Still alive - but still in hospital

I'm still here.
But writing is too hard and I'm in constant pain. I can't use my laptop since it's too heavy, so this will be short.

I don't have sepsis. I may or may not have pneumonia. I have blood clots, one in my leg, two around my liver and possibly some lung embolisms.

The reason why I'm still sane here because of my wonderful dad whose the most important person to me, my bestest friend Hanna whose been an an angel, and all my other amazing friends from school and the the blogosphere (I'm sorry Manette, I can't remember your blog's address...)

I've also gotten help from the psych department and they've been great to me.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Days 5 & 6

Again two days at once, because the things for day 5 I'm sure I've talked about before.

Day 5 - A time in your life you thought about ending your life:
Well, I've thought about killing myself more times than I can count, but most of them were less because of depression and more because of apathy and a wish to just see what would happen afterwards. However, last year I was seriously depressed and was *shows with fingers* this close to killing myself.
I didn't. Thanks to my dad being there. And I will forever be grateful for having him in my life, because without him, I would've killed myself ages ago.
My depression is gone now, completely. My anxiety and panic problems aren't, but they are under control.

Day 6 - 30 interesting facts about yourself:
These are probably not going to be very interesting but hey, we'll see!
1. I talk to all animals I see, even seagulls but to those I usually just say something like "Fuck off"
2. I feel very uncomfortable not having a watch on my wrist
3. And my wrist watch was on Canadian time between June and October. Even though I was in Finland.
4. My favourite past time is to watch TV with my dad and do random general trivia quizzes with him (he's so smart!)
5. I'm constantly thinking of ways to rearrange my room and make it more cozy.
6. I smell like my dad and it's horrible.
7. I have the ginger gene.
8. I'm also part Scottish which kinda explains the ginger gene...
9. My favourite game is Trivial Pursuit the GlobeTrotter edition
10. I like being alone but I get really lonely
11. Numbers are important to me, I love numbers
12. I love shopping and getting my nails and hair done, even though I usually look ridiculously unkempt...
13. It takes about a day for me to start missing my fluffball at home
14. My eyes are green but in certain lights they switch between blue, green and copper.
15. I hate ordinary tap water - I need my drinks carbonated.
16. Depending on the clothes I wear and the make up I have I can look between 16 and 30.
17. One of my exs started calling me Frank and it kinda stuck but I've had more nicknames than I want to count
18. I'd rather be called Frank than my real name, cause most people can't pronounce it properly and it irks me so so much.
19. I don't really know who I am
20. My feet are a size EU39/40 depending on the width. I have wide feet.
21. I have a horrible sense of humour.
22. I think every event has a silver lining
23. In my opinion the best parts of my body are my eyes, fingers and toes.
24. I have penpals (snail mail) and I love them!
25. Which kinda explains how much I love getting mail
26. I can't live without cheese. I love cheese.
27. I think Rainbow Cola is the best cola ever
28. Random trivia makes me go all giddy
29. I don't really drink any hot drinks
30. I'm converting to Catholicism

Back from a long holiday

So this has taken me forever.
Sorry about that.
Well not really, I am sorry for being MIA but I'm not really sorry for having enjoyed my summer. So in June I was in Canada for two weeks, mostly in Toronto (just a day or so in Montreal, out of a whim really), and I had the most amazing time. Safe to say it was the best holiday I've ever had. However, more about that later on when I finally get my photos posted here too.

The summer's been unbelievably warm. Hot actually, and I think I've melted a few times, it's dreadful. I'm  really not one for warm weather, I can't do anything other than drink bottle after bottle of mineral water and it's driving my dad insane. I think I drink like seven litres a day (and to anyone who thinks it is dangerously too much - I'm still alive so booyah get over it, at least I can drink).
I can't sleep whatsoever, so basically this summer has just made my insomnia much much worse, and I can't really ask for help because my shrink is on holiday. So I have my old pills for it, but seeing as they never helped, well, tough luck I suppose.

Speaking of shrinks.  Since I went on holiday in June, I haven't taken a single anti-depressant, anti-anxiety or anti-anythingpill and I feel fabulous.
I think it's safe to say I'm no longer depressed. I am a tad worried about the start of my new school year, because if I start stressing out again, I might need to start taking pills too, but let's just wait and see, shall we?

And yes, I was accepted to Haaga-Helia to become a multilingual management assistant. So from the end of this month on, I will be studying business and languages. Hopefully by the end of the next four years (that's about as long as the studies will take), I'll be able to speak over ten languages. That's my goal anyway. I'd like to get to twenty before I die.
On the 19th I will have a Swedish test to maybe get exempt from the course, because if I have to take another Swedish course with people who can't even say their own names in Swedish I will kill someone. I use Swedish every single day, seriously need to get a free pass.
Anyway other than that I'll have to start studying Chinese, German and French, and I hope that I can choose Russian at some point.

I've also been writing quite a bit. I had about 65 pages of a book written, and I think now it's more like a hundred pages. I always write by hand on paper, so I actually don't know how many pages it really is since I've yet to copy it on the PC. But we'll see. Hopefully! Maybe one day I'll get the courage to let someone actually read it. Would anyone actually be interested?

Bad day's thoughts

I don't know how  I manage to do this, but the simplest thing just ruins a  day and I fail to see a future for myself any longer and I feel like just passing away into oblivion. I wish I didn't have people who cared about me so I would be able to get rid of this feeling and get rid of this life. But then I realise that's a horrible thought to have and just go on like nothing happened.
But a bad day. On a bad day I can't be happy, I can't even really be sad. I just am.

Also I can't sleep anymore at all so I got some more pills to try and help with that. Yay great. More pills, just what the doctor prescribed. Literally.

Hyvä päivä, hyvä päivä, älä tule paha päivä, tule hyvä päivä, ei. Ei se niin toimi. Saan huonon päivän mitä tyhmimmistä ja pienistä syistä ja yhtäkkiä kesken päivän se muuttuu hyvästä huonoksi ja minä menetän haluni elää. En edes tiedä mikä siinä on enää, pelkään vain kuollakseni tulevaa enkä näe siinä mitään hyvää. 

Today's thoughts on Old Toys, Depression and Hair

Today I brought all my old Barbies and their horses to the kindergarten I used to work at, they were super happy about getting the toys and I felt like I had done something really good. I felt like I made their day and I hope I did because that feeling has since faded away.

I had a good day when I woke up. I had a good day when I came back, but after my mid-day nap, I've been feeling horrible. I cut my hair to make me feel more alive, which actually helped and I do like my hair now even though it was horrible difficult to cut and my dad was no help, but it looks nice for someone who doesn't know anything about cutting hair.

Alive is something I really need to feel like, and right now it's not that great. I've been trying to keep myself busy with knitting random things and watching SG-Atlantis and cleaning my room, but I still feel like a failure. I think it might be the sleeping pills I took last night, but maybe I'm just having a bad day again and feel like shit because of it. I'll never know.

I got a package from Crazy Factory again, it's my new stretchers, I already put the three mil in my right ear, let's see how it goes and how long it takes before I can put the four mil in. I also pierced my left ear a second time yesterday, before the photoshoot. I was really afraid it wouldn't stop bleeding before the shoot, because it just bled and bled and bled, but thankfully it stopped after a while of keeping  tissue on it. I should get more piercing stuff from Crazy Factory so I could change my labret and pierce my right ear too and not have asymmetrical ears. I love symmetry.

Now that I cut my hair I feel a lot colder, I don't have all that hair covering my ears and my neck and keeping me warm, so I need a scarf indoors again. Speaking of indoors, cooking, I think we're having liver for evening meal. I like liver but today I don't feel like eating anything, I feel like sleeping and watching nothingness in front of me. I feel like having a panic attack but it just won't come. I feel like crying but I just can't.

Päiväni on ollut vähän siinä ja siinä. Leikkasin hiukseni en vain siksi, että halusin lyhyet hiukset vaan myös sen vaihtelun vuoksi, joka välillä auttaa kestämään tätä elämää. Tänään ei ole ollut kovin hyvä päivä noin henkisesti ajatellen, tunnen oloni aivan turhaksi ja mitättömäksi ja riittämättömäksi enkä tiedä kuinka korvata turhuuteni niille, jotka elämässäni joutuvat tästä kaikesta kärsimään. En tiedä onko tähän syynä masennukseni vai eiliset unilääkkeet, mutta en tunne olevani kotona vaikka olen kotona. En tunne olevani elossa vaikka olen elossa.
Annoin tänään pois vanhoja leluja. Sain postissa lävistyskoruja ja pitäisi ostaa lisää. Oi tätä materialismin onnea.

I didn't mean to be such a burden

 

All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts and grans

My day started as well as a day could, I felt good, I cleaned a bit, I did my Fitocracy even though it's technically my rest day. And all the while I just felt really good and quite happy.
I've been chatting to random people again too, which is always nice getting to know people from all over the world, and I feel like writing letters again - I've been a terrible penpal for the last year.

But then came my gran. For the last four hours I've felt as dreadful as I could under the circumstances, and I hate it. I hate her ruining my day. I had everything carefully planned and I know this is all really childish because I should be happy and I'm lucky to have a gran and everything and it's her birthday, but she just is capable of pushing exactly the buttons to piss the hell out of me.

Anyway I'm going to head off to my room and do some more random cleaning and organising, make me do something to keep my mind off of my gran. Off of all the negative things in my life and concentrate on something useful. I have some ideas for my room so I'll have to check them out as well, I think I'm going to replan some of it!

All photos are from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts and Saturday's Photos

So I went to see my therapist again today, like every Monday now, and I feel really self-conscious about talking with her and being really honest with her, which is stupid, since she's the one person I should talk to honestly about everything, because without my honesty and trust, she can't really help me.

So I was brutally honest with her about my weekend and about my non-existent relationship with my ex, because that's what it is, he's my ex - end of story. And he's angry as well, which a. if I wasn't depressed I might understand since he's feeling the same anxiety about "us" as I did a year ago but b. I am depressed, Jesus effing Christ, I'm so depressed I feel like killing myself half the time and the rest of the time I feel like just lying on my bed and hoping to God my life goes quickly by.

He doesn't understand at all, and then he went on a hissy fit about me not wanting to be with him and let him touch me, but that's it - after I started my meds in hospital I just don't feel like being with people and letting anyone touch me. Let alone him, our relationship when we had one last year was probably the second most taxing relationship I've ever been in. The most taxing being my first which ended in his suicide. I think ever since that I've felt like killing myself.

I started cutting my a bit, trying to tease it into a side fringe - a nice scene hairstyle. I wish I could change the colour just like Tonks so I could go from green to white to pale everything and back to green without doing anything mean, like bleaching, to my hair.

Still in love with Fitocracy, but a tad on the slow side today, just a few exercises thus far, but I will log in more later tonight. Just legs today though and maybe a few presses.

Today's thoughts and being hung over

So I went partying last night. So I had a great time. So I didn't wake up at home. I feel both incredibly happy and like a huge disappointement for my father to have such a drunk disgusting little whore for a daughter.

But this could all be solved with two things a. stop drinking and b. start lying. Then he wouldn't know what a disappointing thing I am and I'd feel happy about remembering my night and the names of the people I met there. Because I met some really really nice people and would like to get together with them on more occasions! I might of course see them at the next event, who knows.

I feel a lot more depressed today than for a while, but I think that's the alcoholic disappointment speaking, rather than the actual depression. Of course it doesn't help that I'm tired, can't sleep and my stomach hurts again like there's a hell in my uterus.

Suppose I'm hung over, but I don't really know what hangovers feel like because I don't usually get them, no matter how much or what I drink. The only thing that ever gave me a headache (and it wasn't a bad one) was sparkly wine, so I'm staying clear of champagnes, but other than that I mix and match and blah and not get any hangover symptoms. Except maybe a slight trembling. But I tremble on a regular basis anyways, so it doesn't really necessarily have to be linked to alcohol.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair a bit and getting a side fringe. I like scene hairstyles a lot but don't know if they'd suit me and don't really know how to cut one myself, but I'm too cheap and too poor to go to a coiffure.

Also been keeping up on my Fitocracy account - I'm almost on level 10 and I'm super excited! I just love that site so much!

All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts on depression and manga

Saw my psychiatric nurse today again, and she's really the sweetest ever. I am happy I'm seeing such a lovely person and I don't have to be afraid of being judged or considered insane by the person who's talking with me and trying to help me. She's really sweet and even though I got dreadful scores on the BDI test (seriously depressing scores), she was really nice to me about it and we went to agree that a high score doesn't mean you're crazy, it's just natural after such a taxing life as mine (and seeing as my life is easy compared to some people's...)

Went to see my gran too today, she can be taxing at times herself, but she's a nice old lady all in all. These days. She didn't use to be. But I won't get into that.

Went to the store too and bought some danish pastries which I'm not going to eat before Saturday since I'm on my 30 day no sugar challenge. Yay, go me. I'm really a weirdo buying cakes when I'm not even allowed to eat them. It's like buying food when you're trying to starve. Well no, not even in the least. It's idiotic to starve yourself, it's a good thing not to eat too much sugar.

Also bought some Japan inspired magazines, one about anime and manga and the other one about both those and music. There are a few events in the next few months about manga and anime and cosplay, and I'm not really sure if I'll go or not, but I wanted to get myself updated on the latest news, 'cause I've been out of the loop for a loong loooong time. It's sad though since I used to be really into both, though much more into manga than anime, but I lost touch with it after beginning my studies and not having any money to buy books and not wanting to read anything online, it just sort of went away. I've lost touch with a lot of my favourite activities because of my studies, and it's sort of sad.

Thoughts of the Day and BDIs

I filled in my BDI test for tomorrow. I had a good day filling it in, so it's not quite as bad as it could be, but I'd say I'm depressed when I look at my answers. I don't sound like a happy and forward looking person. Definitely not how I've been used to feel, and how I used to look at my life. I use to see a life, see something in my future, see a future, and now I don't even want to since all I can think of involves pain and hospitals and it scares the living daylight out of me.

Today I had some really terrible stomach cramps again. Had to take pain killers and didn't even help enough to take the pain completely away. So I've been just sitting and trying to sleep all day and not think about the pain and all the gurgling noises. Make me sick. I always sleep these days. I don't really see a point in doing anything other than sleeping, I just try to get from one day to the next as quickly as possible so I don't have to deal with the not doing anything and not being anything. I could do all sorts of things but I feel like giving up, not writing essays or cleaning my room.

Tomorrow I'll see my psychiatric nurse again, or psychologist, or whatever she is. She's nice though, seems really sweet. Swedishspeaking I imagine, since she has a small accent. I like accents, I like trying to place them on the map. I like trying to place people on the map, I like maps. Don't know why but it feels significant - maps. Like there's something in me that's screaming for me to go to places whilst I still can. Or maybe just run away for a while. Not think about the pain.

Today's thoughts and photos - flu season and make up bags

I got a fever today, not a high one, but high enough to keep me away from the gym and stuck in bed all day. I can barely breathe, my nose is so stuffed. I hate having these tiny little colds every month, I'm so tired of always being sick and not having the strength to get up and do something. I just want to live a normal unsick life. Although I suppose these days that sort of thing isn't normal at all, everybody's sick with something and nobody can get away from life.

I did go see my psychiatric nurse today, even with the cold. Had to go to the pharmacy and bank too, but that's unimportant. I got a BDI test to do, and it seems I am depressed. It's up to her to define how depressed and up to me to figure out why and how to get rid of it. I don't know why I'm depressed. Not really. I know why I'm sad, but sadness doesn't create suicidal thoughts. I think? I don't know. I wish I could see her tomorrow and ask these things from her, but I have to wait a week. I can of course always call her, but I think that would border on annoying.

This is my first month without school work. Without studying. Without essays or exams or lectures. This is my first month of my sabbatical and I don't really feel much better. I feel a bit empty to be honest, but  I know I couldn't handle studying now. I just couldn't handle having to stress over minute things when I'm struggling with life itself.

I pierced my ear yesterday, made a second hole in my left ear. Now I'm letting it heal. I'm stretching my right earlobe now, but first only a little. Hopefully soon I'll get to change the pin into a bigger one. I know it's a slow process, because we don't want any injuries.

Noticed I have way too much make up for one make up bag. I have like five make up bags all full of things, and that's not even all of my make up. And it's stuff I use every now and again, can't just throw them out. I need to get a bigger make up bag, but don't really know where to look or what to look for! Maybe I should go to one of those manly building stuff stores and buy me a huge box for nails and hammers and use that for make up. Might be even a bit cheaper than getting a big make up box...