Today's thoughts on Old Toys, Depression and Hair

Today I brought all my old Barbies and their horses to the kindergarten I used to work at, they were super happy about getting the toys and I felt like I had done something really good. I felt like I made their day and I hope I did because that feeling has since faded away.

I had a good day when I woke up. I had a good day when I came back, but after my mid-day nap, I've been feeling horrible. I cut my hair to make me feel more alive, which actually helped and I do like my hair now even though it was horrible difficult to cut and my dad was no help, but it looks nice for someone who doesn't know anything about cutting hair.

Alive is something I really need to feel like, and right now it's not that great. I've been trying to keep myself busy with knitting random things and watching SG-Atlantis and cleaning my room, but I still feel like a failure. I think it might be the sleeping pills I took last night, but maybe I'm just having a bad day again and feel like shit because of it. I'll never know.

I got a package from Crazy Factory again, it's my new stretchers, I already put the three mil in my right ear, let's see how it goes and how long it takes before I can put the four mil in. I also pierced my left ear a second time yesterday, before the photoshoot. I was really afraid it wouldn't stop bleeding before the shoot, because it just bled and bled and bled, but thankfully it stopped after a while of keeping  tissue on it. I should get more piercing stuff from Crazy Factory so I could change my labret and pierce my right ear too and not have asymmetrical ears. I love symmetry.

Now that I cut my hair I feel a lot colder, I don't have all that hair covering my ears and my neck and keeping me warm, so I need a scarf indoors again. Speaking of indoors, cooking, I think we're having liver for evening meal. I like liver but today I don't feel like eating anything, I feel like sleeping and watching nothingness in front of me. I feel like having a panic attack but it just won't come. I feel like crying but I just can't.

Päiväni on ollut vähän siinä ja siinä. Leikkasin hiukseni en vain siksi, että halusin lyhyet hiukset vaan myös sen vaihtelun vuoksi, joka välillä auttaa kestämään tätä elämää. Tänään ei ole ollut kovin hyvä päivä noin henkisesti ajatellen, tunnen oloni aivan turhaksi ja mitättömäksi ja riittämättömäksi enkä tiedä kuinka korvata turhuuteni niille, jotka elämässäni joutuvat tästä kaikesta kärsimään. En tiedä onko tähän syynä masennukseni vai eiliset unilääkkeet, mutta en tunne olevani kotona vaikka olen kotona. En tunne olevani elossa vaikka olen elossa.
Annoin tänään pois vanhoja leluja. Sain postissa lävistyskoruja ja pitäisi ostaa lisää. Oi tätä materialismin onnea.

How I got into Modelling

First of all I read what miss Mortianna said on her blog Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse on her journey into modelling. She had great advice there so you should all check it out!

What I did was first get into a Facebook group about TFCD photography, which basically means that both the photographer and the model own the photos but neither is allowed to make money with them. The group I joined is for Finland and rather well controlled, so I felt safe with meeting with the photographers, though I am a young woman and I've only been in photoshoots with older men. It can be a bit awkward if you're not used to that sort of thing. Also since my photoshoots have been rather daring to say the least, it's been something I've even had to get used to, because I'm not quite that daring in real life. There's the model me and the real me.

Second I posted my information on the site and got a private message from one photographer. After the first shoot I created my own modelling folder into the group and added the photos there, after that I have gotten private messages from two other photographers. I've now done three photoshoots and am hoping for a fourth and umpteenth one in the future! Because modelling is just so much fun!

The ideas for photoshoots have mostly come from the model, me, but the photoshoot itself goes depending on the photographer either to their ideas or my ideas, but mostly it's a collaboration of ideas and creativity to create something beautiful as the outcome. You should always listen to the photographers directions because they know how it looks on camera, and you should never get yourself into a position your not comfortable with - so if the ideas are too out there for you, say something because you're not allowed to be forced into anything.

It's also really really important that you check the photographer out beforehand - you check that they have a portfolio, you check their activities, you google their name, everything, because you do not want to end up with some pervy idiot in a warehouse!


Päädyin mallinhommiin miss Mortiannan ideoinnin jälkeen ja liityin lopulta Facebookissa ryhmään, joka hoitaa TFCD-kuvauksia, joissa sekä mallilla että kuvaajalla on oikeudet kuviin, mutta kuvilla ei saa tehdä rahaa.
Kirjoitin tietoni ylös mallikansioon ja sain heti yhteydenoton kuvaajalta. En tuntenut häntä enkä myöhempiä kuvaajia aikaisemmin, mutta se ei minua haitannut, sillä kun katsoin heidän portfolionsa ja aktiviteettinsä ryhmässä uskaltauduin heidän seuraansa. Muista aina tarkistaa kuvaajan tiedot, ettet joudu minnekään jonkin kriipin idiootin kanssa! 
Ideat kuviin tulivat niin minulta kuin valokuvaajaltakin ja näin se myös kuvauksessa tapahtuu, tietenkin riippuen kuvaajasta ja aiheesta, mutta kaikkea saa ehdottaa ja katsoa miten käy!

Jos on jotain kysyttävää vielä, kysy ihmeessä, vastaan mielelläni!
If you have any more question I'd love to answer!

In English ....and in Finnish?

I got asked on Facebook if I'm really a Finn and could I maybe write in Finnish as well.
So here's the answer:

1. I am a Finn, but only half so, my other half, from dad's side, is from Switzerland, you know the country with the national votes, the mountains and the chocolate. I'm at heart Swiss, rather than Finnish, but let's not get into that now.

2. I write in English because I'm so used to using English in everyday life since many many years now. I think in English so why not write in it? However, I can write Finnish and if it makes you guys happy, I can add a little something in Finnish after every post. I won't write the entire post in Finnish as well, because the sheer workload would make me want to kill myself, not quite literally, so yeah...
I grew up with two languages, Finnish and Swiss German. I can speak five languages. I can write in any of them, though my written High German ssuuuucccks.

Sain kysymyksen Facessa, että voisinko kirjoittaa postaukseni myös suomeksi, koska kaikki eivät osaa englantia niin hyvin. Tottakai voin, mutta en aio kirjoittaa kaikkia postauksiani läpi myös suomeksi, koska se on kauhea määrä työtä ja koska ajattelen sekä kirjoitan luonnollisemmin englanniksi kuin suomeksi (vaikka se äidinkieleni onkin) niin en aio muuttaa tätä tapaa kokonaan. Minulta myös kysyttiin syntyperästäni ja siihenkin on yksinkertainen vastaus - minulla kaksoiskansalaisuus Suomen ja Sveitsin kanssa. Olen isän puolelta puoleksi sveitsiläinen ja sydän onkin sielläpäin vaikka koti täällä Suomessa onkin. 

Ilari Lehtinen

All photos from Tumblr

So I cut my Hair

 Before:

After:

Outfit of the Day 20.2.2014

Should I cut my hair?

I really feel like cutting my hair again, I think the short hair suited me and it would be so much easier to clean and dry and everything. What do you guys think, should I have the courage to snap off my locks?

All photos from Tumblr