Today's thoughts on short hair and photoshoots

I just haven't gotten used to having short hair yet, I keep getting a cold neck and wanting to open my bun and realising I don't have my hair in a bun, I've cut them. I think they look good on most days, maybe make me look a bit more boyish than I like, but nevertheless on a grand scale I quite like them. Just a matter of getting used to not having longer hair. Kind of like when you don't have a wristwatch and you keep  checking the time off of an empty wrist. It's so frustrating, but it's not somehow terrible, it's just a matter of getting used to it.

I might have a photoshoot today, might. A photographer should come round and look at our sheds and woods and see if he'd like to have a photoshoot there, but  I don't know if he's only coming to check things out, or if he's prepared to have the photoshoot right then and there. I'm a bit nervous.
Especially since my dad doesn't like the idea one single bit, he's absolutely refused the house and garden to be in photos, so it'll only be sheds and woods for us, which is perfectly fine for me, as I was thinking of those anyways, but I wish he was in a better mood of the whole thing. I think he needs to eat first too...

Anyway the photographer is coming at noon, so we still have plenty of time to get used to the idea.  I hope it all goes well.
I'm a lot nervous actually. I'm kinda afraid he'll want to photograph some of the house and I'll have to deny him from that and I'll get a bad reputation as a model, which is ridiculous loss of self-confidence at this point, but hey, that's me. I have no self-confidence no matter what I sound like or seem like here or in real life. I always have this voice of absolute and incessent insecurity rambling idiotic thoughts in my head.

I've packed a bunch of clothes and make up ready in a bag in a room where my dad doesn't have to meet the guy and Billie can't get in there, so it'll be easier to work around the whole "seeing the house" bit. God I'm so nervous.

My sleep has been a bit of an issue here as well. I'm still not sleeping very well and I take a lot of medicine to try and make me sleep. It's ridiculous. I've already years ago tried everything medical and non-medical and now they're just redoing all the medical stuff, just with bigger doses. I take like  five different meds to help me sleep and that's not counting diazepam which I need when I get really anxious. And I do still get anxiety breakdowns, it's even more ridiculous. Nothing in my life is worth getting anxious about and still I can't shake the feeling of insecurity and fear, plain fear running through my body. And then I start hyperventilating. Thankfully I haven't had a full blown panic attack in quite some time now, I'm really happy about that.

All photos are from Tumblr.

And here's a small vlog in Finnish:

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 9 Someone you love

This one was easy, but getting a photo wasn't! My dad doesn't want to be in my blog, so no he's in with censorship!

Today's thoughts: 30 Shreds and Fire

We went to my dad's neurologist's appointment today. I won't tell you anything more about that now, not yet.
I should hear from my shrink's office for days now, but nobody tries to call me. I should get a nurse assigned to me, but nothing's happened yet.

It's been really cold now a couple of days, and today it got so cold that my dad was okay with us starting to heat the wood oven in our kitchen. It warms up the whole house really well, so maybe I turn off my radiator once  it's all warm and cozy in my room.

Haven't been feeling very well the last few days. Today I threw up in the morning, felt really really ill. And no, I can't be pregnant. But still, feeling sick like that is not normal for me, I wonder if all the visits to Porvoo hospital gave me some annoying bug that's now reeking havoc in my system.

I bought some bleach today, should dye my hair again, but that'll have to wait till the weekend when we go to sauna. Without the sauna warming the shower area, it's way too cold to strip and shower there... way way too cold. Like 14 degrees centigrade. In our kitchen it's now a nice 16 degrees. In my room more like 22...I really take heat better these days, I need warmer climates.

I haven't had a panic attack today, haven't felt any anxiousness either, just nausea. I feel worried though, but that's because of my dad's thing.

Got something wonderful in the mail as well today! I ordered Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred from CDON.com last week and have been anxiously waiting for it to come and today I got it. It's a real toughy for me, but I'll try my best to keep up! I'll tell you about my progress as the month goes by. Boy did that first 20 minutes shred me totally, but it felt really good finally doing something again, and twenty minutes aren't that much so I can easily do this every day now!

Also got something to collect from the post office, but that I'll do tomorrow.

Today's Thoughts and MRIs

Woke up in the morning feeling nothing like I should after a good long sleep, seeing as I woke up at five am again and couldn't sleep any longer.
Waited till 7 am to really get up, but got bored a few moments later. Finally started eating breakfast, I usually skip the whole thing and it's not a good idea. I've started eating porridge now every day to keep me going in the morning. Drank a few cups of coffee too, but that doesn't help.

Today was dad's MRI, I went with him though I'm sure he could've done it without me. It's just nicer not being all alone in a hospital I think. We still don't know what's wrong with him and I'm really scared of what might come out of all of it. I'm really nervous for him. I hope it's something treatable, something cureable.

I should start drawing again, been itching to draw for days, but just haven't found the right sort of moment to do that. I need a good place to sit and watch something, but our living room is way too cold for drawing and my bed just doesn't give the right sort of seating for my drawing. I don't know. I'm rambling now.
I'm just nervous.

I should get a call from my future therapist either today or beginning of next week. Not going to see a shrink for my therapy but some other person, someone less important than a doctor I presume. I don't really care anymore, I feel fine now since half of my stress has been controlled. I did all my school work now and should get my BA out any day now! So I'm really excited about that and not at all nervous about school anymore. The only thing to do now is to empty the flat in Tampere and give back the keys to TOAS (Tampere student housing).

I need something to do. Something that'd keep me warm. I should clean too. I should get internet in my room so I could spend more time on my laptop,  but there's no internet cable there. So I have to sit here in the entree in the cold. It's not even that cold, but I feel cold. I feel cold all the time now. I don't even know why.

I I I I all my text start with that. So bye now. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst!

Some persian art and today's life

We went to Porvoo with my dad today. Our car needed to be checked that it's good for Finnish roads again, it had to be strip searched basically. And I drove both ways, there and back again. It was both amazing and horrible, and I can tell you, I cannot do two things at the same time in the car. Impossible. If I look one way, I immediately turn the car the other way, which is really dangerous and I  should seriously learn out of it. I also take really quick turns, I'm just a bit jerky in every possible way when it comes to driving.

I'm now waiting for my boyfriend to come. I have some things planned for him, so I just can't wait.

Now here's for some persian art:

Today's thoughts on life and driving

So today has been quite an eventful one. First of all, I woke up at my usual time, around sevenish in the morning, but didn't expect that after two seconds the lights would go out. No electricity for over an hour, so we spent the morning with my dad staring at each other by the kitchen table and not really knowing what to do.
I lit up some candles and started reading, but my dad's eyes aren't as young as mine, so he had nothing to do whatsoever, so we decided to just skip the whole breakfast thing and sleep instead. I didn't sleep, I just sat on my new bed and started doing some of them home workouts. I have some weights as well in my room so I just played a boxer with them in my hands. My arms are already a bit sore.

Then the power came back on, but we went and skipped the whole breakfast thing again and instead went to the post office, the store, another post office, my grans for breakfast, the bank and the computer shop where my dad picked up his new computer! His old one is sort of dying...

Then when were on our way back, I suggested we take our bernese and go to Porvoo to Eurokangas to buy some fabrics. Eurokangas is a fabric store. My dad wasn't very happy with the idea, but came around to it anyways. So I bought some 9 metres of faux velvet and some 3 metres of velvety lycra.

And all this time I drove. I never drive. But these last few weeks of being  home, I've started to ask my dad if I could drive our car, because I think I need to learn how to drive with it (it's big and bulky and I don't like driving big cars) since we don't know if my dad's condition is going to worsen by the years. I mean, he is already almost seventy and he might have a neurological thing like ALS or MS and I don't even want to think of it, but I need to because I want to be there to help. So I need to learn how to drive (got my license like four years ago though...).

Anyway, long day, and now I'm bleaching my hair the second time around, let's see how that turns out! Maybe I'll post some green pictures later tonight!

Cleaning out my closet

Not really. Just my entire room. And my dad's room, since a lot of my stuff was still in there after we switched bedrooms. A lot of his stuff was in my room as well, so we took the entire evening into cleaning out both our closets, and trying to make the most of it even though my dad's neck is a pain in the neck (ha ha) and I'm sick with just  common cold now on top of everything bloody else.

Anyway, I'm slightly starting to feel like my own room is my room really, and not just my parent's old bedroom. It's really coming to me now, and it feels really good.
I burnt a scented candle and some aromatic oils in there as well, and it smells so good. It's like an orangerie in there now, such a beautiful mixture of bergamot, rose and orchids, and I've put up some paintings and photos up on the walls and feel much more comfy in there now.

Oh and I found some really old photos and frames of my dad as a baby and my Swiss gran, and it's awesome, I get to keep all of them and put them on my walls! I'm so happy right now.

I also have a double mattress, as in two singles on top of each other, feels really weird 'cause the one on top is bigger than the one below!
But it's okay, 'cause tomorrow I should get my new bed, and then I can put both of them on there, the smaller one on top.

Mail came today for me, a few packages from the UK, one from Forever 21 with two shorts in it, and one from Osiris with loads of stuff in it, going to show you later both of them, but not today, not today. Also got a package from the US with Pusheen stuff in it, the cute lil' t-shirt with 'classy English gentelman Pusheen' on it and a little notepad, all from Hey Chickadee.

Now I'm going to go clean again, which is really weird, 'cause I hate cleaning...

Thankfully there's some inspiration on Youtube: