Food diary
Breakfast: 2 slices of thin ham 12 kcal
½ berry yoghurt 60 kcal
Lunch: ½ cup of lamb soup 100 kcal
1 cup berry crumble with vanilla quark 300 kcal
Dinner: 1 cup of potato-cauliflower-turkey-gratine 350 kcal
Snacks: 2 pieces of chocolate 60 kcal
1 small hot chocolate 200 kcal
Alltogether: 1082 kcal
Medicine diary
Regulars+
5 mg Oxycontin x2
5 mg Cipralex x1
x mg Neurontin x3
14 g Colonsoft x2
5 mg Zyprexa x1
2 mg Oxynorm x2
x mg Diapam x2
Exercise
Short walk to the cafeteria
80 crunches
20 squats and 10 minute sitting against a wall, whatever it's called
10 lunges on each leg
30 pushups
And one hour long panic attack
27.11.13
Photos XXI: Bohemian Interiors
Some more inspiration for my bedroom project. Always been a fan of a bohemian sort of lifestyle. Love the colours and the atmosphere, as well all the clutter. Though I do say, I live with clutter and it's not that much fun!
Day XIV: Depression can really hit you
I never thought I'd be on anti-depressants. I never even thought I was ever depressed, although to be honest, even now I'm not getting anti-depressants because of depression. I'm getting them for anxiety. I have anxiety issues, getting the panic attacks and not being able to end them. The anti-depressants are there to help me not to get that many panic attacks and keep them lighter, so I'd be able to maybe stop them. I'm also getting sedatives in the evening, so I won't wake up in the middle of the night knowing I'm in hospital and getting an immediate panic attack.
Which is what has happened a few times, I can tell you, my goodness. It's quite clear that my issue is nowhere near as bad as some people's, I'm not that depressed, not that anxious, but it's all subjective. For me, this is really difficult, because I'm used to just going through my life, which hasn't been an easy one, and just letting it flow. I've gone with the flow, if I can use a cliche here. But it's clearly taken it's toll, now I want to have these meds. Now I want to see a shrink. Yes, still going to call them shrinks.
I'm sort of afraid that when I get home now, that all this will continue. That I'll still get panic attacks, like I did in the summer. I don't want to, they're horrible and they make me really afraid of what will happen if I just keep having them. Because I've been in a panic attack for almost eight hours at the worst, and it's really really horrible hyperventilating for eight straight hours. Those were in hospitals though, thankfully, at home they never lasted that long, I got to take enough meds to keep me calm enough, but not anymore.
I don't really know what medication and in what doses I'm going to get home. I know I'm getting Cipralex, the anti-depressant, and Zyprexa, the sedative, but in what doses and what times and whatwhowherewhathow? Also I'm getting Neurontin in some doses to take at home, but I don't know yet about that either. It's too early to tell. I also don't know what kind of a shrink I'll see after this and that scares the living shit out of me, because I hate shrinks. I hate the look I usually get, that really condescending look, that makes you want to just yell you're better than they are and storm out. I've been lucky here in hospital, the shrink and the nurse are both lovely, just wonderful people, and I feel comfortable talking to them. I hope I'll get someone like that afterwards too. Someone I can talk to. Otherwise I'll have to ask for another, and there may be no other and what will I do then?
Scared I am, as Yoda might put it. Anxious. I'll get on Saturday if all goes well. Completely discharged. It's a fantastic thing, I've been in hospitals for three weeks now, it's getting really tiresome. I miss home. I really relaly want to go home. But at the same time - scared. Because of what if I get pains, what if I get panics, I don't know what to do.
I hope I will find out. And I will have my dad there all the time, so that will help me a lot. It will really keep me going more than this sitting around alone for most of the day in a room trying to write essays for teachers.
Which is what has happened a few times, I can tell you, my goodness. It's quite clear that my issue is nowhere near as bad as some people's, I'm not that depressed, not that anxious, but it's all subjective. For me, this is really difficult, because I'm used to just going through my life, which hasn't been an easy one, and just letting it flow. I've gone with the flow, if I can use a cliche here. But it's clearly taken it's toll, now I want to have these meds. Now I want to see a shrink. Yes, still going to call them shrinks.
I'm sort of afraid that when I get home now, that all this will continue. That I'll still get panic attacks, like I did in the summer. I don't want to, they're horrible and they make me really afraid of what will happen if I just keep having them. Because I've been in a panic attack for almost eight hours at the worst, and it's really really horrible hyperventilating for eight straight hours. Those were in hospitals though, thankfully, at home they never lasted that long, I got to take enough meds to keep me calm enough, but not anymore.
I don't really know what medication and in what doses I'm going to get home. I know I'm getting Cipralex, the anti-depressant, and Zyprexa, the sedative, but in what doses and what times and whatwhowherewhathow? Also I'm getting Neurontin in some doses to take at home, but I don't know yet about that either. It's too early to tell. I also don't know what kind of a shrink I'll see after this and that scares the living shit out of me, because I hate shrinks. I hate the look I usually get, that really condescending look, that makes you want to just yell you're better than they are and storm out. I've been lucky here in hospital, the shrink and the nurse are both lovely, just wonderful people, and I feel comfortable talking to them. I hope I'll get someone like that afterwards too. Someone I can talk to. Otherwise I'll have to ask for another, and there may be no other and what will I do then?
Scared I am, as Yoda might put it. Anxious. I'll get on Saturday if all goes well. Completely discharged. It's a fantastic thing, I've been in hospitals for three weeks now, it's getting really tiresome. I miss home. I really relaly want to go home. But at the same time - scared. Because of what if I get pains, what if I get panics, I don't know what to do.
I hope I will find out. And I will have my dad there all the time, so that will help me a lot. It will really keep me going more than this sitting around alone for most of the day in a room trying to write essays for teachers.
Photos XIX: Make up to cheer me up!
Every once in a while between writing this blog and writing my essay, I do get a tad bored. And a tad sad. So what I do to cheer me up, is take a lot of selfies, put some make up one and again take a lot of selfies. So this is what I did: I have with me a part of my collection of Geek Chic Cosmetics eyeshadows (I love them, and on Friday I will place an order there to get more!) and decided to play around with them. The shades I used were Born in Fire, Kingslayer and Ambassador.
I also used my old Wet n' Wild black eyeshadow to slightly darken my eyebrows. I have nearly black eyebrows, but I've been plucking the hell out of them, so they don't seem as dark anymore. Also used some as eyeliner under my bottom lashes. Ambassador is a dark purple shade, sort of more red than blue with these beautiful golden glitters, Kingslayer is a creamy white with white sparkles and Born in Fire is a violet shade with really bright pink glitters. They're my absolute favourites of all the shades I bought last time, and but we'll see if my new order on Friday gives me new favourites!
I also used my old Wet n' Wild black eyeshadow to slightly darken my eyebrows. I have nearly black eyebrows, but I've been plucking the hell out of them, so they don't seem as dark anymore. Also used some as eyeliner under my bottom lashes. Ambassador is a dark purple shade, sort of more red than blue with these beautiful golden glitters, Kingslayer is a creamy white with white sparkles and Born in Fire is a violet shade with really bright pink glitters. They're my absolute favourites of all the shades I bought last time, and but we'll see if my new order on Friday gives me new favourites!
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| Ambassador and Kingslayer |
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| Ambassador and Kingslayer |
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| Ambassador and Kingslayer |
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| Ambassador and Kingslayer |
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| Born in Fire and Kingslayer |
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| Born in Fire and Kingslayer |
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| Born in Fire and Kingslayer |
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| Born in Fire and Kingslayer |
Photos XVIII: White
This is my white post. I find the colour white to be much more of a sad colour than black, so I use it more as a colour of sadness than maybe others here in the western world. I removed some friends out of my life yesterday because of a lack of respect. Not on their part, but on mine, I just cannot find a way to respect them anymore and thus I cannot fathom how I could stay friends with them. I need to feel at least some trust towards my friends.
Though it was my decision to remove them, to delete them from my life basically, because I am not really going to see them much anymore, I do feel sad about it, because they were my mentors for the past three and a half years of studying English with them. They were the sort of people I could go to if I didn't know what to do and the sort of people I always knew would help, or at least point me to the right direction. Which is why this all is so much worse. They refused to help someone I know needs support, simply because it has nothing to do with our studies, and I find it impossible to find respect towards them anymore. We were equals this year, I felt, because I had already done my BA thesis, and they were still doing theirs, though older than me, but now, I feel like they're little children trying to play better than they really are.
So, I am both sad and angry, but I refuse to let my anger overtake me, because that would be an extremely bad idea in all possible ways. Which is why I just deleted them and will go on with my life. However, I decided to make this photopost regardless, because I think it's only fair that I mourn this situation for at least a second.
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| Alysha Nett |
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| Copyright Voodica |
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| Emma Watson |
Day XIII: Food and Medicine
Food diary
Breakfast: ½ small bun and some cheese 90 kcal
Lunch: 1 herring steak and some mash potatoes 300 kcal
Dinner: 1 small spinach pastry and a cup of barley porridge (love the stuff) 370 kcal
Snacks: 2 pieces of chocolate 60 kcal
2 gingerbreadmen 80 kcal
1 Geisha icecream 300 kcal
Alltogether: 1200 kcal
Medicine diary
Regulars+
5 mg Oxycontin x2
x mg Neurontin x3
5 mg Cipralex x1
500 mg Paracetamol x3
5 mg Zyprexa
3 mg Oxynorm x3
Exercise
Got some visitors today, some family, my second cousin and her family, super lovely people, love them to pieces. We went to the cafeteria together and everything, but my diet went a bit haywire because when I get visitors, I don't count calories, I think it's sort of rude. So I just ate at the same rate as they did.
Exercise was minimal, but still:
20 squats plus holding one squat extra for 10 seconds
10 lunges per leg
20 pushups
30 crunches
Plus the small walk to the cafeteria and back.
I'm also sorry for the lack of posts, Blogger wouldn't accept any photos or video yesterday.
Breakfast: ½ small bun and some cheese 90 kcal
Lunch: 1 herring steak and some mash potatoes 300 kcal
Dinner: 1 small spinach pastry and a cup of barley porridge (love the stuff) 370 kcal
Snacks: 2 pieces of chocolate 60 kcal
2 gingerbreadmen 80 kcal
1 Geisha icecream 300 kcal
Alltogether: 1200 kcal
Medicine diary
Regulars+
5 mg Oxycontin x2
x mg Neurontin x3
5 mg Cipralex x1
500 mg Paracetamol x3
5 mg Zyprexa
3 mg Oxynorm x3
Exercise
Got some visitors today, some family, my second cousin and her family, super lovely people, love them to pieces. We went to the cafeteria together and everything, but my diet went a bit haywire because when I get visitors, I don't count calories, I think it's sort of rude. So I just ate at the same rate as they did.
Exercise was minimal, but still:
20 squats plus holding one squat extra for 10 seconds
10 lunges per leg
20 pushups
30 crunches
Plus the small walk to the cafeteria and back.
I'm also sorry for the lack of posts, Blogger wouldn't accept any photos or video yesterday.
Day XVI: Ballet and Tchaikovsky
I have in the last few days been listening a lot to classical music, and especially my favourite: Tchaikovsky. I love his small changes in tone, his songbirdlike quick notes, and just the sheer elegance of his works. My favourite is the Dance of the Little Swans from Swan Lake, but when it comes to a full work, I prefer the Nutcracker. I know my father, though Tchaikovsky is far from his favourite composer, prefers the Sleeping Beauty.
Act 1 of the Nutcracker Ballet
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| Copyright Natasha Razina |
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