Back from a long holiday

So this has taken me forever.
Sorry about that.
Well not really, I am sorry for being MIA but I'm not really sorry for having enjoyed my summer. So in June I was in Canada for two weeks, mostly in Toronto (just a day or so in Montreal, out of a whim really), and I had the most amazing time. Safe to say it was the best holiday I've ever had. However, more about that later on when I finally get my photos posted here too.

The summer's been unbelievably warm. Hot actually, and I think I've melted a few times, it's dreadful. I'm  really not one for warm weather, I can't do anything other than drink bottle after bottle of mineral water and it's driving my dad insane. I think I drink like seven litres a day (and to anyone who thinks it is dangerously too much - I'm still alive so booyah get over it, at least I can drink).
I can't sleep whatsoever, so basically this summer has just made my insomnia much much worse, and I can't really ask for help because my shrink is on holiday. So I have my old pills for it, but seeing as they never helped, well, tough luck I suppose.

Speaking of shrinks.  Since I went on holiday in June, I haven't taken a single anti-depressant, anti-anxiety or anti-anythingpill and I feel fabulous.
I think it's safe to say I'm no longer depressed. I am a tad worried about the start of my new school year, because if I start stressing out again, I might need to start taking pills too, but let's just wait and see, shall we?

And yes, I was accepted to Haaga-Helia to become a multilingual management assistant. So from the end of this month on, I will be studying business and languages. Hopefully by the end of the next four years (that's about as long as the studies will take), I'll be able to speak over ten languages. That's my goal anyway. I'd like to get to twenty before I die.
On the 19th I will have a Swedish test to maybe get exempt from the course, because if I have to take another Swedish course with people who can't even say their own names in Swedish I will kill someone. I use Swedish every single day, seriously need to get a free pass.
Anyway other than that I'll have to start studying Chinese, German and French, and I hope that I can choose Russian at some point.

I've also been writing quite a bit. I had about 65 pages of a book written, and I think now it's more like a hundred pages. I always write by hand on paper, so I actually don't know how many pages it really is since I've yet to copy it on the PC. But we'll see. Hopefully! Maybe one day I'll get the courage to let someone actually read it. Would anyone actually be interested?

In English ....and in Finnish?

I got asked on Facebook if I'm really a Finn and could I maybe write in Finnish as well.
So here's the answer:

1. I am a Finn, but only half so, my other half, from dad's side, is from Switzerland, you know the country with the national votes, the mountains and the chocolate. I'm at heart Swiss, rather than Finnish, but let's not get into that now.

2. I write in English because I'm so used to using English in everyday life since many many years now. I think in English so why not write in it? However, I can write Finnish and if it makes you guys happy, I can add a little something in Finnish after every post. I won't write the entire post in Finnish as well, because the sheer workload would make me want to kill myself, not quite literally, so yeah...
I grew up with two languages, Finnish and Swiss German. I can speak five languages. I can write in any of them, though my written High German ssuuuucccks.

Sain kysymyksen Facessa, että voisinko kirjoittaa postaukseni myös suomeksi, koska kaikki eivät osaa englantia niin hyvin. Tottakai voin, mutta en aio kirjoittaa kaikkia postauksiani läpi myös suomeksi, koska se on kauhea määrä työtä ja koska ajattelen sekä kirjoitan luonnollisemmin englanniksi kuin suomeksi (vaikka se äidinkieleni onkin) niin en aio muuttaa tätä tapaa kokonaan. Minulta myös kysyttiin syntyperästäni ja siihenkin on yksinkertainen vastaus - minulla kaksoiskansalaisuus Suomen ja Sveitsin kanssa. Olen isän puolelta puoleksi sveitsiläinen ja sydän onkin sielläpäin vaikka koti täällä Suomessa onkin. 

Ilari Lehtinen

All photos from Tumblr

We are the fallen angels

Spent my day in hospital again, got horrid stomach cramps and couldn't stand it, so I called an ambulance and off we went. Nothing terrible, but the pain was just too much to bare. Oh well, hopefully doesn't come back. Also my CRP was over 20 again.

I'm writing again today, finally got some inspiration to go on with! I usually find some music to inspire my writing, so here comes a small list of what I've been listening to now that I'm writing my novel longer and longer.

I should be writing essays, instead I'm writing a blog

I have two more essays to write before the end of the week, and one essay to write before the 21st, but goodness me, I haven't done anything really fruitful in over three days when it comes to those essays. I've been writing my blog like mad, but not my essays.
Although, I have written 7 pages of one of them, but it still needs another 5 pages, so it doesn't really count.

I should also be reading two books in Swedish for my literature course, but oh I've just about begun the first one, so I think I'll have to tell the teacher I won't be able to finish the course after all. I'm just so busy trying to get my head straight, that all this school stress is making me wanna do things I really really shouldn't be doing.
I wanna drink so bad, but I can't 'cause of my pills. I wanna smoke, but I stopped already and it's been going great, but oh the wishful thinking of all these mindaltering substances with all my pills, not a good idea and I won't do them, but oh I'd love to.
I've already had to tell a multitude of teachers, yes, a multitude, that I cannot finish their course. One I've told I'd love to, but she hasn't even answered me back. I find that offensively rude.

On a brighter note, I got my new IKEA bed and it's half finished! Spent all of last night sleeping on the floor on my blanket under a second blanket, 'cause there was no room for a mattress...

Letters, beautiful letters on papers, life's a dreary adventure without the comfort of writing

I cannot write anything to this post. Not more than this.
I find comfort in writing.
I write letters.
I write novels.
I write short stories.
Poems.
I love to philosophise.
I love to write essays.
I write sometimes with my bs generator on.
Poems.
I can't crack them, but I love them.
And nothing gives me more joy than the post I get from others.
And what I can send to friends and family.

Day XIII: My academic day

Yes, today will be a very academic day for me. I will stop thinking about all other things apart from essays. I will only write my essays.
As if that's going to happen. But no, seriously, I do need to write. I need to write alltogether about 60 pages of essays before the end of the year, which to be honest, sounds horrible but isn't all that much. I'm at the moment writing a 20 page essay, haven't gotten past page 2 but I still know I'll manage twenty pages in no time. It's always the subject that's the problem. If the subject feels bad, something boring or difficult, you know immediately that you can't write that much about it. But if it feels interesting, it doesn't matter how hard, you'll still do it.

I suppose I have mentioned about my studies and about the fact that I'm 20 ECTS (study points) away from being a Bachelor of Arts, yes? I studiy humanities, or to be precise, English philology (yes yes I know it sounds like philosophy but it has nothing to do with that). I've been studying for 3½ years now, and I feel it's time to move on. I will finish after my BA and start something else.
I would really like to get into a polytechnic and study international business, but we'll see if I get through the exams. In any case, I don't want to go to Tampere anymore, I want to stay at home, in the south. I want to stay at home with my dad and our dogs. So for at least half a year I won't attend any school.
I will get my BA done before the end of the year, which means that spring semester I will ask Kela not to pay me any benefits, and will just be on a unpaid holiday for the time being.

All this illness and being in hospital and the stress of school alltogether have made me realise that I really need some time off, I just can't do it anymore, not like this. I need some time just for me. Just for my family and enjoy my life so that I get my mental health into order as well.
I will also get rid of my apartment in Tampere, so I'll have to go there with my dad to pack up things, and then I'll sell all the furniture and give the keys back to TOAS.
This is my plan, and personally, I feel it's a good plan, I've gotten approval for it from many people I know, people who are very close to me, so I think it will go just right.
But now, it's time for me to write those essays, otherwise I'll be stuck in blogger all day!