Every day I try to stay positive and look at the good things that have happened:
- I can walk without a cane now, I don't need a wheelchair anymore
- My CRP levels have steadily gone down without the help of antibiotics or anything
- My hemoglobin levels have stayed the same and not sunk, which is great, I'm still anemic, but not that much at least
- I can eat and drink without any problems
- My legs and hands aren't as swollen as they were
- I have regained the use of my right hand, which is amazing
But.
Still I can't help but be afraid of what they might find in theiir biopsy of my small intestine. Do I have cancer? What if I have cancer? Do I need chemo?
I'm 23 going on 24, can I even be released from hospital for my own birthday party or do I have to stay here that long.
Will I live to see the day that I turn 30. Will I ever have children and see them grow up. I would love to have children, I want to see them grow up. I don't want to be under 30 with a deadly disease.
Who would even want me? Who would be so sick in the head that they would want to fall in love and marry a woman who's always sick and might die and leave them a single parent?
These questions keep running through my head and I cannot shut them down. I wish I could. I wish I could just have an off switch for thoughts like that, but I don't. I try my best to be happy and positive but I'm so afraid and feel so alone in the evening and just want to fall asleep and wake up healthy and above all NORMAL.
