I try to stay positive and look at the good things that have happened:
- I can walk without a cane now, I don't need a wheelchair anymore
- My CRP levels have steadily gone down without the help of antibiotics or anything
- My hemoglobin levels have stayed the same and not sunk, which is great, I'm still anemic, but not that much at least
- I can eat and drink without any problems
- My legs and hands aren't as swollen as they were
- I have regained the use of my right hand, which is amazing

But.

Still I can't help but be afraid of what they might find in theiir biopsy of my small intestine. Do I have cancer? What if I have cancer? Do I need chemo?
I'm 23 going on 24, can I even be released from hospital for my own  birthday party or do I have to stay here that long.
Will I live to see the day that I turn 30. Will I ever have children and see them grow up. I would love to have children, I want to see them grow up. I don't want to be under 30 with a deadly disease.
Who would even want me? Who would be so sick in the head that they would want to fall in love and marry a woman who's always sick and might die and leave them a single parent?

These questions keep running through my head and I cannot shut them down. I wish I could. I wish I could just have an off switch for thoughts like that, but I don't. I try my best to be happy and positive but I'm so afraid and feel so alone in the evening and just want to fall asleep and wake up healthy and above all NORMAL.

Selfiemania: For those who don't think I'm Fat

So I took a little photoshoot, since I was absolutely bored and tired, and wanted to show to some people who seem to think I'm not fat that I actually am fat, and here's the proof.

I ♥ Lights

I've always been a fan of good lighting, and I'm an avid fan of choosing different types of lighting for different types of rooms: for example very cold clear, almost natural sunlight kind of light for the bathroom so you see all your flaws (easier to cover them up) and then more warm tones of light in the living room where the ambiance should be relaxed, rather than energetic.
But here you have some beautiful lights from Tumblr:

I know it's still November.......but Christmas!

I love Christmas so much, I start gathering up presents for people very soon after stores have stockpiled on their Christmas-y junk. Then it's easy to find wrapping paper and stuff ike that. This year I'm way behind schedule, big surprise since I'm in hospital.
This year I'm also going to buy some new ornaments, something really pretty. Or and beautiful garlands. And lights! I want to put lots of Christmas lights in my room for some winter ambiance,

Here's some inspiration:

Selfiemania: My normal day at hospital and my hair crisis

I'll start with my hair crisis. Well it's not exactly a crisis, it's just something that's been annoying me for a while now. I was able to cut my fringe here with some really crappy scissors and it turned out just about okay, it does not look good, but at least it's not hideous.
But I would so so so like to dye my hair green-blue, sort of mermaidlike hair, but I can't since I'm in a hospital and just can't do stuff like that. I'd have to bleach first and then use three different hair dyes to get what I want, and it would be such a mess that I think they'd charge me something for the cleaning.
And I am so not doing that.

But to my normal day at hospital:
I wake up around half past six, go and have a smoke.
Then I get some tea (I've refused breakfast 'cause I'm just not hungry that early).
Wait a while for something to happen, have another smoke, see my doctor at around 10:30.
 After that it's most like visitor's time. If no one is coming, I go for a relatively long walk around the hospital, upstairs and then cantine, smoke, downstairs, smoke, back to the ward.
Then it's already lunch time. That's when I actually do eat.
I get all kinds of meds through out the day, including heparin shots to my stomach (which is full of quite beautiful bruises at the moment).
I go for another walk, smoke, take some pain meds because of all the walking around and maybe have a nap.
Usually write some blog post in between some boring activity.
At three or four my dad comes, we go to the cantine, then I get my supper, and around sixish my dad leaves again. I always miss him when he leaves, but he has to go take care of Billie. I wish I could just have Billie here with me all the time.
Then I just wait around for the evening snack which for me is tea, ice cubes and some cheese. I love cheese.
I get my evening meds, and some sedatives, and wait for the ten o'clock when I get my last heparin shot and my sleeping pill. Oh and I do go have a smoke right before nine when the doors to the ward close.
I'm a real chimney here, but it calms me down, so no one has complained about it yet. I will stop smoking at some point, but definitely not now.