It's been a good day

Sometimes I feel like maybe this depression is something that doesn't last forever. I haven't done much today, I haven't felt much, but I definitely don't feel hopeless or sad, more like just sane. Normal, ordinary, something calm and happy, I suppose.

I tend to have rather bad mood swings, but today I've been really relaxed and calm, most of the time and have had things to look forward to, with the hair dye and the all the challenges I'm doing. Actually especially with my hair, I'm sort of in happy suspense, because now that I cut it, I have some really healthy happy hair to watch grow! Okay maybe not too healthy since I'm bleaching them like mad, but still, hair growth wohoo!

I'm also looking forward to some things I've ordered online, and hopefully they'll come next week because it's been quite a while already and I'm getting a bit anxious about them. I'll show you guys what they are when I get them!

Also going to see my therapist tomorrow, so we'll see if I can get that shrink's appointment because of my sleeping problems. And I wonder if I should continue on a weekly basis - I probably should - or on a biweekly basis...

Do you have any thoughts regarding that? Have you been to therapy and how long did it last till you felt ready to move on?

I still have this irrational fear of going to hospitals, even though I mostly go voluntarily. And by voluntarily I mean I'm in such pain I can't be out of a hospital anymore, because outside they don't give you the good painkillers, the ones that actually take away the pain. So, I go voluntarily, but I'm still afraid of the place. Really afraid. I hope I can talk about it tomorrow in therapy.

Oh and I'm probably going to punch that septum for me, but before that I've been able to stretch my ears to 4 mm now, yay!


All photos from Tumblr.

Today's thoughts on Old Toys, Depression and Hair

Today I brought all my old Barbies and their horses to the kindergarten I used to work at, they were super happy about getting the toys and I felt like I had done something really good. I felt like I made their day and I hope I did because that feeling has since faded away.

I had a good day when I woke up. I had a good day when I came back, but after my mid-day nap, I've been feeling horrible. I cut my hair to make me feel more alive, which actually helped and I do like my hair now even though it was horrible difficult to cut and my dad was no help, but it looks nice for someone who doesn't know anything about cutting hair.

Alive is something I really need to feel like, and right now it's not that great. I've been trying to keep myself busy with knitting random things and watching SG-Atlantis and cleaning my room, but I still feel like a failure. I think it might be the sleeping pills I took last night, but maybe I'm just having a bad day again and feel like shit because of it. I'll never know.

I got a package from Crazy Factory again, it's my new stretchers, I already put the three mil in my right ear, let's see how it goes and how long it takes before I can put the four mil in. I also pierced my left ear a second time yesterday, before the photoshoot. I was really afraid it wouldn't stop bleeding before the shoot, because it just bled and bled and bled, but thankfully it stopped after a while of keeping  tissue on it. I should get more piercing stuff from Crazy Factory so I could change my labret and pierce my right ear too and not have asymmetrical ears. I love symmetry.

Now that I cut my hair I feel a lot colder, I don't have all that hair covering my ears and my neck and keeping me warm, so I need a scarf indoors again. Speaking of indoors, cooking, I think we're having liver for evening meal. I like liver but today I don't feel like eating anything, I feel like sleeping and watching nothingness in front of me. I feel like having a panic attack but it just won't come. I feel like crying but I just can't.

Päiväni on ollut vähän siinä ja siinä. Leikkasin hiukseni en vain siksi, että halusin lyhyet hiukset vaan myös sen vaihtelun vuoksi, joka välillä auttaa kestämään tätä elämää. Tänään ei ole ollut kovin hyvä päivä noin henkisesti ajatellen, tunnen oloni aivan turhaksi ja mitättömäksi ja riittämättömäksi enkä tiedä kuinka korvata turhuuteni niille, jotka elämässäni joutuvat tästä kaikesta kärsimään. En tiedä onko tähän syynä masennukseni vai eiliset unilääkkeet, mutta en tunne olevani kotona vaikka olen kotona. En tunne olevani elossa vaikka olen elossa.
Annoin tänään pois vanhoja leluja. Sain postissa lävistyskoruja ja pitäisi ostaa lisää. Oi tätä materialismin onnea.