Hospital Photoshoot with JBM: Lonely

Bad day's thoughts

I don't know how  I manage to do this, but the simplest thing just ruins a  day and I fail to see a future for myself any longer and I feel like just passing away into oblivion. I wish I didn't have people who cared about me so I would be able to get rid of this feeling and get rid of this life. But then I realise that's a horrible thought to have and just go on like nothing happened.
But a bad day. On a bad day I can't be happy, I can't even really be sad. I just am.

Also I can't sleep anymore at all so I got some more pills to try and help with that. Yay great. More pills, just what the doctor prescribed. Literally.

Hyvä päivä, hyvä päivä, älä tule paha päivä, tule hyvä päivä, ei. Ei se niin toimi. Saan huonon päivän mitä tyhmimmistä ja pienistä syistä ja yhtäkkiä kesken päivän se muuttuu hyvästä huonoksi ja minä menetän haluni elää. En edes tiedä mikä siinä on enää, pelkään vain kuollakseni tulevaa enkä näe siinä mitään hyvää. 

The Morning of Philosophers

It's been another month gone by
they go so fast but so slow
sleep and eat and drink and sleep and
neverending circles keeping
awake for a month
Another month.

I don't know if it's the pills I keep taking or what, I suppose it's the pills, but I can't sleep anymore. I fall asleep and then wake up almost immediately and it's making me so frustrated I don't know what to do. I already spent a weekend in the psych ward getting my head together, I don't need another visit. I need to see my shrink and get more pills.
More and more medicine to swallow every night, as if it's not already a handful, a fistful.

Sometimes I don't even know if it's day or night, because at night I can't sleep properly, I fall asleep during the day and wake up thinking it's a new day. Each day just flows into the next and the previous, and I don't know where we're going. Where am I going?
Where's my life heading?

I hope the answer is simple and I get into business studies, but I fear it's more complicated than anyone could think and I manage to mess things up as usual. Such a fucking failure. I wish there was a pill to make me into a good and hardworking daughter. A good and intersting young woman. Someone to look up to rather than down on.

All alone and I still manage to have baby fever. It seems like all my friends are paring up and getting children and getting married, and I'm left out to be a maniac all by myself. But it feels like I'm abandoning them and not the other way around. I'm the one that quit. I'm the one at home and away from my friends. I'm the psycho, not them. They're awesome as ever and I'm a headcase.

Love me love me not

This time it's going to be really personal. For most of my life I've been single, big surprise since I'm under 30, and it's never really bothered me that much (except in my teen years, again big surprise). I've grown accustomed to being on my own, I like my own privacy and the freedom that comes from not being tied to anyone. I like the fact that I can choose home and my dad over someone I hardly know, and I don't have to explain why I'd rather be with my family than some guy who likes me.

However, my relationships have all been turbulent and very short, not only because of my up and down temper, but because  I tend to attract men of the same sort. I've gotten sick and tired of this. I'd like to meet a guy who likes me for who I am and isn't as insane as I am. Someone calm who'll calm me down as well.

In short - I'd like to meet someone nice, because I'm sick and tired of being alone all the time, and I'd love to finally have a decent relationship with a decent person and feel good about myself. Feel good about them. Want my dad to meet them. Want to choose them over my dad. Want to choose love over my family. I'd like to finally really honestly fall in love and not have to repress those feelings away because of a broken relationship and a broken heart. I've been in love, but I've never been allowed to stay in love.

Actually, a correction to the about text. I wouldn't mind finding a lovely calm lady to steal my heart as well. I go both ways and love is love.

Olen ollut yksin kauan, suhteeni ovat olleet lyhyitä ja todella temperamenttisia, ja toivon kaikin sydämin, että löytäisin jonkun rauhallisen miehen, joka pitäisi minutkin rauhassa. Haluan saada olla rakastunut, kun tiedän, että joku rakastaa minua takaisin, eikä pakota pitämään tunteitani poissa, kun niille ei ole vastakaikua. Korjaus: en välitä onko rakkauteni mies vai nainen, molemmat tuovat rakkautta yhtä lailla.

I didn't mean to be such a burden

 

All photos from Tumblr.

Books books and more beautiful books

Lately I've noticed I have no appetit

Lately I've noticed
that each time I think
of food it comes to mind
that I am not hungry


But I am
I am hungry
feel it now
my stomach
noises and aches


But I refuse
to eat
for I notice no need
for food

I know I am wrong
need to eat
but I don't feel like it
I don't want to eat
but I do get  hungry
I just have no appetite


It's been lost
in the jungle of pills
I'm taking for this awful feeling
inside of me
that's trying to take over
and control me


The pills refuse
to let me eat
they make me sleep
and not eat
though hungry and in need


FSB



Deuteronomy 28:26 

Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away.

after all this time i still don't know how to end it